By Jay Thomas
It’s been said that Barack Obama has set a new standard for African-American achievement. Alliteration aside, Obama ran a campaign that promised change. And change he brought. Sure, the whole culmination of the ideals brought forth in the Civil Rights movement seems important, but can we look past race for a moment to perhaps an even more significant stride in equal rights? I’m talking, of course, about making fun of the mentally handicapped.
Apr 3
Dear Anonymous Person Who Continually Breaks My Heart,
Hi, my name is Jeff and I’d like to talk to you about something. No, not diabetes, that’s Brimley’s domain. I’ve been writing for The Last Gaffe for a few months now, contributing articles here and there in addition to my occasional articles over at Cracked. I read the fine work of my fellow Gaffers (except for Malcolm, of course) and, when their articles are submitted, I Digg them (again, apart from Malcolm). I mean, I Digg the shit out of them.
I think it’s important to give and receive feedback on articles. Good or bad, at least then you know that you’ve really touched the two or three people who have stumbled across the words you’ve put to paper (figuratively of course, since paper is zooming toward obsolete status with each passing day, sort of like video tapes and Canadians). That’s how a writer grows, by reading the praise heaped upon him or herself and completely ignoring any criticisms or insults.
Should I? Nah, too easy.
Good day, kind Internet-dweller! If you are reading this, you have taken the first step towards success, women, and job security in this hectic world of ours! Read on for several more steps!
But wait! I hear you saying: “How am I going to attain success, women, and job security when I have been effectively crippled by years of sedentary existence? I have spent so many hours re-posting memes on 4Chan that my muscles have atrophied to the point where I can no longer convey myself around my grandmother’s basement under my own power! It has been some days since she last came down to check on me or bring me food, and I fear that she has either moved without telling me or passed away. I sit here in front of my monitor, unable to act, unable to stand, unable to remove myself from the ever-growing pile of my own waste, idly wondering whether I shall die first from starvation or suffocation. How will your handy Primer help me?”
Well, to you I reply: “My Primer is only for the living, or more specifically, those living still able to stand upright under their immense girth. Please search for a handier Primer than this one.”
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