Today’s forum thing (and the last one I’m going to inflict upon you for the time being since my policy of hitting my writers until articles come out has finally paid off,) comes from this boring thread, which was started by an unfunny idiot who wanted people to come up with ways for him to get “revenge” on his neighbors who insisted upon having loud sex at all hours, apparently. It was a stupid thread started by a stupid person, and thankfully the thing I wrote is only related to it by the barest of lines.

"You passionate lovers are in for it once the Internet tells me what to do about your shenanigans!"

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Tags: Cracked, Cracked Forums, fake conversations, Fiction, Malcolm, meatloaf, Micheal is unreliable, Micheal sex, Scripts

I’ve been a little busy with my various schemes to put much thought into what I’m going to write next for this site. Since I don’t really feel like forcing anything, I figured I’d steal a trick from Jay Pinkerton and just post some dressed-up pieces I’ve written for the Cracked Forums over the past few months. Most of them were just spur-of-the-moment things I banged out when some random comment activated my imagination.

I’ll do my best to provide context and background, and also correct some of my more glaring mistakes of formatting and punctuation. Oh, and if this whole business seems uncharacteristically lazy and narcissistic, then you obviously haven’t seen my Twitter account.

Let me put it this way: Dane Cook LOVES my Twitter.

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Tags: 4chan, Anthony Clark, Cracked, Cracked Forums, Fiction, future, Malcolm, meme, Milhouse, Nedroid, Scripts, whimsy, Wikipedia

‘Dick Nukem’. ‘The Salisbury Cobra’. ‘Salchicha de la Muerte’.

These, and many more, are the names attributed to my junks. Once upon a time, my crotch rocket commanded not only the love and adoration of the people, but also the grudging respect of many elected officials. There were many who spoke in breathless whispers of my genitalia’s logic-defying, world-rocking abilities, and many more who pined after the merest glimpse of my man machine.

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Tags: dicks, Fiction, ladies, Malcolm, Scripts, unspeakable

So over in the Cracked forums, someone posted a link to this Reader’s Digest article, entitled “19 Ways To Enhance Your Sense of Humor.” It’s all well-meaning advice, and you could certainly do worse than following some of it, but for every piece of sound advisement there’s something like this:

“10. Spend 15 minutes a day having a giggling session. Here’s how you do it: You and another person (partner, kid, friend, etc.) lie on the floor with your head on her stomach, and her head on another person’s stomach and so on (the more people the better). The first person says, “Ha.” The next person says, “Ha-ha.” The third person says, “Ha-ha-ha.” And so on. We guarantee you’ll be laughing in no time.”

Michael and I, our senses of humour in desperate need of enhancement, decided to give some of their suggestions a try.  First, Michael fired up Photoshop and gave this suggestion a go:

“6. Sort through family photographs and write funny captions or one-liners to go with your favorites. When you need a pick-me-up, pull out the album.”

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Tags: Cracked, Cracked Forums, dicks, humour, Malcolm, Michael, photoshop, reader's digest, Scripts, terror