Archive for category Nonfiction

6 Brilliant-But-Cancelled Geek Comedies

By Daniel Dean

Every show is somebody’s favorite. I’m not just talking about the Sopranos or Cheers. I’m sure that somewhere out there is a Pink Lady and Jeff fan holding out for a miracle. When a network cancels a show it might be due to low ratings, public outrage, lack of sponsors, or other budgetary concerns. Maybe Bernie Mac died. The point is that usually we, the viewing public, know how the game is played so we learn to live with it.

That’s not always the case. Sometimes a show is cut down in its prime or before it even had a chance. In honor of the not-entirely-recent release of the complete Andy Richter Controls the Universe on DVD (including unaired episodes) I thought it would be a good idea to look at some comedy series that suffered that ignominy. This is by no means a complete list or even a complete list of our favorite canceled comedies but rather an ode to a few shows that don’t get enough love (and a couple that simply can’t get enough love.)

Right off the bat let me just say that we of TLG give special lifetime achievement recognition in the history of canned programs to Judd Apatow and Bryan Fuller. Freaks and Geeks, Dead Like Me, Undeclared, Pushing Daisies: these shows all had their own online petitions to “Save Our Show!” and complimentary pull-quotes etched on their tombstones. If we didn’t make this one entry it would be the whole article.

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A Comment Complaint

Dear Anonymous Person Who Continually Breaks My Heart,

Hi, my name is Jeff and I’d like to talk to you about something.  No, not diabetes, that’s Brimley’s domain.  I’ve been writing for The Last Gaffe for a few months now, contributing articles here and there in addition to my occasional articles over at Cracked.  I read the fine work of my fellow Gaffers (except for Malcolm, of course) and, when their articles are submitted, I Digg them (again, apart from Malcolm).  I mean, I Digg the shit out of them.

I think it’s important to give and receive feedback on articles.  Good or bad, at least then you know that you’ve really touched the two or three people who have stumbled across the words you’ve put to paper (figuratively of course, since paper is zooming toward obsolete status with each passing day, sort of like video tapes and Canadians).  That’s how a writer grows, by reading the praise heaped upon him or herself and completely ignoring any criticisms or insults.

Should I?  Nah, too easy.

Should I? Nah, too easy.

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Textual Relations

Truth be told, I merely wuv texting.

Truth be told, I merely 'wuv' texting.

Disclaimer: All horrible text messages are entirely SIC, all spelling and grammatical errors have been left intact. I have not changed any names to protect the innocent; however, I have not changed my own name so who will protect me from the innocent?

Very recently I changed my phone number. Not because I meant to, but because the employees of Alltel are hilariously incompetent and couldn’t understand what I meant by wanting to renew an already existing contract and instead signed me up for an entirely new contract.

I soon discovered that the previous owner of my phone number was a rather popular person who apparently didn’t like her old friends enough to inform them of his/her new number.

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Mickbusters: Investigating The Drunken Irish Stereotype

Ah, St. Patrick’s Day. The holiday that we like to forget is named in honor of the patron saint of Ireland who supposedly lead all of the snakes out of Ireland despite the pesky little fact that there weren’t any there to begin with, and just get piss drunk and headbutt complete strangers. The wearing of a Boston Celtics t-shirt is optional.

The patron saint of getting bombed in Beantown.

The patron saint of getting bombed in Beantown.

Wait, what? Drunk? Brawling? Are these the things we want to associate with the great island nation of Ireland? Apparently, the answer is yes. The drunken, brawling stereotype of Irishmen has long been perpetuated in literature, song, film and television. But where does it come from?

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Michael’s Unintentionally Homoerotic Adventures at the YMCA‏

My job has essentially been the same for four years now, I sit on a chair for 8 hours in front of a computer eating Chex Mix and drinking Mountain Dew. I also turned 21 sometime during my employment and I began living on nothing more than Chex Mix and beer while at home. That’s also not to mention Filth I have put in my body for this very website (Now you got a lawsuit on your hands, Malcolm.). Needless to say, I am not in the best shape, and I have recently found myself gasping for air after menial tasks like bringing the mail in and climbing into bed.

So I discussed the possibility of getting a membership to our local YMCA with my wife, the conversation went something like this:

Me: It seems I’m a little out of shape…

My Wife: Yes you are.

