By Jeff Kelly

I’ll be the first to admit, I don’t know a lot about webcomics. I know what they are, of course, and I know that in many cases they revolve around misunderstandings that result in dark and often grotesque shenanigans. You know, sort of like your average episode of Everybody Loves Raymond. On crack. Dirty, tainted, acid laced crack.

So that’s basically where we stand on the whole webcomic issue. I will admit, I’ve thought about doing my own webcomic, because back in the day I enjoyed cartooning and I try on occasion to be somewhat humorous. Plus, I just feel like there are oodles of visual jokes that can be made about woodchucks chucking wood. Seriously, oodles.

Right around the time I was considering doing my own webcomic, Malcolm shot me an e-mail that consisted of, for the first time since I began writing for The Last Gaffe, an actual assignment.

“John,” the e-mail began, as Malcolm clearly seemed to have forgotten my name:

Leave it up to Malcolm to send an e-mail on parchment paper, right?

Despite the fact that he called me by two wrong names and seemed a little too fascinated by the fact that concoct sort of sounds like a slang word for penis, I thought it was a worthy endeavor, and something of particular interest due to the whole me wanting to do a webcomic thing. It was serendipity, only without John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale and with actual humor.

And then it happened. I began looking up some webcomics, and I realized, to my horror, that Malcolm was indeed a heartless, soulless, possibly sexless bastard. Ladies and gentlemen, I learned what many of you already know. Amateur webcomics fucking suck.

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Tags: DrunkDuck fucking sucks, Jeff, refreshingly tiny anime penises, Reviews, webcomics, webcomics fucking suck

By Erica Cantin

This past Christmas, my son received a Star Wars branded fishing pole from a relative. It was literally a small child-sized fishing pole with Darth Vader on the reel and R2D2 on a disk at the end of the line. It made no sense whatsoever. Even I, one who had never seen the trilogy before had a hunch that there was little to no fishing involved. Unless I was about to stumble upon a touching reconciliation-themed fishing trip between evil dark overlord and son, I’m pretty sure someone would have mentioned a desire to toss a line over the hull of the Millennium Falcon on their bucket list. But, as baffling as that toy is, I really dig it. The kids rarely pay attention to it, preferring instead the far more logical Spongebob fishing pole. That leaves me to absent-mindedly flick it across the room while sitting at the computer. I think it’s because the pole and I are a kindred spirit of sorts.

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Tags: darth vader, empire strikes back, Erica, exhaustion, fishing rod, Nonfiction, r2d2, really depressing pornography, Reviews, star wars, TLG news, vfs

By Jay Thomas

It may sound weird to some readers, but I haven’t listened to pop music since N*sync broke up. I shudder to think that there is a correlation there, but I digress.

"Music peaked with N*Sync" - TLG Contributor Jay Thomas

Don’t get me wrong, I still listen to the radio, but only for sports talk, because I’m a man. A man that loves sports and steak and boobies and any combination of those. But I prefer listening to uncensored, uninterrupted music on my mp3 player rather than going through the torture of local DJ’s and what I assume is shitty music. But that is really an unfair assessment. After all, how can I judge what I have not listened too? It is with that cavalier attitude that I resolved to listen to a few popular songs.

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Tags: 3oh!3, black-eyed peas, death is too good for Jay Thomas, fergie, Jay, Jay Thomas hates America, Jay Thomas is a Communist, lady gaga, music, Nonfiction, nsync, pitbull, Reviews

By Lucius Cambridge, PhD., Canadian Film Institute, on assignment in London, England

I am, was, a student of the dearly departed Dr. Albert Oxford. I was with him at the peak of Mount Everest when he tragically fell and careened off the rocks like a rag doll in the winter of 2007. Now that I have been acquitted of any wrong doing in my esteemed mentor’s tragic demise I can finally continue his work in the field of movie critique. And so I give to you the following.

50 Reasons The Star Trek Movie Sucks

1) Elves in space?

Elves have been popular ever since that dreadful “Lord” of the “Rings.” So this movie slaps on some elf ears to bring in the gay-elf loving crowd.

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Tags: absolute fact, Dr. Lucius Cambridge, Jonathan, no prevarications, this article has the complete support of The Last Gaffe and all of its financial backers, unvarnished truth

So, Daniel Dean of the Comic Book Closet put out a call for reviews of Watchmen. This isn’t the sort of thing I normally do; while it’s obvious that my opinion will now and forever be the only one that matters, I find it tiresome explaining that to people. However, I noticed that in his call Daniel failed to make any kind of specifications geared towards the tone, quality, focus, or seriousness of these reviews, and my interest was instantaneously piqued. It takes some serious balls to make that kind of pointed omission in a cattle call; specifically, serious balls that dangle tantalizingly around snap-kicking height.

I Googled "male crotch balls" without thinking of the consequences, and I just don't have the heart to inflict what I saw on the rest of you, so here are some Husky puppies instead.

With that out of the way, let’s get down to business! For the purposes of this review, I’m going to assume a few things:

- That you have read the graphic novel on which the film is based

- That you don’t care about spoilers, and

- That you are going to go somewhere else after reading this to get a serious, well-reasoned viewpoint, because you sure as fuck aren’t going to get that here.

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Tags: big blue dongs, comic books, Malcolm, Nonfiction, other sites, persistent virginity, Reviews