Aloha! That’s Hawaiian for hello, but also goodbye. Currently, consider it the former. Anyhoo, I was recently online searching for nude photos of Hayden Panettierre making a substantial donation to the ASPCA, when I stumbled across this article in which you refer to the fans of your once hit television show Heroes as “saps” and “dipshits.” You caught some flack for this and Mr. Kring, I will not lie, initially I found myself a bit hurt. I thought we had something special. For a long while, probably a full three or four seconds, I thought that our beautiful bond had been broken.

It's okay, she's legal now.

But then I started to look at some of the things you have been doing on your show, and I began to understand. You decided to introduce new, uninteresting characters and convoluted storylines. You pushed your popular characters to the background, drastically cutting their screen time. But you didn’t do this for the sake of the show. I mean, considering the tremendous decline, how could anyone argue that was the case? No, you did this for a much grander reason. You did this for the sake of your actors.

Sadly, most viewers were unable to comprehend or accept this bold, yet brilliant move. But not me. Not after I’d had time to stop and consider what you were doing, and your clear motivation behind these actions. I understand why you have chosen to have your characters act in ways completely contrary to their natures as established early in the series.

These actors have their careers to think of, and lord knows Masi Oka is going to have an awfully tough time focusing on his blossoming straight-to-DVD movie career when he’s got a successful TV show bogging him down. It’s tough for an actor to balance work both in film and television. Just ask Steve Carrell. And that’s precisely why you pushed his character Hiro, who many think is the strongest character on the show, into the background and used sparingly as comic relief. You wanted to give him time to put his amazing talents on display for the entire bargain bin movie watching world.

Masi AWESOME is more like it.

The rest of your actors are still trying to catch up to Masi and his tremendous success. You’re just doing your best to help them. You know what your actors have, and what will land them those cherished roles in Sci-Fi Channel original movies. It’s their tremendous versatility, like Milo Ventimiglia’s ability to play emo in one scene, and really emo in the next. That’s why – and I firmly believe this – you write your characters first as good, then as evil; you have them make intelligent choices, and then act like buffoons…all before the first commercial break. You want to put these talented individuals on display. You just want to let them show their range. You write ham fisted dialogue because you don’t want your writing to shine; you want your actors to shine. You know they can take your shitty writing and craft a beautiful fecal bouquet.

And I applaud you for that. Other writers would just be content to write an intelligent show about interesting characters who act in rational ways, but you’re more concerned about your cast. And that’s why you’ve brought Ali Larter back from the dead. Twice.*

Takes a dipshit to know a dipshit.

But it’s not just about the cast, is it Mr. Kring? You care about us. You care about the dipshits and the saps. And you fully understand the American viewing public. Sadly, your dipshits don’t yet understand you. We don’t all understand the complexities that make you who you are. The king of the dipshits. Long live the king.

Ultimately, you could have knuckled under, maintained the same insanely high quality that plagued the first season, but you didn’t. You chose not to give in. You weren’t content with making an enjoyable and wholly satisfying show, with richly developed characters and edge of your seat stories, because you’ve looked around the other networks, and you’ve seen what people want. You’ve seen According to Jim. You’ve watched Two and a Half Men. You’ve sat through The Bachelor. And you know what the American viewing public desires, and it’s not wall to wall excellence. No, far from it. The people want shit, and you were trying to spoon feed it to them. And they don’t – nay, can’t – appreciate it.

But I can.

You have seen the light. And that light shines directly on steaming pile of dog shit. That’s what you wanted to duplicate.

To: Heroes Viewers Love, Tom Kring. P.S. Fuck you.

Well kudos, sir. You’ve succeeded where few have. And for that I thank you, from one dipshit to another, from the bottom of my dipshit heart. Keep up the bad work, sir, and know that I’m behind you. You’ll sink this bitch yet. And, hopefully, that will lead sweet Hayden directly down the path to Skinemax.

For good measure.

XOXO

Jeff Kelly

*Technically, I know, Ali Larter has only died once on the show. But she’s played three characters, the first of which died off screen before the timeframe of the show began, and none of which have been interesting or have added to the story in any way, shape, or form. But she’s super hot, and I really want to thank you for keeping her magnificent ass on television by resurrecting her in new, increasingly worse roles.

Stupid new character, same great ass.