Today’s forum thing (and the last one I’m going to inflict upon you for the time being since my policy of hitting my writers until articles come out has finally paid off,) comes from this boring thread, which was started by an unfunny idiot who wanted people to come up with ways for him to get “revenge” on his neighbors who insisted upon having loud sex at all hours, apparently. It was a stupid thread started by a stupid person, and thankfully the thing I wrote is only related to it by the barest of lines.

"You passionate lovers are in for it once the Internet tells me what to do about your shenanigans!"

As so often happens with threads like this, most of the responses either consisted of unfunny people trying to take the original poster seriously, and funny people taking the piss out of those people and the original poster. Then ominousoat (Micheal’s handle on the forums,) said this, which got my motor running (the motor in my brain, not the one in my pants*. Micheal’s the crazy pervert, not me:)

*Why yes, my junks are gas-powered.

“Yes, but if I don’t defend boning, who will?”

Googling "boning" turns up the expected gamut of porn and fish mutilation, but I also found this guy, whose name is actually "Duane S. Boning." He seems like he's got it together; I don't think he needs defending.

A lesser man might have let this go, but I am very large and thus was instantly inspired. I recall thinking to myself: “Hm, Micheal’s doing a pretty good job of making himself look like a sex-obsessed maniac… but I can probably one-up him.”

And so it was that I wrote and published the following chatlog. It’s important to remember that even though the entirety of what you are about to read is completely fictional, this is still a fairly accurate approximation of what it’s like to associate with Micheal Rader.

———————————————————————————————————

Oh Christ, not this again.

Dude, I get that everyone has their pet cause, but it’s really annoying when you make every conversation about boning.  Do you not remember the conversation we had about it online the other day?

Shenanigans4Lyfe says: hey dude

Shenanigans4Lyfe says: you got a sec?

OatLuvs8008135 says: JUST A MINUTE FINISHING SOMETHING UP

OatLuvs8008135 says: whoops capslock lol

OatLuvs8008135 says: but yeah no seriously I’m just having some pretty wild sex with a lady right now

Shenanigans4Lyfe says: again?

Shenanigans4Lyfe says: oat, this is the third damn time I’ve tried to talk to you about important shit and you’ve been too busy fucking to care

OatLuvs8008135 says: whoa, chill out

OatLuvs8008135 says: I can do both at once probably

OatLuvs8008135 says: hang on, I’ll ask her if she can hold the laptop

Shenanigans4Lyfe says: um, no

Shenanigans4Lyfe says: that’s alright, I’ll wait

OatLuvs8008135 says: cool, peace

OatLuvs8008135 is now known as OatIsHavingSex

OatIsHavingSex is now Away (Message: “Sorry, but all this sex I’m having has gotta come first, lol”)

OatIsHavingSex is now known as OatSexPlease

OatSexPlease is now back from being Away

OatSexPlease says: okay what’s the haps

Shenanigans4Lyfe says: wtf I thought you said you were almost done

Shenanigans4Lyfe says: I had time to watch last night’s Lost

OatSexPlease says: was it a good one?

OatSexPlease says: did they have sex in it?

Shenanigans4Lyfe says: I guess there was a little sex

OatSexPlease says: I KNEW IT

OatSexPlease says: I like sex

Shenanigans4Lyfe says: yeah um that’s kind of what I wanted to talk to you about

Shenanigans4Lyfe says: the article you just sent me is kind of weird

OatSexPlease says: you mean “80 Words I Can Type With My Penis”?

OatSexPlease says: what’s wrong with it?

Shenanigans4Lyfe says: well for one thing I thought we agreed that you were writing about “The 7 Burliest Lumberjacks”

OatSexPlease says: oh yeah well Prometheus thought that topic blew

OatSexPlease says: so we had a little brainstorming session and it all just kind of ‘came’ together

OatSexPlease says: lol

Shenanigans4Lyfe says: Prometheus?

