15. “BooKoo”

It’s hard to say anything against BooKoo since the drink is so damndedly tasty, but we’ll come right out and say it: their name is terrible.

For those who aren’t Francophones, BooKoo is a bastardization of the French word for big, beaucoup; however, instead of making us think “big” we think “clowns,” and clowns are spooky.

Iiiiiiiiiit's BooKoo the clown!

14. “Blow”

Despite being a clear rip-off of the much more popular and controversial energy drink Cocaine, Blow also lends itself to some all too obvious jokes we’re far too classy to print.

We will; however, give Blow extra points for actually being sold as a vial full of white powder which you mix with water. That’s pretty cool.

13. “Go Fast”

There’s not much that can be said about Go Fast, other than “well, yeah.” You’re supposed to make us go fast Go Fast, that’s why you’re an energy drink.

Go Fast is like a box of crackers called Put Cheese Upon or a WatchMe brand television set. Screw you Go Fast. Screw you for being so ludicrously obvious.

12. “Kaboom!”

We know it’s en vogue to imply your energy drink will give its consumers near-fatal doses of energy, but this just makes us feel like the product is initially defective.

The name makes us fear that it is produced by ACME, and when we attempt to drink it to get that quick burst of energy necessary to catch the roadrunner some faulty wiring causes the entire thing to explode. It could happen.

11. “Invigor8″

Do you see what they did there? It’s really very clever, you see, the number 8 sounds like the phonetic sound “ate,” they’re homophones you see, and, get this, it’s marketed by V8, so the 8 is actually part of their name, and…wait, did we say clever? We meant irritating, very irritating.

10. “Mozart”

Alright, we can admire what they were trying to do here. We all know the energy drink market is saturated with names like THUNDERBLAST, AMP, MANJUICE, and TESTOSTERZONE, so we’re fairly sure Mozart brand energy drink was trying to stand out as a “classy” drink, but really…Mozart?

Is their marketing slogan For that speedy pick-up thou need whilst penning Con Fan Tutti?

9. “Kabbalah”

Contains surprisingly little actual power.

The moment you see the word Kabbalah, you know you’ve heard it somewhere, it lies someplace in the back of your mind and you simply can’t put a finger on it. We’ll help you out a bit:

Madonna.

Yes, that Kabbalah, the wacky ass Jewish religion that Madonna, Demi Moore and Paris Hilton support.

And yes, this is indeed an energy drink marketed by the Kabbalah religion. Reportedly it is strawberry flavored and made with water blessed by a rabbi. Furthermore, the energy drink has regular Jews mad at the Kabbalah Jews for “selling out.”

Sadly, we did not make a word of that up.

8. “Deep Throat”

Hey kids, now you too can pretend you’re Linda Lovelace with Deep Throat brand energy drinks. Finally, you can perform gratuitous sex acts for money in front of a camera well into the night without fear of fatigue.

Just thank your lucky stars they didn’t make the can a large phallus or attempt to simulate any related flavors.

7. “Kronik: Grind”

Let’s ignore the obvious shill towards pot heads here and focus on the real issue: Kronik Grind sounds like something there should be a support group for.

Note to future marketers: if your product’s name conjures up images of debilitating disease, horrid mental defects or uncontrollable self gratification, consider a different name.

6. “Bong Water”

There’s two energy drinks marketed directly towards stoners?

Stoners?

One of the least energy craving demographics in existence?

Energy drinks?

On top of that, they chose a name that may as well be “tastes like piss” for how appetizing that sounds. How hard is this? What about “Ganja Grape,” or “Bong Berry”? Don’t make me do your job for you Bong Water Inc.

5. “Phat Phruit”

We’re pretty hip people, we’re up on the slang and lingo of the kids, and we know that when a “homeboy” calls his “fine mamma” “phat” he’s not telling her she’s corpulent, but rather he is letting her know she is pretty hot and tempting.

However, we can’t for the life of us determine what a “Phruit” is. Does it stand for “Panting Heavily Ruins Unctuous Ill TaTas”? Is it a fruit that reacts readily with acid? We may never know.

4. “Who’s Your Daddy?”

Who indeed. Who’s Your Daddy claims to be the “king” of all energy drinks, which is a fittingly douchey claim for a completely douchey sounding energy drink.

In fact, scientists proved in 1932, with science, that only complete douche nozzles say “Who’s Your Daddy,” and we are left to assume, with science, that only douche nozzles drink Who’s Your Daddy brand energy drinks.

3. “1 in 3 Trinity”

Finally an energy drink for the devout Christian on the go for when the Holy Spirit just isn’t enough. Let’s be frank, we all know how hard it is to find energy drinks not mass produced by Satan himself or his corporate subsidiaries. Thankfully, the edgy people at 1 in 3 Trinity have solved this problem that has plagued all of no one with 1 in 3 Trinity energy drink.

1 in 3 Trinity claims to be “Fused with The Fruits of the Spirit”, and who are we to argue?

2. “Hunid Racks”

We lied when we said we were culturally hip. Somewhere along the way we got lost amidst the baggy jeans and angry talking music. That’s why Hunid Racks confused and infuriated us so much, and after much furious Googling we finally figured out what a “Hunid Rack” is: It’s 100,000 dollars, or as we say in America: 100,000 smackaroos.

We don’t hate Hunid Rack’s name just because it belittles us with its urban know how, we also hate it because it sounds like something found growing on the bottom of a geriatric’s foot.

1. “Sum Poosie”

Sum Poosie is the energy drink equivalent of having a “No Fat Chicks” sticker on your car or a “One in the pink; two in the stink” shirt: if you are seen with one, you will never know the touch of a woman.

Sum Poosie exists solely for 14 year old boys to giggle and talk about getting “sum poosie.” Ironically, they will never get the real kind. However, once sales eventually slip (how long can this stay amusing?) they may want to talk to the 1 in 3 Trinity people, concerned Christian parents may be interested in having this as abstinence in a can.