The Last Gaffe

For When The Last Word Just Isn’t Enough

Posts Tagged dicks

The Tales Of Ironcock McLongshaft

Apr 10

Posted by admin in Fiction, Jonathan

By Jonathan Kimak

Chapter One: DEATH FINDS A PHALLUS

I could see them in the distance. They were fighting.

Sparks flew into the evening air. I stopped, scratched my itchy ass and began to move closer. The two fighters were still a few rooftops away and I wanted to see this battle up close. I’d never seen a live sword fight before, and even from this distance the sight was entrancing.

I was walking among the rooftops for my own security, I wondered why these combatants were dueling up in my domain. Well, it wasn’t really my domain, but I walked the rooftops most mornings and nights, avoiding some of the tougher residents on my block. They didn’t seem to like me and I quickly found out that I was allergic to punches. I suppose had I been taller everything would have been easier. An extra foot and I’d be 6’6″ or is it 6″6′, I don’t know. At that height my 200 pound frame would be normal and I wouldn’t be constantly out of breath.

I guess I dont really live in that great an area of town.

I guess I don't really live in that great an area of town.

Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

No Comments

Forum Bits: Dickonomics

Mar 25

Posted by admin in Fiction, Malcolm

Because I don’t think I mentioned this last time: since these are shorter pieces that I’m sure a large portion of my audience has already seen, this is going to be a three-update week. This is mostly being done to simultaneously silence my inner artist’s outraged cries at posting re-runs, and my outer audience’s deafening yawns of apathy at our glacial update schedule.

Oh look, TLG updated. I guess I owe Todd in HR a dollar.

"Oh look, TLG updated. I guess I owe Todd in HR a dollar."

Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

3 Comments

Four Movie Presidents Who Would Never Get Re-Elected

Mar 3

Posted by admin in Jeff, Lists, Nonfiction

Last November, the US made a giant social leap forward with the landslide election of Barack Obama. People wanted a change, and so far…well, change takes time. But that’s neither here nor there.

The fact remains that we still live in uncertain times, and more and more of us are being forced to sell ourselves on the street in order to simply pay our bills. In these trying times, we look to our leaders to guide us through to better days. At the end of the day, at least we can all take solace in the fact that we won’t have to rely on these fictional presidents, none of whom would ever get re-elected…

Billy Bob Thornton as The U.S. President (Love Actually)

Suck my dick, England.

"Suck my dick, England."

How He Fucked Up

For years, the US and England were like bickering siblings, and like many brothers who grew up hating each other and beating each other up, they gradually grew to be great friends. And then, a U.S. president like the one portrayed by Billy Bob comes along and fucks everything up because he decides he wants his older brother’s new woman. And then you know shit is on!

Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: , , , , , ,

12 Comments

A New Hope For Nerdosity: Erica Finally Watches Star Wars

Feb 19

Posted by admin in Erica, Nonfiction

Out of the many movies that get a shocked reaction from people when I confess I’ve never seen them- Top Gun, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, Citizen Kane- Star Wars is usually the most jaw-dropping.

Now, don’t get me wrong.   I’m pretty nerdy.   I was in band in high school (First Chair Trumpet players holla) and played Dungeons and Dragons pretty regularly for a couple of years.  I’m pasty, white, and just overweight enough to qualify for the Dork Olympics, but it’s the lack of tar Wars trivia knowledge that keeps me out of the trials.  Recently I decided that it was time to finally lose my Star Wars virginity, and as any planned virginity loss calls for, I bought champagne.

Ill be the first to admit that I got a little carried away.

I'll be the first to admit that I got a little carried away.

Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: , , , , ,

9 Comments

Anatomy Of A Failed Article

Feb 10

Posted by admin in Michael, Nonfiction

I don’t have a deadline, technically.  Rather, I have a sinking, depressed feeling as the end of the month draws nearer and I realize The Last Gaffe will have gone nearly a month without my wit, charm and pictures of me eating things (next month I plan to write an article about eating an entire wedding cake by myself.)  It is now nearly two weeks after the beginning of the month and Malcolm is threatening to kidnap and kill my Tamagotchi if I don’t deliver an article, the problem?  My article failed.

I wont let the bad man take you, Tamagotchi.

I won't let the bad man take you, Tamagotchi.