Shenanigans4Lyfe says: oat, please tell me that’s not your dick’s name

OatSexPlease says: what?

OatSexPlease says: he brings the heat

OatSexPlease says: he’s got a big heart and a poet’s soul

Shenanigans4Lyfe says: so you’re telling me that you just smacked your cock against a keyboard eighty times and sent me what came out

OatSexPlease says: only seventy times actually

OatSexPlease says: I had to bring in Wilbur and Orville for a consult on the last ten

Shenanigans4Lyfe says: oat

Shenanigans4Lyfe says: oat, why on earth would you name your testicles after the Wright brothers

OatSexPlease says: they’re very lively

OatSexPlease says: all they want to do is fly

OatSexPlease says: that reminds me, we gotta wrap this up

OatSexPlease says: Prometheus and the fathers of powered flight have got some surly bonds to slip, if you get my drift

Shenanigans4Lyfe says: oat I think you’ve got a problem

Shenanigans4Lyfe says: maybe you should take a break from sex

Shenanigans4Lyfe says: like, just for an afternoon

OatSexPlease says: man fuck you

OatSexPlease says: you’re not my mom what you do care

Shenanigans4Lyfe says: you just sent me an article that you wrote by humping your keyboard for five minutes, I’d say that’s pretty serious

OatSexPlease says: I’ll have you know that that didn’t take nearly five minutes

OatSexPlease says: shows what you know

Shenanigans4Lyfe says: listen oat just get some help

Shenanigans4Lyfe says: I’m begging you

OatSexPlease says: oh yeah speaking of sex

Shenanigans4Lyfe says: what

OatSexPlease says: gotta motor

OatSexPlease says: (boat)

OatSexPlease says: lol

OatSexPlease has Quit (Message: “My dick’s got a table at Chez Vagina and he’d hate to miss his reservation.  Later Hater.”)

———————————————————————————————————

I should emphasize that this wasn’t the end of my fictional-chatlog-creation days. A little while later in the thread, the talk turned to a possible excursion for that meatiest of loafs, meatloaf. Obviously, my fictional self was determined to try and break fictional Micheal out of his self-destructive downward spiral:

——————————————————————————————————–

ShenanigansInDaHowse says: hey oat

ShenanigansInDaHowse says: buddy

ShenanigansInDaHowse says: some of us are going out to get some meatloaf, how ’bout you come with?

OatFuriousDickings says: sure that

OatFuriousDickings says: sounds like

OatFuriousDickings says: a good plan

ShenanigansInDaHowse says: oat, why are you talking weird

OatFuriousDickings says: got my leg stuck

OatFuriousDickings says: in a sex swing

OatFuriousDickings says: can only reach

OatFuriousDickings says: the keyboard by swing

OatFuriousDickings says: ing back and forth

OatFuriousDickings says: alright, grabbed the desk, we’re good

OatFuriousDickings says: that was a lousy six hours

ShenanigansInDaHowse says: um

ShenanigansInDaHowse says: do you want me to come get you down

ShenanigansInDaHowse says: oat are you still there

OatFuriousDickings says: sorry typing with one hand

ShenanigansInDaHowse says: oh, right

OatFuriousDickings says: not that that’s much different from how I usually do it

OatFuriousDickings says: lol

OatFuriousDickings says: but yeah my vision is getting pretty spotty and I swear I can hear the lamentations of dead relatives

OatFuriousDickings says: it’s killing my boner lol

ShenanigansInDaHowse says: oat, I would consider it a personal favor to me if you didn’t have a boner when I came over to cut you down from your sex swing

OatFuriousDickings says: no promises

OatFuriousDickings says: no regrets

ShenanigansInDaHowse says: whatever, I’m coming over now

ShenanigansInDaHowse has Quit (Message: “Don’t die, because then we can’t go for meatloaf.”)

OatFuriousDickings says: yay

OatFuriousDickings says: meatloaf

*Why yes, my junks are gas-powered.