The fact remains that we still live in uncertain times, and more and more of us are being forced to sell ourselves on the street in order to simply pay our bills. In these trying times, we look to our leaders to guide us through to better days. At the end of the day, at least we can all take solace in the fact that we won’t have to rely on these fictional presidents, none of whom would ever get re-elected…

Billy Bob Thornton as The U.S. President (Love Actually)

"Suck my dick, England."

How He Fucked Up

For years, the US and England were like bickering siblings, and like many brothers who grew up hating each other and beating each other up, they gradually grew to be great friends. And then, a U.S. president like the one portrayed by Billy Bob comes along and fucks everything up because he decides he wants his older brother’s new woman. And then you know shit is on!

Why He’d Never Get Re-Elected

From his disconcerting “low talking”, to the creepy way he leers at women and the overall lack of tact, it’s a wonder he was ever elected in the first place. We’re a bit baffled that someone could have actually won on a platform of “Show me them titties!”

In a single trip to London he managed to:

- Bully the British government to the point where they were forced to actually grow a pair,

- Acted like such a dick that he very well may have single-handedly shattered one of the countries’ oldest alliances, and

- Raised serious doubt as to whether the two nations could possibly remain BFF.

To make matters worse, within seconds of Prime Minister Hugh Grant leaving the room he began forcing himself on a defenseless Monica Lewinski-lookalike, showing even less restraint than Bill Clinton at Hooters.

"What's this supposed to be, some sort of heartwarming seasonal comedy about life and love? Fuck that, get those titties out!"

What He Should Have Done Instead

With the world climate seeing a whole shitload of people turning on the United States and deeming it a nation full of assholes, he may have been better served to acquiesce to a few of the Prime Minister’s requests, which we assume consisted of getting Harry Potter a star on the Walk of Fame, maybe a deal on toothpaste and almost certainly “don’t touch my woman.”

After all, it doesn’t make a ton of sense to tell your oldest and best friend that you don’t really give a shit what he thinks and then try to steal his woman, which is precisely what President Billy Bob did. It might also help if he didn’t look like Billy Bob Thornton.

"Ha ha, yeah, that's great. Seriously though, fish out them titties."

At the very least, he could have attempted to keep his dick at bay when he encountered the Prime Minister’s love interest for the sake of the U.S./U.K. alliance. Hadn’t anyone ever taught him the time-honored foreign policy of “bros before hoes?”

Tommy ‘Tiny’ Lister as United Federation President Lindberg (The 5th Element)

Lister showing off his acting range by demonstrating the hard-to-pull-off facial expression denoting "I am about to poop myself."

How He Fucked Up

When a noted expert who you yourself called in to advise you in a troubling situation tells you maybe, just maybe, it’s not such a good idea to provoke the massive, ancient blob of universe-devouring evil, you might want to listen. Just sayin’.

Why He’d Never Get Re-Elected

To his credit, Lister does a great job of portraying the way a cross-eyed former wrestler elected to public office might handle a difficult situation. When confronted with the strange phenomenon of a big ol’ confusing thing that seems to be made of spreading darkness, President Lindberg calls in High Priest Vito Cornelius (Ian Holm) for a consult, hobbits being respected authorities on big balls of inky nothingness.

Cornelius tells Lindberg that the blackness is seriously bad juju and that the very last thing Lindberg should do is fuck with it. Lindberg thanks Cornelius for his frankness, and with his next breath gives the order to fuck with the blackness like it was going out of style.

Okay, so we totally get the concept of fearing what we don’t understand. We get it, we really do. Strange things are scary, and we just want them go to away. Kind of like Alexis Arquette. However, at some point you have to stop and consider whether or not lashing out due to fear is a wise course of action, especially when what you’re afraid of is the physical incarnation of the concept of evil (whoa, that’s deep.) We’re thinking that in that case, maybe it’s not such a good idea to shoot first and ask questions later.

