Now, don’t get me wrong.   I’m pretty nerdy.   I was in band in high school (First Chair Trumpet players holla) and played Dungeons and Dragons pretty regularly for a couple of years.  I’m pasty, white, and just overweight enough to qualify for the Dork Olympics, but it’s the lack of tar Wars trivia knowledge that keeps me out of the trials.  Recently I decided that it was time to finally lose my Star Wars virginity, and as any planned virginity loss calls for, I bought champagne.

I'll be the first to admit that I got a little carried away.

Also, let me be clear that this isn’t the first time I attempted to watch Star Wars.  Nor am I completely ignorant about what happens in it.  Let’s start with what I know.

A) Luke Skywalker is living with his aunt and uncle on some planet.

B) Darth Vader’s real name is Anakin Skywalker, and is Luke’s father.

C) Leia is Luke’s twin sister.

D) Frank Oz is a Jedi warrior, and is played by a backward-talking Muppet.

E) Someone gets his hand cut off.

F) I alone can change and tame Han Solo, and I have a 6-part fanfic to back me up.

"Oh Han!" I cried. "Make my Kessel run!"

So with the thirty-year-old spoilers out of the way, let’s begin a journey I’ve been putting off for 15 years.

- Feb 4, 8:00 PM

I open the champagne and settle in from of the laptop with a heavy heart.   I was really looking forward to going to my grave leaving my Star Wars cherry intact.   I don’t bother to read the scroll-up, as I’ve seen Space Balls countless times and am pretty sure I’ve got the gist of the story.

- 8:15 PM

Yet again, I’m struck with how utterly boring this movie is.  Years ago, when episode Whatever was released I borrowed the trilogy from my dungeon master so I could be a little more knowledgeable about the story.  I’m pretty sure I turned it off right away and just played Spyro the Dragon for a few hours instead.

Now that I think about it, Spyro would have made an excellent addition to the Star Wars cast. Lucas, phone me.

- 8:25 PM

As Luke pulls up to the charred corpse of his aunt and uncle, one thing is clear- this is going to require a lot more booze.   I send my husband to the store for a six pack of beer and a small bottle of vodka.

- Feb 5, 9:00 AM

What the hell happened?  Oh God, my head.

"Mrrraa- AAAGH! Okay, don't panic. I'm sure there's an excellent reason that I'm an anime character now."

- Feb 6, 8:00 PM

Okay, look. You need to finish this.   I know it doesn’t interest you in the slightest, and the characters are at this point tired and two dimensional, but this needs to be done.  So, who’s going to watch Star Wars? Who’s going to finish this shit and get it over with, huh?  You, Erica.  That’s who.  That’s right.  Erica will finish Star Wars.

- 8:20 PM

There’s a great disturbance in the Force and I’m dying inside.

- 8:30 PM

I decide to look up the details of the “Stormtrooper effect”, or the Principles of Evil Marksmanship, where the bad guy is a shitty shot and the hero has perfect aim, despite having little training and is most likely a lot more nervous.  I’ve noticed this in quite a few action movies and whatnot, and according to Wikipedia, it was Roger Ebert who coined the term and still uses it in his reviews.   Just thought that little tidbit was more interesting than what I’m watching right now.

- 9:00 PM

Oh wow! A space battle!  Is Luke going to fail his newly found ideals and skills?!   Is Han Solo going to keep to the meaning of his very symbolic name and abandon the rebel cause?!  Are the scrappy group of do-gooders going to fail after everything we’ve been through?!   Oh, sweet baby Jesus I can’t take the suspense!

- 9:15 PM

Thank God that’s over.  So, the rebel cause is safe for another day.  But what does tomorrow bring?

Another fucking Star Wars movie, of course.  See you next time, kids.