Cracked crazy.

You might be thinking to yourself “Hey, why does the name of the gentleman who wrote that article on naughty words look familiar?  I wonder if he knows the Malcolm Christiansen who writes for this website?”  Hold on to your tits, because here’s a mind-blowing, completely true fact: We are the same Malcolm Christiansen.

(I’ll give you a moment to check that your tits remain securely fastened.)

Take your time.

So what makes my article more important than, say, the one that Jeff got published a couple weeks ago, or the two that Dan had published over the last month?  Well, it’s very complex, but it comes down to three things:

1. I am incomprehensibly lazy. It is only by virtue of a chugged litre of diet Pepsi that I am even managing to produce this much written text without taking a nap in between.

2. I am a bigoted racist. I’ve been too delicate until now to speak of it, but I only took Jeff on as a writer as a part of a government-enforced Affirmative Action program targeting the Irish.  I just knew that as soon as I gave him an audience, he’d be filling my inbox with whiskey-fueled rants about wild roses, shillelaghs, and Catholicism, but the Bureau of Internet Shenanigans threatened to revoke my license and here we are.   I publish his stuff, but God help me if I’ll link to any other sites that do (until now, I guess.)

Also, in the interest of equality, I pledge to start hating Dan Seitz’s nationality as well, once I figure out what it is.

Vulcan?

3. I probably forgot. Listen, I’m a busy man.  I don’t know if you’ve heard, but there’s this site, I forget what it’s called, that I guess I write for regularly now.  Video games or some junk.  I don’t really care about the subject matter, because they’re paying me in plump, fat American dollars to write phrases like “shitcunting dickfart.”  It’s a good fit, but it also sucks up my writing time like some sort of vacuum-powered sponge prostitute.

I’m also in the midst of applying to a school that offers what basically amounts to the Game Design program that gods might take.  In a jarring departure from my usual approach to things that are tremendously important to me (“Meh.”) I am taking this incredibly seriously.  As in, writing a game summary after doing research.  With books.  I’m taking this no-nonsense approach because it is my fervent desire to one day be as successful a game designer as Valve co-founder, Half-Life creator, and noted strudel enthusiast Gabe Newell:

Such... majesty.

All this makes it difficult to find the time for giving a proper shout-out to those people who deserve it (and Jeff.)  I apologize for that, and hopefully I won’t be such an unreliable dickface in the future.

But all of this tomfoolery distracts from the real reason all you new people are here: clicking on a seven-point high link at the bottom of a Cracked article!  You have shown both commendable taste and remarkable visual acuity in clicking through to my humble website, and I think you’re entitled to a brief tour, along with an explanation:

- The Last Gaffe was founded last October when Malcolm Christiansen bravely spent two hundred dollars on a domain name.  This was as far as this noble, washboard-abbed pioneer had thought to plan, and thus he freaked out and pretended his site didn’t exist for two months.

- In December, Malcolm finally cowboyed up and decided that a website with no content, while being a compelling concept, had already been done.  Emboldened, he decided that the only way this site was going to succeed was through hard work and perseverence.  Specifically, other peoples’ hard work and perseverence.  Malcolm set about asking strangers he found on the internet to write for him, and much to his surprise, the strangers agreed.

- The strangers (who you can read about above by clicking on the “Contributors” link) have since succeeded at making The Last Gaffe a lot stranger, as well as a lot funnier.  The Last Gaffe now plays host to several fine pieces of original comedy (and the stuff Jeff wrote,) with plenty more on the way.

And there you have it!  We’re nearing the end of this introductory article, so I’ll pause briefly again so you can make a final tit-check.

Can't be too careful.

I’ll now leave you to have a look around on your own.  Here’s a few closing remarks to keep in mind: first, there’s nothing a writer (especially an unpaid writer on the Internet) loves more than knowing that somebody enjoyed a thing they wrote.  If you have time, jot down a comment or e-mail to let us know what you think and we totally promise to squeal with glee when we read it.

Second, I’d just like to throw in an additional plug for Gameist, the video game humour site I mentioned earlier.  It just launched and I’m super-happy to be a part of it, so it’d be just peachy if you could wander over there after you’re done touching all our stuff here.  I know that there are plenty of other places that you can read funny things about video games on the web, but trust me when I say we’re better at it.

Finally, a sincere thank-you to everyone at Cracked for publishing my article and generally being awesome.  It’s no lie when I say that I wouldn’t be writing half as well as I do today without the experience I’ve gained over at that wonderful, whimsical website.  Cracked is, without hyperbole, one of the best places online today and it gives me a fluffy, kitteny feeling to think that I’m a part of it.  You guys rule, as kings rule.