By Lucius Cambridge, PhD., Canadian Film Institute, on assignment in London, England

I am, was, a student of the dearly departed Dr. Albert Oxford. I was with him at the peak of Mount Everest when he tragically fell and careened off the rocks like a rag doll in the winter of 2007. Now that I have been acquitted of any wrong doing in my esteemed mentor’s tragic demise I can finally continue his work in the field of movie critique. And so I give to you the following.

50 Reasons The Star Trek Movie Sucks

1) Elves in space?

Elves have been popular ever since that dreadful “Lord” of the “Rings.” So this movie slaps on some elf ears to bring in the gay-elf loving crowd.

2) Shameless use of STAR.

First there was STARgate, then there was STARwars and now STAR TREK? Way to be original Hollywood.

3) You’d think they could have found someone the same age.

In some scenes Spock is seen as a 30 year old and in other scenes he’s seen as an elderly man. Did the young guy quit because he knew the movie would hurt his career?

4) Name thievery.

What, they couldn’t think of an original name for their spaceship? This name is a blatant rip-off of the NASA space shuttle Enterprise.

5) False advertising.

Having a main character named after Dr. Benjamin Spock is a cheap trick to lure parents to see this under the false pretense of this movie being about child care. Note: This movie is NOT about child care.

6) Calling Dr. Spec Ops!

Spock grabs Kirk by the neck and Kirk suddenly passes out. Spock is a scientist, not some special forces super commando that knows pressure points. A tranquilizer gun would have been more believable.

7) Continuity.

The next time Spock grabs Kirk by the neck, Kirk doesn’t pass out. What is wrong Mr. Abrams, did Spock lose his special ops training over the course of ten minutes?

8 ) Bad Editing.

Kirk and Sulu are falling to their deaths when suddenly there’s some flashes of light they are both back on their spaceship with no explanation. What were those lights? Magical fireflies?

9) Magical fireflies II

This time the fireflies take Kirk and Montgomery Scott to a water park.

10) Magical fireflies III

The magical fireflies can zap everyone to safety except Spock’s mother? Are the fireflies misogynists?

11) They never show the man behind the curtain.

If you’re going to have these fireflies appear out of nowhere all the time at least show the wizard casting his spell. You show us elves but don’t give us wizards? That makes no sense.

12) Magical Fireflies, the final screw-up.

Scotty tells Kirk and Spock that they will be magically edited onto Nero’s ship in an area free of bad guys. Two seconds later Kirk and Spock appear in an area FULL OF BAD GUYS. How can you forget what you said just 2 seconds ago Mr. Scott?

13) A Rainbow Coalition.

Why is everyone wearing different colored uniforms? These people are in the military, not an Old Navy ad.

14) No pockets.

You would think that military uniforms would still have pockets for holding vital equipment, but no, that would probably clash with the ship’s décor.

15) A rose by any other name is not a fucking rose.

The doctor is called Bones despite not being a skeleton.

16) Recycled footage I

The movie starts with Captain Kirk and his spaceship fighting Captain Nero and his spaceship. The movie ends with Captain Kirk and his spaceship fighting? Yeah, you guessed it, Captain Nero and his spaceship.

17) Lighting problems.

In the bedroom scene (was this perversion really necessary?) the lighting is horribly off and makes one of the women appear a sickly hue of green.

18) Kleenex on scene 12.

An elf kid is shown sitting with a green blob on his lip. They should have cleaned that up in between takes.

19) You call that fencing?

Sulu says he knows fencing but during his fight he does not use a fencing sword. Were rapiers and epés outlawed in the future?

20) Wictor, Wictor. What did you just say comrade?

The ship is called the USS Enterprise. That’s United States Spaceship. No Russians allowed.

21) Do they shine in the daylight?

Spock (and his elderly stand-in) are shown flying a ship fueled by blood, an attempt to cash in on the popular Twilight movie.