After screwing the pooch by ignoring the priest (who we’d like to remind you was present both as an advisor and as a freakin’ expert on the phenomenon,) and launching an ill-fated attack on evil, the president does the only thing he can think of: he enlists a cab driver to save the universe. Because nothing makes us feel safer than knowing our lives are in the hands of someone like Judd Hirsch.

Okay, so it could have been worse.

What He Should Have Done Instead

What the hell is the point of having advisors if you’re just going to ignore them and do what you want anyway? What’s the point of having experts around to tell you what you should and shouldn’t do, and how royally screwed you’d be if you don’t listen to their counsel, if you’re not planning on doing the actual listening?

While we fully understand how a president might feel safe putting his life in the hands of Bruce Willis, we find it shocking to believe that there was no one, let alone an entire tactical team with big futuristic weapons, who could be trusted to protect Milla Jovovich and her ridiculously annoying alien language.

Oh yeah, this has gotta work.

And another thing: if your only hope of saving the universe is a scantily clad and underfed alien, you may want to concoct a better plan than putting her on what amounts to a glorified Carnival Cruise with your heroic cabbie. What is this, Scooby-Doo?

Morgan Freeman as President Tom Beck (Deep Impact)

"Thanks for the election... SUCKERS!"

How He Fucked Up

In a moment of crisis, we turn to our leaders to guide us. To offer us encouragement and wisdom. To tell us everything is going to be okay. And the one thing we hope they’ll never, ever say to us is, “Shit, I guess you’re all fucked! Now excuse me while I take only the elite and hide in a cave somewhere.”

Why He’d Never Get Re-Elected

When Frodo Baggins discovered a massive meteor hurtling toward Earth and threatening to kill us all, President Tom Beck did what any leader would do: he kept it a secret for as long as he could, built a secret underground cave system to house the best and the brightest and told the majority of the population that to go fuck themselves.

In a literal display of burying his head in the sand (or in this case underneath a mountain) and hoping for the best, Beck proposed an idea of hiding away some of the best athletes, minds, and professionals in various fields in his elaborate cave system and letting the rest of the world perish. So while Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, and Rue McClanahan were probably okay, the rest of us were pretty well screwed. That anyone might survive what turned out to be a grossly overestimated doomsday was apparently beyond his comprehension

"Gentleman, I propose a bold strategy."

When the meteor crashed and killed far less people than he had anticipated, it’s a safe bet that Beck had a tough time trying to get the masses he’d abandoned to gruesome deaths to forget that he deemed them completely unworthy of continuing to live.

What He Should Have Done Instead

Hindsight is 20/20, but the fact remains that Beck didn’t even really suggest any survival strategies or even seem to be thinking about anything other than saving his own and, presumably, the asses of his many financial backers.

If nothing else, with the knowledge that the meteor was going to hit off of the east coast and the majority of the damage would be done to the eastern seaboard, he could have reminded the people that Manifest Destiny needn’t be a passing fad, like acid wash jeans or Tila Tequila. Instead, he could have recommended that maybe it’d be a good idea to flee to the west. Hell, it’s not like anyone is using Montana or Wyoming anyway.

Wyoming State Motto: "We're so lonely."

Seeing the aftermath of the meteor crashing into the earth, we now know that if only he’d suggested that long awaited trip to check out Mount Rushmore (on which he’ll probably never see his face added) a whole pantsload of American voters could have been saved. And if he’d suggested it in that soothing Morgan Freeman voice of his, we’re betting he could have salvaged a few votes in the process.

Bill Pullman as President Thomas Whitmore (Independence Day)

"Come on guys, we've got to save the princess from the SpaceBalls - I mean, America from the aliens!"

How He Fucked Up

Along with hoping that our leaders will tell us that everything is okay in the face of a crisis, we also hope that they’ll be reasonable and use logic and, maybe, oh, “foresight.” We hope that whatever their decision, they don’t rush into it, and they’ve fully thought through all of the potential consequences. Especially when they’re thinking about whether or not they want to detonate a nuke on American soil.

