But wait! I hear you saying: “How am I going to attain success, women, and job security when I have been effectively crippled by years of sedentary existence? I have spent so many hours re-posting memes on 4Chan that my muscles have atrophied to the point where I can no longer convey myself around my grandmother’s basement under my own power! It has been some days since she last came down to check on me or bring me food, and I fear that she has either moved without telling me or passed away. I sit here in front of my monitor, unable to act, unable to stand, unable to remove myself from the ever-growing pile of my own waste, idly wondering whether I shall die first from starvation or suffocation. How will your handy Primer help me?”

Well, to you I reply: “My Primer is only for the living, or more specifically, those living still able to stand upright under their immense girth. Please search for a handier Primer than this one.”

But to the rest of you I say: “Read on! You have nothing to lose but your chains, and maybe also a few pounds, fatty.”

Getting Your Head In The Game – Harnessing Your Powers of “First” Posting

I’m not going to sugar-coat it for you, brave denizen of the Web: it’s a tough job market out there. Friends backstabbing friends! Co-workers ripping off co-workers! Dogs eating dogs, and dogs don’t even have jobs! You’re going to need every scrap of every second just to get ahead.

Why, things are even tight in the Primer-writing business! You see, I had a friend in my old office. His name was Jimmy Chan, and he was an Asian. We worked together on many a Primer, and I thought that Jimmy Chan was my friend, but I thought wrong. Late one night, when Jimmy Chan and I were finishing up one particularly long Primer about fish or something, I felt a surge of brotherly affection for Jimmy Chan and decided to share something with him that I had never shared with anyone before.

“Jimmy Chan,” I said, “because I respect you, I want to show you a secret project of mine. It is almost complete, and first thing tomorrow I will be bringing it to our manager.”

“What is it, my friend?” asked Jimmy Chan, bowing or something.

I took a deep breath and showed him my laptop screen. “This, Jimmy Chan, is possibly the most important Primer ever written by mortal men.” I was quivering with excitement. “Primer-writers will speak my name in deep reverence, and powerful men will invite me eagerly into their ranks. Jimmy Chan, this… is the Primer for writing Primers!”

At this, Jimmy Chan’s eyes widened. I think I started to cry, I can’t remember, but I was so happy just to have revealed my magnum opus to another human being, after nights of torturous Priming. I went home in such a tizzy that I forgot my laptop at work, which was where Jimmy Chan put his devious plan into motion.

The next morning, I rushed to work early, not wanting to spare myself a single moment of my manager’s adoration. The sight that greeted me upon entering the office chilled my blood – Jimmy Chan, walking out of my manager’s office, holding my laptop. My manager was shaking hands with Jimmy Chan, as if to say “Good work, Jimmy Chan. Good work on the Primer that I have no doubt you created with your Asian hands. Good work, much better work than your lazy co-worker who has only just entered the office.”

Things get a little bit foggy after that. I remember rushing Jimmy Chan and knocking him down, and I suppose I may have struck him once or twice. I don’t remember the racial slurs the half-dozen witnesses claimed that I used, and I certainly don’t remember pointing out that Jimmy Chan had “huge, deceitful teeth.” I sort of blacked out around the point that witnesses claim I leapt up in search of a blunt object to “finish the job with.” Needless to say, due to Jimmy Chan’s treachery, that was the last Primer I wrote for that company.

How does all this relate to you and your surely-impeccable “First” posting skills? Well, to be honest, I got a little preoccupied with Jimmy Chan and forgot exactly what my point was. I suppose the mental alacrity requisite to attaining the first post on any online item that allows comments might give you an edge in outsmarting wily Asians, as I should have done in my anecdote. Or perhaps your keen senses of observation would have allowed you to deduce that Jimmy Chan had merely been holding on to my laptop for safekeeping, and was shaking hands with my manager because his Asian wife had just given birth to Jimmy Chan Junior.

Anyhow, I’m a little emotional right now, and I think I need a little bit of time alone to collect my thoughts on how best to continue this Primer. Check back tomorrow for the second installment!