The development of my article didn’t begin until the last week of January when I began to get that sinking, depressed feeling again.  I desperately ransacked my old blogs to see if I had written anything funny in the past that I could use, but unfortunately Malcolm (A.K.A. Captain Hardass M.D.) didn’t think poetry dedicated to the cute girl who doesn’t even know I exist and long, depressing posts about how lonely Boulevard of Broken Dreams makes me feel were up to par for The Last Gaffe.   “Good Lord!” I told him, “You let a woman and an Irishman write for you, don’t talk to me about standards!”

Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: , , , , ,

3 Comments

Welcome To My Website; I Trust You Are Enjoying Yourselves

Feb 5

Posted by admin in Malcolm, Nonfiction

You’d better watch out, regular TLG fans.  It’s about to get a lot crazier in here.  Sex-crazy.

Cracked crazy.

You might be thinking to yourself “Hey, why does the name of the gentleman who wrote that article on naughty words look familiar?  I wonder if he knows the Malcolm Christiansen who writes for this website?”  Hold on to your tits, because here’s a mind-blowing, completely true fact: We are the same Malcolm Christiansen.

Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

7 Comments

Five TV Action Heroes I Would Totally Own In A Fight

Jan 25

Posted by admin in Fiction, Jeff, Lists

5. Michael Scofield (Prison Break)

Michael Scofield is the brains of the operation on Prison Break, which may not be saying much considering he’s been in prison, escaped, caught, thrown back in prison, escaped, caught, and put under house arrest and forced to work for the government under threat of, you guessed it, being tossed back in prison. He’s a smart guy, sure, if by smart you mean totally retarded but really smarmy about it. And he really sucks at this whole “freedom” thing.

Jailed again, excellent! The escape continues according to plan.

"Jailed again, excellent! The escape continues according to plan."

I would totally own him in a fight. Scofield carries himself with a sense of smugness and superiority that would have to be a hindrance in a brawl, and I’d like to see how smarmy he is with my foot up his ass. He’d be plotting wildly for how to use physics or whatever scientific garbage to his advantage, but MacGyver he is not, and he’d waste those precious few seconds before his face was met and pummeled by my Irish fists of fury calculating how to spring a perfectly concocted scheme that requires everything to break just so.

This time, Scofield, the only thing that’s going to break is your face. Booyah.

Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: , , , , ,

6 Comments

The 15 Lamest Energy Drink Names Ever

Jan 10

Posted by admin in Lists, Michael

15. “BooKoo”

It’s hard to say anything against BooKoo since the drink is so damndedly tasty, but we’ll come right out and say it: their name is terrible.

For those who aren’t Francophones, BooKoo is a bastardization of the French word for big, beaucoup; however, instead of making us think “big” we think “clowns,” and clowns are spooky.

Iiiiiiiiiits BooKoo the clown!

Iiiiiiiiiit's BooKoo the clown!

14. “Blow”

Despite being a clear rip-off of the much more popular and controversial energy drink Cocaine, Blow also lends itself to some all too obvious jokes we’re far too classy to print.

We will; however, give Blow extra points for actually being sold as a vial full of white powder which you mix with water. That’s pretty cool.

Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: , , , , , ,

10 Comments

An Open Letter To ‘Heroes’ Creator Tim Kring

Jan 6

Posted by admin in Jeff, Nonfiction

Dear Mr. Tim Kring,

Aloha! That’s Hawaiian for hello, but also goodbye. Currently, consider it the former. Anyhoo, I was recently online searching for nude photos of Hayden Panettierre making a substantial donation to the ASPCA, when I stumbled across this article in which you refer to the fans of your once hit television show Heroes as “saps” and “dipshits.” You caught some flack for this and Mr. Kring, I will not lie, initially I found myself a bit hurt. I thought we had something special. For a long while, probably a full three or four seconds, I thought that our beautiful bond had been broken.

Its okay, shes legal now.

It's okay, she's legal now.

But then I started to look at some of the things you have been doing on your show, and I began to understand. You decided to introduce new, uninteresting characters and convoluted storylines. You pushed your popular characters to the background, drastically cutting their screen time. But you didn’t do this for the sake of the show. I mean, considering the tremendous decline, how could anyone argue that was the case? No, you did this for a much grander reason. You did this for the sake of your actors.

Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: , , , , , ,

No Comments