Me: Well, I was about to say maybe I should get a membersh…

My Wife: Yes you should.

Above: Everything I need to enjoy.

Above: Everything I need to enjoy.

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My Rambling, Juvenile Watchmen “Review”

So, Daniel Dean of the Comic Book Closet put out a call for reviews of Watchmen. This isn’t the sort of thing I normally do; while it’s obvious that my opinion will now and forever be the only one that matters, I find it tiresome explaining that to people. However, I noticed that in his call Daniel failed to make any kind of specifications geared towards the tone, quality, focus, or seriousness of these reviews, and my interest was instantaneously piqued. It takes some serious balls to make that kind of pointed omission in a cattle call; specifically, serious balls that dangle tantalizingly around snap-kicking height.

I Googled male crotch balls without thinking of the consequences, and I just dont have the heart to inflict what I saw on the rest of you, so here are some Husky puppies instead.

I Googled "male crotch balls" without thinking of the consequences, and I just don't have the heart to inflict what I saw on the rest of you, so here are some Husky puppies instead.

With that out of the way, let’s get down to business! For the purposes of this review, I’m going to assume a few things:

- That you have read the graphic novel on which the film is based

- That you don’t care about spoilers, and

- That you are going to go somewhere else after reading this to get a serious, well-reasoned viewpoint, because you sure as fuck aren’t going to get that here.

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Four Movie Presidents Who Would Never Get Re-Elected

Last November, the US made a giant social leap forward with the landslide election of Barack Obama. People wanted a change, and so far…well, change takes time. But that’s neither here nor there.

The fact remains that we still live in uncertain times, and more and more of us are being forced to sell ourselves on the street in order to simply pay our bills. In these trying times, we look to our leaders to guide us through to better days. At the end of the day, at least we can all take solace in the fact that we won’t have to rely on these fictional presidents, none of whom would ever get re-elected…

Billy Bob Thornton as The U.S. President (Love Actually)

Suck my dick, England.

"Suck my dick, England."

How He Fucked Up

For years, the US and England were like bickering siblings, and like many brothers who grew up hating each other and beating each other up, they gradually grew to be great friends. And then, a U.S. president like the one portrayed by Billy Bob comes along and fucks everything up because he decides he wants his older brother’s new woman. And then you know shit is on!

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A New Hope For Nerdosity: Erica Finally Watches Star Wars

Out of the many movies that get a shocked reaction from people when I confess I’ve never seen them- Top Gun, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, Citizen Kane- Star Wars is usually the most jaw-dropping.

Now, don’t get me wrong.   I’m pretty nerdy.   I was in band in high school (First Chair Trumpet players holla) and played Dungeons and Dragons pretty regularly for a couple of years.  I’m pasty, white, and just overweight enough to qualify for the Dork Olympics, but it’s the lack of tar Wars trivia knowledge that keeps me out of the trials.  Recently I decided that it was time to finally lose my Star Wars virginity, and as any planned virginity loss calls for, I bought champagne.

Ill be the first to admit that I got a little carried away.

I'll be the first to admit that I got a little carried away.

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Anatomy Of A Failed Article

I don’t have a deadline, technically.  Rather, I have a sinking, depressed feeling as the end of the month draws nearer and I realize The Last Gaffe will have gone nearly a month without my wit, charm and pictures of me eating things (next month I plan to write an article about eating an entire wedding cake by myself.)  It is now nearly two weeks after the beginning of the month and Malcolm is threatening to kidnap and kill my Tamagotchi if I don’t deliver an article, the problem?  My article failed.

I wont let the bad man take you, Tamagotchi.

I won't let the bad man take you, Tamagotchi.

The development of my article didn’t begin until the last week of January when I began to get that sinking, depressed feeling again.  I desperately ransacked my old blogs to see if I had written anything funny in the past that I could use, but unfortunately Malcolm (A.K.A. Captain Hardass M.D.) didn’t think poetry dedicated to the cute girl who doesn’t even know I exist and long, depressing posts about how lonely Boulevard of Broken Dreams makes me feel were up to par for The Last Gaffe.   “Good Lord!” I told him, “You let a woman and an Irishman write for you, don’t talk to me about standards!”

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