22) Hey Harold, where’s Kumar?

They might as well have had him, you’d need to be stoned to enjoy this movie.

23) I didn’t see Joe Rogan anywhere.

How many places did this movie steal from? The bug eating scene is clearly taken from Fear Factor.

24) Time Travel problem.

You can’t travel through time without a Delorean. Everyone knows this.

25) Two parachutes.

Kirk parachutes onto a platform. Then he parachutes off the platform with Sulu, where did the second parachute come from?

26) Flagship.

They call the Enterprise the flagship despite the total lack of flags inside and outside the ship.

27) Security Cameras catch Kirk and Scotty at the water park.

Is this a spaceship or a 7/11?

28) Recycled footage II

We see Spock watch Vulcan get destroyed. A few minutes later we see Spock watching Vulcan get destroyed again.

29) Uhura’s Neck Bolt.

If Spock and Uhura had a baby would it be part elf, part Frankenstein?

30) Something seems fruity.

Apparently eating an apple gives you the ability to win an unwinable scenario. Did the orange lobby not offer enough money?

31) No Robots?

How can they make us believe the movie is in the future if they don’t show any robots?

32) In the pocket of big apples.

Throwing out the cores saves the day? Think we wouldn’t notice this subliminal message Mr. Abrams?

33) Two races of elves.

Was there a sale on elf ears at Costco? There’s no other reason why the Romulans should look so much like the Vulcans.

34) Ship? More like Shit.

The design of the Enterprise is crap. It looks like a tampon attached to a tea saucer.

35) Spaceshit II

The ship is not aerodynamic in the slightest. They would go a lot faster if they had some fins and a spoiler on the rear.

36) Whatever happened to Baby Jim?

After the birth of baby Jim we never hear about him again.

37) Disobedient crew.

Someone yells “Raise shields” and not one crew member lifts up a shield.

38) Audio Problem.

Sometimes during scenes in space there is no sound. The rookie in charge of the sounds, named Ben Burrt, should have been fired.

39) Should have had a closed set.

During some scenes, if you look closely you’ll notice that a 20th century car is in scenes that are supposed to take place in the future.

40) Say what?

The elderly stand-in for Spock tells Kirk, “I am and always have been your friend.” No he hasn’t. Spock and Kirk are enemies, was the old man not paying attention to what the real Spock actor had been doing in the rest of the movie?

41) Ahh’ll be Baack?

Early on the movie has a screen that says TERMINATED on it for no apparent reason other than to be used in promotional footage to trick people into thinking this is the new Terminator movie.

42) Where did all the elf boys go?

Early on there are a bunch of elf boys fighting. These kids are never seen again in the movie.

43) Hair Club for Elves.

Spock’s hairstyle went out with the Beatles in the 60’s.

44) Development Hell.

You know a movie will be bad when it takes a long time to make it. This movie has been in production for at least a decade. The action figures for the movie came out over 10 years ago.

45) Elves have poor memories.

Nero is angry at Spock and wants to kill him, but Spock acts like he doesn’t know who Nero is. This is illogical.

46) Elves have rheumatoid arthritis.

It seems weird to give an entire species a crippling condition that makes their fingers stick together in pairs everytime they raise their hand.

47) Guard rails.

These futuristic ships don’t have simple anti-fall-to-your-doom technology that we have and enjoy today.

48) Yelling out the wrong name.

At one point the actor playing Spock messes up his line by addressing Uhura as Nyota. You’d think the editors would have caught this one.

49) Blatant product placement.

In the bar, Uhura orders a Sluhso. Couldn’t get enough funding so you had to whore yourself out to big-Slusho Mr Abrams?

50) 4+4 = 1?

In the bar, Kirk is facing four guys when he tells the lead guy that he should bring more guys to make it a fair fight. How can Kirk be a genius if he doesn’t even know simple math.

Once again, I have been Dr. Lucius Cambridge, PhD. Thank you.