Why He’d Never Get Re-Elected

Aliens sure can be a nuisance, and if Independence Day taught us anything, they have a knack for trying to ruin beloved American holidays. When they’re not preventing us from getting drunk at a barbeque, they’re trying to take over our planet and destroy us all. On the bright side, at least there weren’t any anal probes.

With the majority of the world’s major cities completely destroyed within 36 hours, President Thomas Whitmore did the only thing he can think of: he nuked the shit out of Houston, presumably because he figured the quicker our cities were annihilated, the sooner the aliens would leave.

While the aliens were eventually defeated thanks to the quick thinking of DJ Jazzy Jeff Goldblum and the fists of fury of the Fresh Prince, we find it hard to believe the American public would forgive Whitmore for launching a nuclear attack on one of his own cities. And even if the voters were able to look past the initial destruction caused by Whitmore, we have a tough time believing they would have been able to ignore the years of fallout and the ensuing slew of mutants soon to be roaming around Houston. You know, like Yao Ming.

Our Hero!

What He Should Have Done Instead

For one thing, he could have waited more than a day to choose the most extreme solution possible. While the aliens posed one hell of a threat to our continued existence, Whitmore chose to act brashly and basically do their job for them, thus expediting their goal of conquering Earth. In an effort to cover his ass with a heroic act, Whitmore chose to hop in a fighter jet and fight the aliens himself, wasting his missiles and ultimately using a drunk crop duster pilot to take down one of the alien ships.

It’s also hard to ignore that within hours of his rash decision making that resulted in the destruction of a major American city a brilliant plan was hatched that would ultimately defeat the space invaders. Granted, it was a plan that hinged on whether the aliens had updated their Norton Anti-Virus software, but that doesn’t change the fact that waiting more than a couple hours before blowing the shit out of Houston might have been a smart move.

Malcolm Says: "Norton Anti-Virus actually gave a computer I had a few years ago some hideous form of computer super-AIDS. The aliens might have been smarter than you think."

In the end, the biggest change Whitmore should have made was to simply sit down and chill for a second rather than rushing to conclusions and making spur of the moment decisions. Realistically, Whitmore should have realized that moving from city to city with only a handful of ships was probably going to take awhile, so making the quickest possible decision no matter how irresponsible or dangerous, might not have been the smartest idea. We can only assume that Whitmore just wanted to make sure to get this whole thing over as quickly as possible, so as not to ruin Labor Day too.

Michael Scofield is the brains of the operation on Prison Break, which may not be saying much considering he’s been in prison, escaped, caught, thrown back in prison, escaped, caught, and put under house arrest and forced to work for the government under threat of, you guessed it, being tossed back in prison. He’s a smart guy, sure, if by smart you mean totally retarded but really smarmy about it. And he really sucks at this whole “freedom” thing.

"Jailed again, excellent! The escape continues according to plan."

I would totally own him in a fight. Scofield carries himself with a sense of smugness and superiority that would have to be a hindrance in a brawl, and I’d like to see how smarmy he is with my foot up his ass. He’d be plotting wildly for how to use physics or whatever scientific garbage to his advantage, but MacGyver he is not, and he’d waste those precious few seconds before his face was met and pummeled by my Irish fists of fury calculating how to spring a perfectly concocted scheme that requires everything to break just so.

This time, Scofield, the only thing that’s going to break is your face. Booyah.

4. Peter Bishop (Fringe)

As the brilliant and mysterious Peter Bishop on Fringe, the artist formerly known as Pacey gets to walk around solving mysteries Scooby-Doo style while brooding half the time and showcasing his butter knife sharp wit the rest. In a battle of smugness, he’d likely topple even our old friend Michael Scofield. Plus, he’s got the added bonus of having more range than just playing the guy who squints and scowls and talks at just above a whisper. Sorry, Scofield.

Okay, I'm not really sorry. Look at him!

But let’s move on from our old Prison Break pal and focus on Peter Bishop, the son of an eccentric jailbird scientist who helps the government track down the culprits behind some really fucked up shit. Kind of like Mulder, only with less street cred.

