by Malcolm Christiansen

At some point in your life, it is inevitable that you are going to give a massage. This situation might be as agreeable as having an attractive member of the opposite sex playfully disrobe and demand that you lay their hands upon their body, or you might be so unlucky as to be a professional masseur and thus be forced to touch people that don’t give you a boner.

Whatever the case, the day will come when you suddenly have your hands full of a person who is expecting a good experience. Luckily, I’m a fully-qualified toucher of people, and I’m more than happy to lend you the benefits of my years of experience in handling the flesh of others.

Collected below are a list of easy-to-master tips and tricks, as well as advice for navigating common pitfalls of skin-rubbing. Let’s jump right in!

- Let’s get this out of the way as soon as possible: yes, learning to massage is going to help your sex life. Oh holy fuck is it ever going to help your sex life. It’s almost unfair how much learning massage helps your sex life. It’s not hard to see how; it’s a hobby that actively demonstrates how dexterous you are, requires your subject to strip at least half-naked before lying completely prone in front of you, and allows you to play mood music while you rub scented lotions into their yielding flesh. If you can’t figure out how that might lead to naughty shenanigans, then you’re either a particularly unattractive member of the clergy or composed of Styrofoam.

- That being said, while some massages are indeed a one-way street to Sextown (Population: Genitals,) it’s important to keep in mind that not all sensuous rub sessions represent extended foreplay. Hoo boy, is it ever important to remember this. I mean, not that I have any direct experience with this kind of misunderstanding, which is definitely what it is, a complete and altogether believable misunderstanding, the kind that could happen to absolutely anyone. And even if something like this does happen, you definitely shouldn’t panic and say something along the lines of “I was only doing it because I thought nobody else would”, which would be precisely the wrong thing to say in that situation. I mean, there’d have to be something seriously messed up with you if you said that! Ha ha! What were we talking about again?

- Never underestimate the importance of the right music. Ideally, you’ll want something relaxing, like smooth jazz or some of Vivaldi’s more mellow selections. However, you don’t want your subject to doze off while the massage is going on, so I recommend throwing in something loud and jarring to shock them awake every few tracks or so. Y’know, something like the sound of an air raid siren, or the baying of a pack of angry hounds, drawing ever-closer.

One of Don Cherry's suits should also do the trick! Ah, fuck you, the Canadians will get it.

- The trick to a good back rub is for your subject to always feel as though you’re confident and in control. You can communicate this with smooth, easy transitions from hand motion to hand motion, and by asking them regularly in a calm voice how they’re doing. A poor way to put your subject at ease is whispering barely-audible prayers under your breath and then excusing yourself from the room to puff on an inhaler.

- Some people are reluctant to disrobe before a massage due to body image issues. Thus, it is considered good manners to try very hard to stifle your laughter when the shirt comes off.

- Never, ever, pinch someone during a massage. Just… don’t. Why would you ever pinch someone who you were trying to make feel relaxed? That is the polar opposite of helping! It’s like you’re some kind of torturer! (This point may or may not be related to an exceptionally terrible massage that the author may or may not have received recently.)

What about this looks relaxing? Was your answer 'fucking nothing'? Well congratulations, I guess you can relate to the human concept of pain, then.

- Engaging your subject in calm, quiet conversation is a good way to both establish trust between you two and give them an additional outlet for their stress. Some people take this trust a little too seriously, however – always be ready to stop your subject with a gentle reminder that you are not a lawyer or a priest, and that you are obliged to inform the police about any murders or similar crimes that you hear confessions to.

- It is considered unprofessional to cast about your room or office for objects that you can rub on your subject ‘just to keep things interesting.’ Inappropriate objects include toothbrushes, headphones, computer monitors, house pets (birds included,) and other guests that you might have over. If you absolutely must violate the trust your subject has placed with you by stroking their skin with a foreign object, at least have the common courtesy to upload a video to YouTube.

- Proper cleanup is the hallmark of a good massage. After you’ve finished, use a clean cloth or towel to wipe off any excess oil or lotion. Under no circumstances should the excess be licked off. Neither should you bury your face in the towel used to clean the excess and draw in a long, shuddering breath which you follow up by leaning in close to your subject’s ear and whispering “It’s you. I’m breathing you.”

That’s all for now! Remember, if my massage tips help you in your quest for love, or even in your quest for basic human contact, I want to hear about it! E-mail me with vivid descriptions (and sexy photos, if possible.)