Nine straight months of radio silence! That’s pretty impressive, assuming you’re the type of person who is impressed by Dickensian levels of neglect.

Yes, like it says in the title, shit is getting red-hot awful soon. The end of my schooling is drawing tantalizingly near, which means that my priorities once more place writing stuff for the internet at the top of the heap!

So stay tuned – Jeff, Jay, Michael, and myself are going to be tearing it up on this comedy dance floor, just you wait.

Until then, why not check out this absolutely fucking incredible music produced by Alijah Ladd, a young fellow in my game design class? He deserves the attention!

This past Christmas, my son received a Star Wars branded fishing pole from a relative. It was literally a small child-sized fishing pole with Darth Vader on the reel and R2D2 on a disk at the end of the line. It made no sense whatsoever. Even I, one who had never seen the trilogy before had a hunch that there was little to no fishing involved. Unless I was about to stumble upon a touching reconciliation-themed fishing trip between evil dark overlord and son, I’m pretty sure someone would have mentioned a desire to toss a line over the hull of the Millennium Falcon on their bucket list. But, as baffling as that toy is, I really dig it. The kids rarely pay attention to it, preferring instead the far more logical Spongebob fishing pole. That leaves me to absent-mindedly flick it across the room while sitting at the computer. I think it’s because the pole and I are a kindred spirit of sorts.

If you take the entire genre of science fiction out of the Nerd Equation, my geek pedigree is as pure and true as toothless and sickly British royalty. I was in the marching band (brass playas, holla), I was an organizer of the high school Renaissance Fair, I played weekly D&D games, and I followed Kevin Smith movie with a zeal that would rival the most pasty of virgins. Science fiction was just something I never got into. So ignorant I was of even the most basic of references, I sometimes felt like a branding mistake. No matter how thick my black-rimmed glasses were, my knowledge was as relevant as a Star Wars fishing pole.

This might soon change. I actually really dug The Empire Strikes Back. So much so that I had to stop myself from reaching for the next installment less this article be soiled by too much knowledge. But lets get the surprises out of the way first:

* I was expecting more action.

* I was expecting Billy Dee Williams to be an active rebel who turns out to be an Imperial spy.

* I was expecting Han’s “I know” to be a completely different tone.

* I was expecting Luke’s hand to stay off.

The Empire Strikes Back was about a thousand times better than A New Hope. Both the actors and the characters were more mature and more interesting to watch. Instead of a whiny teenager, Luke’s now a petulant young man and a cross between impatience and hubris. Which sounds unpleasant, but is actually refreshing in its realism. Darth Vader’s vulnerability is more apparent, but I’m not sure if they hinted at this in the first one since I was slightly drunk. And although Han and Leah’s Sam and Diane shtick was overplayed, annoying, and retardedly dialogued, it mercifully stopped when Billy Dee’s smoooooothness came into the picture. Smooth.

Plus, there was the added bonus of finally getting pathetically specific references!

"HNNNNNNNNNN"

"NRRRRRRRRRRRRR"

-words from a cartoon-

-words from Star Wars-

I know there’s more, but I’m working backwards here.

Oh, man and there’s so much more in store for me! Finally caring about Randall’s Death Star rant on Clerks! Finally getting about one quarter of the Craption submissions at Cracked! Not being made fun of by Derek over at the comic book store! (I hate him so much.) But I don’t see this turning into a faggathon in the way of dressing up at conventions and whatnot. I just think it was a very cool movie that I’ll probably watch again one day.

Now, on to Return of the Jedi!

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AND NOW, THE SITE NEWS WITH MALCOLM

Finally, look for me to be posting some of the wacky shit I’ll be making as part of my school assignments. Technically everything I create while attending VFS is property of the school, but apparently they will very politely not sue me so long as I don’t sell it. So don’t nobody go giving me huge sums of money for the things I make, because that would be awful.

COME BACK TOMORROW AND MAYBE I’LL HAVE STOPPED TREATING TLG LIKE A GODDAMN LIVEJOURNAL.

Tomorrow will be my first day of classes in Vancouver Film School’s Game Design program. It’s an odd sensation – I feel as though I’ve been waiting for this my whole life, when it’s really only been the past few months. And yet the feeling is appropriate; this is my first real step in becoming what I really want to become.

Just a few months ago, I was desperately unhappy for reasons I am certain will fail to titillate: I was toiling unsuccessfully towards a seat in UBC’s Creative Writing faculty with little to no plan for my future (this very site actually began as a frankly cynical attempt to establish one more source I could site on my writing resumé.) I had been rejected by the faculty once before while a friend of mine got in (now that I have left UBC, I can say my goodbyes and wish both him and the faculty nothing but prosperity and success (which is writer-speak for “fuck them and their mothers too.”)) I was running low on money, I was about thirty-five pounds overweight, I was depressed to the point of mumbling philosophical ramblings to myself on long walks through the mist, and my sleep patterns could have at best been described as “erratic” and at worst as “insane.” I wasn’t so much in a downward spiral as I was in a full-on nosedive into a black hole.

Things are, um, better now.

For one thing, I’ve lost a ton of weight and have gained some nifty-looking muscles with which I have no clue what to do. I offer the following image of my right bicep as evidence (I actually didn’t just take this; it was taken several weeks ago as an accessory to a fairly convoluted Gaffe Station post telling Micheal to fuck himself sideways. It… it made sense at the time.)

And I’m going to a school where I’ll work towards something I want in courses I’m actually passionate about in a city full of life, color, and sound while surrounded by young people who want the same things I do (but who I’m also convinced don’t have ideas that are anywhere near as good as mine.) So there’s that.