I’d own him. There’s not even a question, is there? I mean, come on. This is Joshua Jackson we’re talking about. The little Mighty Duck would suffer the mighty wrath of my mighty overhand right to the forehead, followed by my own version of the flying V, which is really just code for a flying jump kick that deserves a fancy and ironic name, that would send him splashing down in Dawson’s Creek. And then I’d lay waste to James Van Der Forehead, just for good measure.

3. Jack Shephard (Lost)

We move now from smug and brilliant to selfless and brilliant, with a hearty helping of self-destructive mixed in. Jack, the de facto leader on Lost before he miraculously escaped and grew a bitchin’ beard and became a full blown alcoholic, is a good if tortured man who likes to make speeches and not put any moves on his excessively hot fellow castaway Kate, who anyone can tell totally wants it.

He’s a reluctant savior, rushing headlong into situations without always thinking them through and making rash decisions, which seems odd given that he’s a spinal surgeon who, one would think, is prone to things like “logic” and “grace under pressure.” But oh no, not Jack.

"I sprinted into the ocean for reasons I can no longer remember. Now I am wet and cold."

And that’s the primary reason I’d open a can on his scruffy-looking nerfherder ass. It seems like it’d be easy to trick ol’ Jack into a nice solid clothesline. I could just wait behind a door, yell out that Kate is in trouble, and right on cue Jack would come rushing in without trying to actually come up with one of those pesky “plans” that people are so high on. When he comes charging through, I’d just stick out an arm or a leg and watch the good doctor go sailing, and proceed to work him over to the point where, ironically, he’d need a doctor himself. He’d probably get stuck with someone like Hurley trying to take care of him. Hilarity would ensue.

I know better than to try fucking with Hurley, though. He's more nimble than he looks.

2. Peter Petrelli (Heroes)

When he’s got his powers, sure, Peter Petrelli is one bad dude. Not unlike the old school arcade game, similarly titled Bad Dudes. Did you ever play it? Totally boss. But with or without his powers, there’s one thing Peter Petrelli can’t overcome: he’s a total bitch. And a retard. And he’s too busy moping around and being emo to really be an effective hero. He’s basically a rebitchemotard*. It’s like his kryptonite, really.

"I find your lack of faith... disturbing."

Whether it’s getting owned by Sylar or Adam Monroe or having his powers sucked away by his father; getting manipulated by his mom or, well, basically falling for any scheme anyone ever throws at him, Peter Petrelli basically sucks at life.

For a guy with seemingly unlimited power, he really doesn’t know how to use them, or when. And when I locked horns with the little momma’s boy, I’d just say something that got him to unleash his power of being super emo. And it’d be way easy, too, because pretty much anything can drive an emo person to super emo status. Seriously, insult them and it feeds right into their mopey gayness. Compliment them – and rest assured they hate being complimented – and it will double the normal rate of descent into angst territory because 1) a compliment makes people happy, and emos hate being happy, therefore the compliment would make them super sad about being happy, and 2) the fact that they hate being happy in and of itself works, because hate leads to anger, anger leads to suffering, and you best believe that Yoda ain’t clownin’.

"Terrible, your poetry is."

And then I’d proceed to take him down while he was busy weeping and crying and spouting various forms of “woe is me.” On the bright side, getting his ass whupped would probably only fuel his emo-ness, giving him one more thing to brood about. Other than looking and acting like a little girl, that is.

*Don’t worry, I’ve already contacted the people at Webster’s about getting this added to the dictionary. I was supposed to e-mail Emmanuel Lewis for that, right?

1. Jack Bauer (24)

No, just kidding. Jack, I said I was just kidding! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it! Jack! Jack! No, please, Jack! JAAA–!

"Ok! Ok! Lost Boys was the greatest movie ever!"

Aloha! That’s Hawaiian for hello, but also goodbye. Currently, consider it the former. Anyhoo, I was recently online searching for nude photos of Hayden Panettierre making a substantial donation to the ASPCA, when I stumbled across this article in which you refer to the fans of your once hit television show Heroes as “saps” and “dipshits.” You caught some flack for this and Mr. Kring, I will not lie, initially I found myself a bit hurt. I thought we had something special. For a long while, probably a full three or four seconds, I thought that our beautiful bond had been broken.

