This past Christmas, my son received a Star Wars branded fishing pole from a relative. It was literally a small child-sized fishing pole with Darth Vader on the reel and R2D2 on a disk at the end of the line. It made no sense whatsoever. Even I, one who had never seen the trilogy before had a hunch that there was little to no fishing involved. Unless I was about to stumble upon a touching reconciliation-themed fishing trip between evil dark overlord and son, I’m pretty sure someone would have mentioned a desire to toss a line over the hull of the Millennium Falcon on their bucket list. But, as baffling as that toy is, I really dig it. The kids rarely pay attention to it, preferring instead the far more logical Spongebob fishing pole. That leaves me to absent-mindedly flick it across the room while sitting at the computer. I think it’s because the pole and I are a kindred spirit of sorts.

If you take the entire genre of science fiction out of the Nerd Equation, my geek pedigree is as pure and true as toothless and sickly British royalty. I was in the marching band (brass playas, holla), I was an organizer of the high school Renaissance Fair, I played weekly D&D games, and I followed Kevin Smith movie with a zeal that would rival the most pasty of virgins. Science fiction was just something I never got into. So ignorant I was of even the most basic of references, I sometimes felt like a branding mistake. No matter how thick my black-rimmed glasses were, my knowledge was as relevant as a Star Wars fishing pole.

This might soon change. I actually really dug The Empire Strikes Back. So much so that I had to stop myself from reaching for the next installment less this article be soiled by too much knowledge. But lets get the surprises out of the way first:

* I was expecting more action.

* I was expecting Billy Dee Williams to be an active rebel who turns out to be an Imperial spy.

* I was expecting Han’s “I know” to be a completely different tone.

* I was expecting Luke’s hand to stay off.

The Empire Strikes Back was about a thousand times better than A New Hope. Both the actors and the characters were more mature and more interesting to watch. Instead of a whiny teenager, Luke’s now a petulant young man and a cross between impatience and hubris. Which sounds unpleasant, but is actually refreshing in its realism. Darth Vader’s vulnerability is more apparent, but I’m not sure if they hinted at this in the first one since I was slightly drunk. And although Han and Leah’s Sam and Diane shtick was overplayed, annoying, and retardedly dialogued, it mercifully stopped when Billy Dee’s smoooooothness came into the picture. Smooth.

Plus, there was the added bonus of finally getting pathetically specific references!

"HNNNNNNNNNN"

"NRRRRRRRRRRRRR"

-words from a cartoon-

-words from Star Wars-

I know there’s more, but I’m working backwards here.

Oh, man and there’s so much more in store for me! Finally caring about Randall’s Death Star rant on Clerks! Finally getting about one quarter of the Craption submissions at Cracked! Not being made fun of by Derek over at the comic book store! (I hate him so much.) But I don’t see this turning into a faggathon in the way of dressing up at conventions and whatnot. I just think it was a very cool movie that I’ll probably watch again one day.

Now, on to Return of the Jedi!

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AND NOW, THE SITE NEWS WITH MALCOLM

Finally, look for me to be posting some of the wacky shit I’ll be making as part of my school assignments. Technically everything I create while attending VFS is property of the school, but apparently they will very politely not sue me so long as I don’t sell it. So don’t nobody go giving me huge sums of money for the things I make, because that would be awful.

Now, don’t get me wrong.   I’m pretty nerdy.   I was in band in high school (First Chair Trumpet players holla) and played Dungeons and Dragons pretty regularly for a couple of years.  I’m pasty, white, and just overweight enough to qualify for the Dork Olympics, but it’s the lack of tar Wars trivia knowledge that keeps me out of the trials.  Recently I decided that it was time to finally lose my Star Wars virginity, and as any planned virginity loss calls for, I bought champagne.

I'll be the first to admit that I got a little carried away.

Also, let me be clear that this isn’t the first time I attempted to watch Star Wars.  Nor am I completely ignorant about what happens in it.  Let’s start with what I know.

A) Luke Skywalker is living with his aunt and uncle on some planet.

B) Darth Vader’s real name is Anakin Skywalker, and is Luke’s father.

C) Leia is Luke’s twin sister.

D) Frank Oz is a Jedi warrior, and is played by a backward-talking Muppet.

E) Someone gets his hand cut off.

F) I alone can change and tame Han Solo, and I have a 6-part fanfic to back me up.

"Oh Han!" I cried. "Make my Kessel run!"

So with the thirty-year-old spoilers out of the way, let’s begin a journey I’ve been putting off for 15 years.

- Feb 4, 8:00 PM

I open the champagne and settle in from of the laptop with a heavy heart.   I was really looking forward to going to my grave leaving my Star Wars cherry intact.   I don’t bother to read the scroll-up, as I’ve seen Space Balls countless times and am pretty sure I’ve got the gist of the story.

- 8:15 PM

Yet again, I’m struck with how utterly boring this movie is.  Years ago, when episode Whatever was released I borrowed the trilogy from my dungeon master so I could be a little more knowledgeable about the story.  I’m pretty sure I turned it off right away and just played Spyro the Dragon for a few hours instead.

Now that I think about it, Spyro would have made an excellent addition to the Star Wars cast. Lucas, phone me.

- 8:25 PM

As Luke pulls up to the charred corpse of his aunt and uncle, one thing is clear- this is going to require a lot more booze.   I send my husband to the store for a six pack of beer and a small bottle of vodka.

- Feb 5, 9:00 AM

What the hell happened?  Oh God, my head.

"Mrrraa- AAAGH! Okay, don't panic. I'm sure there's an excellent reason that I'm an anime character now."

- Feb 6, 8:00 PM

Okay, look. You need to finish this.   I know it doesn’t interest you in the slightest, and the characters are at this point tired and two dimensional, but this needs to be done.  So, who’s going to watch Star Wars? Who’s going to finish this shit and get it over with, huh?  You, Erica.  That’s who.  That’s right.  Erica will finish Star Wars.

- 8:20 PM

There’s a great disturbance in the Force and I’m dying inside.

- 8:30 PM

I decide to look up the details of the “Stormtrooper effect”, or the Principles of Evil Marksmanship, where the bad guy is a shitty shot and the hero has perfect aim, despite having little training and is most likely a lot more nervous.  I’ve noticed this in quite a few action movies and whatnot, and according to Wikipedia, it was Roger Ebert who coined the term and still uses it in his reviews.   Just thought that little tidbit was more interesting than what I’m watching right now.

- 9:00 PM

Oh wow! A space battle!  Is Luke going to fail his newly found ideals and skills?!   Is Han Solo going to keep to the meaning of his very symbolic name and abandon the rebel cause?!  Are the scrappy group of do-gooders going to fail after everything we’ve been through?!   Oh, sweet baby Jesus I can’t take the suspense!

- 9:15 PM

Thank God that’s over.  So, the rebel cause is safe for another day.  But what does tomorrow bring?

Another fucking Star Wars movie, of course.  See you next time, kids.