It may sound weird to some readers, but I haven’t listened to pop music since N*sync broke up. I shudder to think that there is a correlation there, but I digress.

"Music peaked with N*Sync" - TLG Contributor Jay Thomas

Don’t get me wrong, I still listen to the radio, but only for sports talk, because I’m a man. A man that loves sports and steak and boobies and any combination of those. But I prefer listening to uncensored, uninterrupted music on my mp3 player rather than going through the torture of local DJ’s and what I assume is shitty music. But that is really an unfair assessment. After all, how can I judge what I have not listened too? It is with that cavalier attitude that I resolved to listen to a few popular songs.

Boom, Boom, Pow – The Black-eyed Peas

"Fergie gives me boners" - TLG Mouthbreather Jay Thomas

I know what you’re thinking, but unfortunately this song (if it can be called that) is not an homage to the classic 1966 film, “Batman” starring Adam West and Burt Ward. The reason? A song about that movie would kick ass, while Boom Boom Pow eats ass.

In the tradition of Bobby McFarren’s “Don’t Worry, Be Happy,” most of the so-called music on the track actually comes from the band saying, “boom, boom, boom” like fucking Bam-Bam. The first verse is pretty painless, but then the silky smooth auto-tuned voice is transformed into some kind of ungodly shrieking and yelling from Fergie. There is a musical interlude involving more shouting of, “Boom! Boom!” followed by an inhuman voice saying something along the lines of, “Let the beast rise.” I thought maybe I was hearing things, before I realized that, in fact it was part of the arrangement. This is just terrible.

Lyric Of Note:

“I’m so three-thousand eight, you so two-thousand and late.”

What the fuck does that mean? Hypothesis: Fergie is actually a 3008 year old succubus that thrives on the misery of others.

So, the first song was a bust. Let’s see what this 3OH!3 is all about.

3OH!3 – Don’t Trust Me

"3Oh!3 give me double the boners that Fergie does" - TLG Ladyboy Enthusiast Jay Thomas

There is some good advice here in the form of, “Don’t trust a ho, don’t trust a ho, NEVER trust a ho.” (I could be mistaken but I’m pretty sure they lifted that line from a Bob Dylan song.) The song then takes a fairly dark turn when the femme-voiced guy starts talking about some girl who is drunk and bruised. This horrifying image is then paired with the lyric, “Shush girl, shut your lips, do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips.” Taken at face value, this line informs the listener of Helen Keller’s main mode of communication (talking with her hips,) but I see a scenario of a womanizing, cheating, wife beating, alcoholic taking advantage of underage girls. For shame, 3Oh!3. For shame.

Lyric Of Note:

“Don’t trust a ho.”

This statement alone should be integrated into our education system. Millions would be saved.

3Oh!3 was more enjoyable than the Black Eyed Peas, but less enjoyable than getting a cavity filled so let’s continue onward and hopefully upward.

Lady Gaga – Poker Face

"Though I would not touch Lady Gaga with the dick of a dead man, I am entraced by her dog's come-hither gaze" TLG Pyronecrobestiality Expert Jay Thomas

There is an immense pressure building in my skull. OH SWEET LORD, MY EARS ARE BLEEDING!!!

Lyric Of Note:

I don’t know. The last thing I remember before blacking out was “Show him what I got.”

Pitbull – I Know You Want Me

"This full, luscious ass fills me only with distrust and rage" TLG Cocksucker Jay Thomas

I’m not going to lie; I was kind of hoping that this would sound like “I Want You To Want Me.” However, it proved to be a perfectly serviceable hip-hop/dance single, except for the fact that I could only understand like 8 words in the entire song. I realize that some of it is in Spanish, but a good 2/3 is just random words assembled in what appears to be a message derived from the nonsensical ramblings of someone who just suffered a brain injury. It’s clear from the lyrics that Mr. Bull knows that he is desired by an attractive lady, but everything else is up for debate. Lest you think that my white, suburban ears are casting some kind of prejudice on Pit, here are some lyrics:

Mami got an ass like a donkey
With a monkey
Look like King Kong, welcome to the crib
305, that’s what it is
With a woman down here
The shit don’t play games

What the fuck does that mean? Intrigued, I looked into Pitbull’s other songs to see if this was a one time anomaly. What I found was truly disturbing:

Mami, feel me let me see you touch your toes
or shake that thing and talk wit’ your ass

I may be in the minority here, but even if you are quite a prolific ass-talker (Jim Carrey,) it isn’t the kind of thing that would put me in a taxi straight to bonerville.

Lyric Of Note:

See above.

Even with the confusing lingo, I still liked Pitbull’s song. It was energetic and a little dirty (I think) which is what a club hit is supposed to be.

So what have I learned from my experience with current pop music? Based on the sampling I had, I can safely say that ¾ of all current pop music is absolutely terrible. But the other quarter is inspiring, disturbing, arousing, and disgusting simultaneously.

EDIT: The night I finished the draft for this article, I was wooing this cute girl at the club. Feeling like I should let her know how hip I was, I told her that she had a “talking donkey ass” and was quickly and mercilessly shot down and spat upon. In retrospect, Pitbull is a jackass and all pop music is terrible.

EDIT II: I realize that calling Pitbull a jackass may be misconstrued as a flirtatious gesture in some circles. Allow me to clarify. Fuck Pitbull.

EDIT III: Shit. “Fuck Pitbull.” I didn’t mean this literally. I meant to say that Pitbull is not a nice man and that I care nothing for him or his music.

EDITOR’S AFTERWORD: Those of you paying close attention to the picture captions may have noticed a slight discrepancy between them and the opinions Jay puts forward in the rest of the article. I know nothing about this. However, I do know that if I were the kind of person who insulted Canada every chance I got, I would not be very surprised if my Canadian editor altered one of my articles to make me seem like a deranged mental pervert.

Great article, Jay!