(Alternative Title: SECOND-BEST AT WHAT HE DOES)

What can we say about Wolverine that hasn’t been poorly spelled in all-caps before? He’s Marvel’s most bankable mutant and currently appears in about every third comic Marvel publishes. They have even taken to specifically labeling comics which don’t have Wolverine on them. Yes, seriously.

Use these to recognize the increasingly-rare Wolverine-free Marvel titles!

In the comics Wolverine seems aware of his best-selling status, missing no opportunity to talk down to his teammates and trash-talk his enemies, generally glowering at everything and wishing he could fuck a dead woman. This would all-be par for the course in comics but, dammit, he’s just so cocky about it, as are his fans. Well I say we take Wolverine at his word and see whether he really is the best there is at what he does.

What exactly is it that Wolverine does, you ask? Let’s check his stats:

KILLING

Want context? Purchase "The Dark Phoenix Saga" trade paperback and hold on to your balls.

One thing that always drew fans to Wolverine was how lethal he was. Banshee would yell at you, Cyclops would look at you, Professor X would make you think bad thoughts, but Wolverine… he will stab you. As time went on this aspect of Wolverine’s character was played up more heavily as fans couldn’t seem to get enough of Wolverine losing his shit and killing a room full of dudes. One of the things that catapulted Wolverine to fan-favorite status was him cutting up an entire building of dudes after getting left for dead in the sewers.

GRADE: B-

Apart from cannon-fodder henchmen, Wolverine really hasn’t killed as many people as you would think. Of those he has killed many of them really had it a long time coming, so the whole “loose cannon” angle just doesn’t work. He probably would have scored higher if not for the fact that he has failed to kill so many of his arch enemies when killing people is his whole deal (see below.)

HEAD OF THE CLASS: TOMMY MONAGHAN

I could have said “The Punisher” because both of them have pretty impressive body counts but A) the Punisher didn’t really start killing a lot of guys for a long time (since he was a Spider-Man character and mostly hung around threateningly) and B) Tommy Monaghan killed a shitload of guys in way fewer issues than the Punisher ever did. Still, both characters held mainstream titles and killed way more people than Wolverine ever did. For those unfamiliar with him, Tommy Monaghan starred in DC comics’ Hitman by future Punisher scribe Garth Ennis and his book was pretty righteously funny in its own right, which earns him some extra credit.

ADAMANTIUM

HRRRRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNNNGH

Wolverine’s bones are coated with an alloy called adamantium, an ultra-dense material that is virtually indestructible once it solidifies. This means two things: he can withstand an astounding amount of punishment and his claws can cut through damn near anything. This does make for some cool moments and lets him go toe to toe with people like the Hulk or giant robots. (If you’ve ever seen the X-Men fight Sentinels you know that the whole team is over in one panel attacking one’s foot while Wolverine cuts off like four of their heads in the rest of the page.) For years the exact process and origin behind Wolverine’s adamantium was unknown since its creation was a state-protected secret.

GRADE: C

Wolverine’s adamantium is great and all, but he could withstand massive punishment without it (see below,) so it’s not strictly necessary. It’s also a bad idea to have a metal skeleton when the supervillain you fight every goddamn Tuesday has magnetic powers. Magneto finally wised up after 20 years of Wolverine’s bullshit and extracted the adamantium from his skeleton in the form of little sperms.

"Okay, I'll be the first to admit that I didn't really think this AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH"

It was at that point that it was revealed that Wolverine didn’t even need adamantium claws since he’d had big bone claws the whole time which could still cut through the side of a bus. (Kids! This is not how science works; no matter how sharp I carve a stick of butter it is not going to slice through a piece of construction paper.)

Moreover, the mystery and uniqueness of adamantium was a bit dulled by the fact that over time everybody got themselves some adamantium, even Wolverine’s old enemy Sabretooth. Bullseye has an adamantium spine. Doctor Octopus had some adamantium arms. Doctor Doom made some adamantium armor. Marvel’s mafia families have adamanium robot bodyguards. Wolverine’s vengeful ex and even his bastard son got their hands on some adamantium. I think even Gambit had an adamantium stick now. Gambit. Jesus.

