5. Michael Scofield (Prison Break)

Michael Scofield is the brains of the operation on Prison Break, which may not be saying much considering he’s been in prison, escaped, caught, thrown back in prison, escaped, caught, and put under house arrest and forced to work for the government under threat of, you guessed it, being tossed back in prison. He’s a smart guy, sure, if by smart you mean totally retarded but really smarmy about it. And he really sucks at this whole “freedom” thing.

"Jailed again, excellent! The escape continues according to plan."

I would totally own him in a fight. Scofield carries himself with a sense of smugness and superiority that would have to be a hindrance in a brawl, and I’d like to see how smarmy he is with my foot up his ass. He’d be plotting wildly for how to use physics or whatever scientific garbage to his advantage, but MacGyver he is not, and he’d waste those precious few seconds before his face was met and pummeled by my Irish fists of fury calculating how to spring a perfectly concocted scheme that requires everything to break just so.

This time, Scofield, the only thing that’s going to break is your face. Booyah.

4. Peter Bishop (Fringe)

As the brilliant and mysterious Peter Bishop on Fringe, the artist formerly known as Pacey gets to walk around solving mysteries Scooby-Doo style while brooding half the time and showcasing his butter knife sharp wit the rest. In a battle of smugness, he’d likely topple even our old friend Michael Scofield. Plus, he’s got the added bonus of having more range than just playing the guy who squints and scowls and talks at just above a whisper. Sorry, Scofield.

Okay, I'm not really sorry. Look at him!

But let’s move on from our old Prison Break pal and focus on Peter Bishop, the son of an eccentric jailbird scientist who helps the government track down the culprits behind some really fucked up shit. Kind of like Mulder, only with less street cred.

I’d own him. There’s not even a question, is there? I mean, come on. This is Joshua Jackson we’re talking about. The little Mighty Duck would suffer the mighty wrath of my mighty overhand right to the forehead, followed by my own version of the flying V, which is really just code for a flying jump kick that deserves a fancy and ironic name, that would send him splashing down in Dawson’s Creek. And then I’d lay waste to James Van Der Forehead, just for good measure.

3. Jack Shephard (Lost)

We move now from smug and brilliant to selfless and brilliant, with a hearty helping of self-destructive mixed in. Jack, the de facto leader on Lost before he miraculously escaped and grew a bitchin’ beard and became a full blown alcoholic, is a good if tortured man who likes to make speeches and not put any moves on his excessively hot fellow castaway Kate, who anyone can tell totally wants it.

He’s a reluctant savior, rushing headlong into situations without always thinking them through and making rash decisions, which seems odd given that he’s a spinal surgeon who, one would think, is prone to things like “logic” and “grace under pressure.” But oh no, not Jack.

"I sprinted into the ocean for reasons I can no longer remember. Now I am wet and cold."

And that’s the primary reason I’d open a can on his scruffy-looking nerfherder ass. It seems like it’d be easy to trick ol’ Jack into a nice solid clothesline. I could just wait behind a door, yell out that Kate is in trouble, and right on cue Jack would come rushing in without trying to actually come up with one of those pesky “plans” that people are so high on. When he comes charging through, I’d just stick out an arm or a leg and watch the good doctor go sailing, and proceed to work him over to the point where, ironically, he’d need a doctor himself. He’d probably get stuck with someone like Hurley trying to take care of him. Hilarity would ensue.

I know better than to try fucking with Hurley, though. He's more nimble than he looks.

2. Peter Petrelli (Heroes)

When he’s got his powers, sure, Peter Petrelli is one bad dude. Not unlike the old school arcade game, similarly titled Bad Dudes. Did you ever play it? Totally boss. But with or without his powers, there’s one thing Peter Petrelli can’t overcome: he’s a total bitch. And a retard. And he’s too busy moping around and being emo to really be an effective hero. He’s basically a rebitchemotard*. It’s like his kryptonite, really.

"I find your lack of faith... disturbing."

Whether it’s getting owned by Sylar or Adam Monroe or having his powers sucked away by his father; getting manipulated by his mom or, well, basically falling for any scheme anyone ever throws at him, Peter Petrelli basically sucks at life.

For a guy with seemingly unlimited power, he really doesn’t know how to use them, or when. And when I locked horns with the little momma’s boy, I’d just say something that got him to unleash his power of being super emo. And it’d be way easy, too, because pretty much anything can drive an emo person to super emo status. Seriously, insult them and it feeds right into their mopey gayness. Compliment them – and rest assured they hate being complimented – and it will double the normal rate of descent into angst territory because 1) a compliment makes people happy, and emos hate being happy, therefore the compliment would make them super sad about being happy, and 2) the fact that they hate being happy in and of itself works, because hate leads to anger, anger leads to suffering, and you best believe that Yoda ain’t clownin’.

"Terrible, your poetry is."

And then I’d proceed to take him down while he was busy weeping and crying and spouting various forms of “woe is me.” On the bright side, getting his ass whupped would probably only fuel his emo-ness, giving him one more thing to brood about. Other than looking and acting like a little girl, that is.

*Don’t worry, I’ve already contacted the people at Webster’s about getting this added to the dictionary. I was supposed to e-mail Emmanuel Lewis for that, right?

1. Jack Bauer (24)

No, just kidding. Jack, I said I was just kidding! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it! Jack! Jack! No, please, Jack! JAAA–!

"Ok! Ok! Lost Boys was the greatest movie ever!"