I hope I don’t fuck this up. I know I’m essentially repeating what I said back when I started the site in October (not that most of you will remember that, what with the post where I said it having been deleted for several months,) but trust me – this time I’m serious. Not only because I doubt I’ll get a chance better than this, but also because it’s good to be happy again. It’s not pure happy, of course – it’s not the white-hot fanfare of trumpets on the front of your brain that is joy, and it’s not the electric whip-crack flavor of love – it’s just the dull, low-intensity contentment that comes from knowing that you’re doing the right things for once.

Sorry if this comes off as smug. It’s just good to talk about it.

Some actual site stuff for those of you that have remained conscious through my rambling: this program, incredible as it is, is also very intense and a ridiculous time commitment. I will be taking thirty hours of classes a week and doing an estimated thirty additional hours of homework. I have been doing my best to organize site affairs before classes start (such as the forums and the ads (which have earned me a whopping six cents so far,)) but content production and publishing has always been the major time-suck.

What I’m saying is that barring a mass attack of brain hemorrhages in my contributors that causes them to turn in their articles on time while neglecting family and work obligations, as well as a bout of divine intervention that puts approximately thirty more hours into the week… longer updates might come a little slow. To compensate for that, I’ll be attempting to do more of these shorter, bloggier thingies between the longer feature pieces. I don’t doubt that I’ll be short on inspiration.

This is normally where I might say something like “And if that isn’t good enough for you then fuck off because we do this for free,” but I don’t feel like saying that today. We do this for free because we love to do it, and we hope you enjoy the things we do. That’s the beginning and end. I want to write comedy because of gasping, gut-wrenching belly laughs. I want to make games because of unreserved, jaw-dropping joy. I want to do things I love because of love.

Today I am happy.

I’d love to say that this was a really hard decision that I struggled with for a long time due to a conflict between my socioeconomic situation and my artistic integrity, but that would be a boldfaced lie. The only reason TLG didn’t have ads from the get-go was because of my kitten-like meekness in the face of CSS, which I am now slowly overcoming step by itty-bitty step.

So have I sold out? Is everything different now? Does The Man have my balls?

Yes, yes, and emphatically yes.

I can’t lie, I love money. I love it to a fetishistic degree, to the point where I cannot achieve orgasm unless a thousand dollars in mixed currencies is in plain sight. There is no act too despicable or depraved that I will not perform for the right price, and my price is laughably low – in the fast-food joint of life, my soul remains resolutely on the Valu-Menu. As for TLG’s other contributor’s, let’s be honest: they always knew I would sell them down the river one day, and it was only a question of when.

It is thus with piggish glee that I announce: advertisers, step right up! If ever you have wanted to dictate content on a small-but-growing comedy site, now is your chance! Don’t let it slip through your fingers, swollen though they might be from counting your millions!

On a note unrelated to capitalist excess, there are going to be a couple of pleasing additions to TLG’s masthead soon. One old face and one new, both of whom I hope will receive a warm welcome.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to dive into a vault full of small coinage.

Ladies, please drop me an e-mail or comment on this post so that we can coordinate our schedules around some rough fuckin’.

Especially you, Cassandra.

- The results of our auditions are in, and we have five shiny new writers to fill your viewing holes with comedy! Please welcome Bobby Ingram, Pierre Singh O’Reilly, Daniel Dean, Johnathan Kimak, and Jay Thomas! I’ll be posting the first update from one of these new writers tomorrow. Are you excited? I’m excited.

- The Contributors page has been updated to include the new writers and their other internet writings! I’ve also changed the design a little; now instead of linking to individual articles the page links to site profiles. It keeps me from having to update the page every time they write something new (some of these guys are real assholes about getting new things published.)

- I’ve cut Jeff and Micheal’s Twitter feeds from the sidebar because MINE ARE THE ONLY THOUGHTS THAT MATTER. That, and I noticed that all three were taking a little too long to load and just generally cluttering things up. No more of that!

- I’ve been working on a proper, easier-to-navigate archive that’ll make it easier to find old articles and stuff. Look for that to go up in a week or two.

That’s all! Like I said, there will be hot, spicy new content tomorrow, so stay tuned!

What Would Be Expected Of Me?

As a contributor, you’d be expected to write at least one article of around a thousand words per month. The site focuses on commentary and analysis of popular culture, with article topics being selected on a case-by-case basis. When you get an idea, we discuss it and I give you the go-ahead, whereupon you write the article on the word processor of your choice and e-mail it to me. You aren’t responsible for formatting and pictures, but if there’s a certain way you want something laid our or an image you want included, just let me know.

Beyond that, ideas and suggestions are always appreciated. TLG is something I do because I genuinely enjoy it, and I want to make sure that everyone with work published there are having a good time as well.

What Do I Get Out Of The Deal?

Beyond the camaraderie of your fellow contributors? Well, there’s a certain amount of exposure involved – we’re doing fairly well for a site with only about three months of regular updates under its belt. TLG receives over 1000 views per week, and that number has been steadily increasing.

All in all, it’s one more place where your name would show up online next to some very high-quality writing. If getting paid for writing internet comedy is essential to you, then I wish you good luck.

Is There A Form I Have To Fill Out Or Something?

All I ask is that you display genuine enthusiasm and give me some example of your previous writing to look over. It doesn’t have to be something published professionally (though that certainly wouldn’t hurt,) just something that will give me a sense of your writing voice and whether or not you’d fit in.

If you’re interested, leave a comment to this post or e-mail me at mchristiansen (at) thelastgaffe (dot) com.