HEAD OF THE CLASS: ULTRON

The very first Ultron resembled the Fruit Fucker from Penny Arcade but it wouldn’t be long before he upgraded and the Avengers had to deal with an entire killer robot made of adamantium who also shot face lasers and had an army of lesser robots. It bears repeating that he shoots death lasers out of his face. The height of Ultron’s being-awesomeness was when he built a metric shitload of copies of himself out of adamantium and basically marched across the entire fakey country of Slorenia and burned it to the ground. Oh, he also sort of took over space a little. Eat a dick, Wolverine.

SUPER POWERS

"Hey guys, I found some bullets."

Wolverine’s super powers include a super-fast healing ability and heightened senses. That means that writers can have him do all the bad-ass action hero stuff in the world and have an excuse for it. How did he know that ninja was right behind him? Oh, right, super-smelling. Did he just jump out of a plane without a parachute? Oh, right, regeneration. If you watched the X-Men cartoon in the 90’s you know that the infected Wolverine with the Legacy Virus (a flimsy analogue for AIDS,) and cured it with his hyper-immune system’s antibodies. They never tried that in the comics though because none of your damn business, that’s why!

GRADE: C-

Wolverine’s regeneration isn’t as common in comics as, say, super-strength or wearing nothing but panties and calling it a battle suit but he’s neither unique or the first in making regeneration his whole deal. The whole point of the Spider-Man villain the Lizard was that his origin had him regenerating a whole god-damned arm before he even got turned into Crocodile Dundee’s arch nemesis. Not only that but Wolverine’s first opponents — the Hulk and Wendigo — also have healing factors, as does his arch-enemy Sabretooth. And Wolverine’s other enemies, Bloodscream and Cyber and Omega Red. Deadpool has a synthetic healing factor based off of Wolverine’s. The fucking Green Goblin has a healing factor, as does Doomsday (the guy who killed Superman a little,) and a random ass cop in the pages of Flash. Oh, and the cheerleader. Even Hawkman has a healing factor these days. You’re as cool as Hawkman, Wolverine.

As for the super-duper senses: A) that’s Daredevil’s whole deal, B) half the people listed above also have that, C) Superman owns them all.

HEAD OF THE CLASS: LOBO

Lobo (the version of Lobo that caught on, at least,) was an indictment of the over-the-top gruffness and violence that defined characters like Wolverine and the Punisher. He was so over-the-top, in fact, that people fell unironically in love with him and supported him in a whole series. Lobo has super-senses as well, not that he needs them. His healing abilities are so powerful that he can re-grow a body after his head has been severed. If completely disintegrated, a new Lobo will still regenerate out of a drop of blood. Add to that the fact that he’s effectively immortal since both Heaven and Hell have literally kicked him out, and Wolverine looks like a pussy boy in comparison (though to be fair, Clint Eastwood riding a grizzly bear looks pretty sissy next to Lobo.)

BEING A DANGEROUS LONER

If there’s one thing that fans associate with Wolverine above all else it’s the attitude of the dangerous loner. Why does Jean fall for the pint-sized furball? Girls love a troubled bad-boy. If there’s something to be done Wolverine is ready to do it himself and the hell with all your regulations, Lieutenant! When a naked man is chasing a woman through an alley with a butcher knife and a hard-on, I figure he isn’t out collecting for the Red Cross, Bub! SNIKT!

GRADE: F

Wolverine’s big break was as the irascibly surly guy on the All-New, All-Different X-Men, where it was revealed that he had previously been a part of Alpha Flight, prior to which he was a member of the Weapon X program and part of Canadian Special Forces (they’re the branch of the Canadian military who’re allowed to use the one tank, provided they pay for gas out of their own pockets.) Since then he’s been a member of the Avengers, the Fantastic Four, the Secret Defenders, X-Force… there’s really no group of idiots that Wolverine won’t hang around while complaining about being a grizzled loner. This is without even mentioning the fact that he apparently collects mutant jailbait sidekicks: first Sprite, then Jubilee, and now he’s got characters named Pixie and Armor under his hairy, surly wing. Yes, the names are getting slightly less terrible as time passes, but the bottom line is still that Wolverine is more or less the world’s angriest babysitter.

