By Malcolm Christiansen and Michael Rader
Malcolm: Sex! It’s fun, everyone wants it, and there are any number of ways to get it. But where can you go if you’re creepy, spastic, ugly, or just generally unfuckable? The Internet, of course! The Internet is choc-full of creeptastic homebodies hungering after a few sweaty minutes with the person of their choice; some of them are women, most of them are men, and they’re all downright terrifying!
Lucky for you, TLG is on the front line, keeping you safe from scary old men who want to fondle your parts by making ass-fun of the terrible personals they post. For every installment, two TLG contributors will make accounts on one of the many dating sites that populate this web of ours, be immediately inundated with moist fuck-mail, and reluctantly pick out several choice profiles to riff on.
In this inaugural installment of TLG’s newest feature, Michael and I will be examining Seeking Arrangement, a charmingly upscale little slice of webspace dedicated to connecting hot, lazy, young people with rich, horny old people in a process that is just this side of prostitution. In other words, it’s where sugar daddies come to find sugar babies, and that means some truly alarming personals. Let’s jump right into it!
“Muy intersante! Verdad?”
Michael: Oh… oh man.
Michael: He’s almost 70.
Malcolm: The description of the type of arrangement he wants is what terrifies me the most.
Malcolm: “Satisfying.”
Malcolm: That could mean any number of gruesome things.
Michael: It could mean pumicing his feet for all these unassuming women know.
Malcolm: Or it could mean feasting thrice nightly on the blood of virgins pure.
Malcolm: He looks almost a little too proud of that boat, you know.
Malcolm: I am willing to bet all the cash in my wallet that it was carved from the bones of orphans.
Michael: “I will expect you to fuck the boat. Fucking the boat is a must.”
Michael: “And I will watch.”
Malcolm: “Fucking not of the boat will have consequences. The boat will ANGER.”
Malcolm: “The boat will fuck YOU.”
Michael: Was the boat made in Soviet Russia?