It's okay, she's legal now.

But then I started to look at some of the things you have been doing on your show, and I began to understand. You decided to introduce new, uninteresting characters and convoluted storylines. You pushed your popular characters to the background, drastically cutting their screen time. But you didn’t do this for the sake of the show. I mean, considering the tremendous decline, how could anyone argue that was the case? No, you did this for a much grander reason. You did this for the sake of your actors.

Sadly, most viewers were unable to comprehend or accept this bold, yet brilliant move. But not me. Not after I’d had time to stop and consider what you were doing, and your clear motivation behind these actions. I understand why you have chosen to have your characters act in ways completely contrary to their natures as established early in the series.

These actors have their careers to think of, and lord knows Masi Oka is going to have an awfully tough time focusing on his blossoming straight-to-DVD movie career when he’s got a successful TV show bogging him down. It’s tough for an actor to balance work both in film and television. Just ask Steve Carrell. And that’s precisely why you pushed his character Hiro, who many think is the strongest character on the show, into the background and used sparingly as comic relief. You wanted to give him time to put his amazing talents on display for the entire bargain bin movie watching world.

Masi AWESOME is more like it.

The rest of your actors are still trying to catch up to Masi and his tremendous success. You’re just doing your best to help them. You know what your actors have, and what will land them those cherished roles in Sci-Fi Channel original movies. It’s their tremendous versatility, like Milo Ventimiglia’s ability to play emo in one scene, and really emo in the next. That’s why – and I firmly believe this – you write your characters first as good, then as evil; you have them make intelligent choices, and then act like buffoons…all before the first commercial break. You want to put these talented individuals on display. You just want to let them show their range. You write ham fisted dialogue because you don’t want your writing to shine; you want your actors to shine. You know they can take your shitty writing and craft a beautiful fecal bouquet.

And I applaud you for that. Other writers would just be content to write an intelligent show about interesting characters who act in rational ways, but you’re more concerned about your cast. And that’s why you’ve brought Ali Larter back from the dead. Twice.*

Takes a dipshit to know a dipshit.

But it’s not just about the cast, is it Mr. Kring? You care about us. You care about the dipshits and the saps. And you fully understand the American viewing public. Sadly, your dipshits don’t yet understand you. We don’t all understand the complexities that make you who you are. The king of the dipshits. Long live the king.

Ultimately, you could have knuckled under, maintained the same insanely high quality that plagued the first season, but you didn’t. You chose not to give in. You weren’t content with making an enjoyable and wholly satisfying show, with richly developed characters and edge of your seat stories, because you’ve looked around the other networks, and you’ve seen what people want. You’ve seen According to Jim. You’ve watched Two and a Half Men. You’ve sat through The Bachelor. And you know what the American viewing public desires, and it’s not wall to wall excellence. No, far from it. The people want shit, and you were trying to spoon feed it to them. And they don’t – nay, can’t – appreciate it.

But I can.

You have seen the light. And that light shines directly on steaming pile of dog shit. That’s what you wanted to duplicate.

To: Heroes Viewers Love, Tom Kring. P.S. Fuck you.

Well kudos, sir. You’ve succeeded where few have. And for that I thank you, from one dipshit to another, from the bottom of my dipshit heart. Keep up the bad work, sir, and know that I’m behind you. You’ll sink this bitch yet. And, hopefully, that will lead sweet Hayden directly down the path to Skinemax.

For good measure.

XOXO

Jeff Kelly

*Technically, I know, Ali Larter has only died once on the show. But she’s played three characters, the first of which died off screen before the timeframe of the show began, and none of which have been interesting or have added to the story in any way, shape, or form. But she’s super hot, and I really want to thank you for keeping her magnificent ass on television by resurrecting her in new, increasingly worse roles.

Stupid new character, same great ass.