Good day, kind Internet-dweller! If you are reading this, you have taken the first step towards success, women, and job security in this hectic world of ours! Read on for several more steps!
But wait! I hear you saying: “How am I going to attain success, women, and job security when I have been effectively crippled by years of sedentary existence? I have spent so many hours re-posting memes on 4Chan that my muscles have atrophied to the point where I can no longer convey myself around my grandmother’s basement under my own power! It has been some days since she last came down to check on me or bring me food, and I fear that she has either moved without telling me or passed away. I sit here in front of my monitor, unable to act, unable to stand, unable to remove myself from the ever-growing pile of my own waste, idly wondering whether I shall die first from starvation or suffocation. How will your handy Primer help me?”
Well, to you I reply: “My Primer is only for the living, or more specifically, those living still able to stand upright under their immense girth. Please search for a handier Primer than this one.”