Out of the many movies that get a shocked reaction from people when I confess I’ve never seen them- Top Gun, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, Citizen Kane- Star Wars is usually the most jaw-dropping.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m pretty nerdy. I was in band in high school (First Chair Trumpet players holla) and played Dungeons and Dragons pretty regularly for a couple of years. I’m pasty, white, and just overweight enough to qualify for the Dork Olympics, but it’s the lack of tar Wars trivia knowledge that keeps me out of the trials. Recently I decided that it was time to finally lose my Star Wars virginity, and as any planned virginity loss calls for, I bought champagne.
I'll be the first to admit that I got a little carried away.
Also, let me be clear that this isn’t the first time I attempted to watch Star Wars. Nor am I completely ignorant about what happens in it. Let’s start with what I know.
A) Luke Skywalker is living with his aunt and uncle on some planet.
B) Darth Vader’s real name is Anakin Skywalker, and is Luke’s father.
C) Leia is Luke’s twin sister.
D) Frank Oz is a Jedi warrior, and is played by a backward-talking Muppet.
E) Someone gets his hand cut off.
F) I alone can change and tame Han Solo, and I have a 6-part fanfic to back me up.
"Oh Han!" I cried. "Make my Kessel run!"
So with the thirty-year-old spoilers out of the way, let’s begin a journey I’ve been putting off for 15 years.
- Feb 4, 8:00 PM
I open the champagne and settle in from of the laptop with a heavy heart. I was really looking forward to going to my grave leaving my Star Wars cherry intact. I don’t bother to read the scroll-up, as I’ve seen Space Balls countless times and am pretty sure I’ve got the gist of the story.
- 8:15 PM
Yet again, I’m struck with how utterly boring this movie is. Years ago, when episode Whatever was released I borrowed the trilogy from my dungeon master so I could be a little more knowledgeable about the story. I’m pretty sure I turned it off right away and just played Spyro the Dragon for a few hours instead.
Now that I think about it, Spyro would have made an excellent addition to the Star Wars cast. Lucas, phone me.
- 8:25 PM
As Luke pulls up to the charred corpse of his aunt and uncle, one thing is clear- this is going to require a lot more booze. I send my husband to the store for a six pack of beer and a small bottle of vodka.
- Feb 5, 9:00 AM
What the hell happened? Oh God, my head.
"Mrrraa- AAAGH! Okay, don't panic. I'm sure there's an excellent reason that I'm an anime character now."
- Feb 6, 8:00 PM
Okay, look. You need to finish this. I know it doesn’t interest you in the slightest, and the characters are at this point tired and two dimensional, but this needs to be done. So, who’s going to watch Star Wars? Who’s going to finish this shit and get it over with, huh? You, Erica. That’s who. That’s right. Erica will finish Star Wars.
- 8:20 PM
There’s a great disturbance in the Force and I’m dying inside.
- 8:30 PM
I decide to look up the details of the “Stormtrooper effect”, or the Principles of Evil Marksmanship, where the bad guy is a shitty shot and the hero has perfect aim, despite having little training and is most likely a lot more nervous. I’ve noticed this in quite a few action movies and whatnot, and according to Wikipedia, it was Roger Ebert who coined the term and still uses it in his reviews. Just thought that little tidbit was more interesting than what I’m watching right now.
- 9:00 PM
Oh wow! A space battle! Is Luke going to fail his newly found ideals and skills?! Is Han Solo going to keep to the meaning of his very symbolic name and abandon the rebel cause?! Are the scrappy group of do-gooders going to fail after everything we’ve been through?! Oh, sweet baby Jesus I can’t take the suspense!
- 9:15 PM
Thank God that’s over. So, the rebel cause is safe for another day. But what does tomorrow bring?
Another fucking Star Wars movie, of course. See you next time, kids.
#1 by Malcolm at February 20th, 2009
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I like to hold this article up as the perfect example of how someone can be born into Western civilization, with all the trappings and advantages thereof, and still grow up believing things that are completely wrong.
Also, HAN SOLO IS MINE YOU KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF HIM
#2 by Michael at February 20th, 2009
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I don’t think you watched it right. You should probably try it again, possibly with someone sitting next to you quoting the lines verbatim.
Also wear a slave Leia outfit.
#3 by Jeff at February 21st, 2009
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You just made baby Jesus sad.
I mean baby Jesus Flores, Juan and Mary’s son.
He’s crying, but he might just be hungry. Or poopy. Probably both, though. Either way, he’s crying. Nice job.
#4 by ninja at February 23rd, 2009
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I can’t believe you haven’t seen Star Wars.
#5 by Nimby at February 26th, 2009
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Someone must have slipped Heaven’s Gate into the Episode IV box at Blockbuster or something. You know when you’re watching Star Wars because you -shit yourself with excitement at how awesome it is-. Since you didn’t mention that in the article, I can only assume that my movie-substitution theory is correct.
#6 by Asmodoues at March 9th, 2009
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Star Wars is best watched at a young age, before you develop taste in movies. Then nostalgia will make it seem awesome when you watch it again later in life.
Trust me. I love it, but I also admit that it’s strong on concept and weak on acting.
#7 by Chris Clark at May 9th, 2009
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Man. More people need to be coming to this site.
Its not wholly original. But the writing is awesome. And If there is one thing I have learned in my treks through the web, its this.
Most people who think they can write, CAN’T. And if a girl makes fun of cherry popping, they are probably really a guy. Because girls can’t be funny… right?
If you are a real chick Erica, congratulations on being the first girl in the world to make me laugh.
#8 by shoguncdn at October 13th, 2009
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Boring? Man, I’ll never understand girls.
#9 by Tamina at October 15th, 2009
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Chris Clark, you are a classy man.
No, really.