The funny thing is, he’s not even the best at being bad at being a grizzled loner, an honor which we all know belongs to Batman; never minding the Justice League, the Outsiders (his own super-team), and a seemingly never ending parade of Gotham vigilantes who operate under his watch… at this point there have been five different Robins.

"Can we make this fight quick? Robin 8 gets colicky if I don't read to him before beddy-byes."

HEAD OF THE CLASS: DEADPOOL

Wade Wilson’s affiliation with the Weapon X program was the last time he was a part of anything except for a passing camaraderie with professional super-villains and a shape-shifting ex-girlfriend. Sure, he tried to bang some jailbait member of X-Force and was occasionally pressed into service by an even badder villain here and there but always for a lark, always as a gag. The only people Deadpool regularly associated with were hostages. The closest thing he has to a friend is the murderous psychopath Bullseye, and even that relationship involves them trying to kill one another half the time. The only real way you can get Deadpool to hang out with you is to pay him lots of money, and even then he’ll probably spend the whole time insulting you and might set fire to the dog.

LOVE

Wolverine has banged a lot of chicks. Most of these chicks have been Asian, redheaded, super-heroes, super-villains, or some combination of the two. He’s been married a couple of times and even fathered a couple of children (one of them with a cave-woman. Yes, that’s true.) He even has a sort of “just friends” relationship with Daredevil’s main squeeze, Elektra, which may in fact be “friends with benefits.” Most famously, Wolverine has repeatedly acted as the third side of a romantic triangle with teammates Cyclops and Jean Grey. Even after the two were married Wolverine still kept at it and teases of the two kissing or having a relationship were constant. If you’ve read any straight X-Men fanfiction online it probably involved Jean and Logan fucking.

What? Don’t look at me like that, you bastards.

GRADE: D

First off, in Marvel’s Ultimate X-Men title Wolverine did finally nail Jean Grey… when she was jailbait. Neat, huh?

The other thing you have to realize is that a lot of the women Wolverine has been with over the years have sort of died or tried to kill him or both. This is because they usually get abused, thrown over, abandoned, killed, sent to hell… bad times, basically. One joined a terrorist group. One shoved giant metal spikes into her fingers and led an army of cyborgs. It takes a hell of a lot of scorn to drive a woman to that. If you think dealing with the hair he leaves on the soap is the worst thing about knocking boots with Wolverine, think again. Wolverine doesn’t protect his girlfriends for shit.

One of them even died from blowfish toxin poisoning, like Homer Simpson almost did that one time.

HEAD OF THE CLASS: TOM STRONG

Created by Alan Moore as a sort of Doc Savage-Captain Marvel pastiche, Tom Strong doesn’t look a day over 38 even at 108 years old, which means he got some seventy solid years of crazy sex with his wife, who kind of was a princess. Together they stopped robot people and alien invasions and total craziness and managed to raise a teenage daughter for sixty years. So, like a lot of Alan Moore comics, it runs on its own little put-put logic engine. If you buy that, though, Tom isn’t exactly a player or a cooze-hound but he does run a loving home in spite of absolute craziness and keeps his loved ones safe, at least. Plus he was raped by a Nazi superwoman in his sleep. I think we’ve all had dreams like that after watching Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS.

Then again, if we’re rating on a strict cooze-hound scale then Wolverine still loses out to a lot of characters, especially Jack Horner from DC’s Fables. Yes, the same Jack Horner who sat in a corner, jumped over candlesticks, and fought giants. In this comic he gets more pussy than some sort of Hugh Hefner-Wilt Chamberlain cyborg which makes up for nursery rhymes being the second lamest form of expression… right below Hallmark cards and right above Uwe Boll movies.

STYLE

Wolverine’s blue and yellow spandex isn’t entirely intimidating, and is hardly the best superhero costume out there. There are also more than a few people who thought it was a little gay. In fact Frank Quietly, artist of the Authority and JLA, has said almost that exact thing on more than one occasion.

GRADE: F

When Quietly got the job of redesigning the X-Men, he set out to make Wolverine look absolutely not gay at all. Not. Gay. At. All. So he designed this:

Whoa. Um. Geez.

HEAD OF THE CLASS: JUST ABOUT GODDAMNED EVERYBODY

Even the superheroes who look more than a little gay are still better designed than… this. Not to mention even his original costume has always been kind of arbitrary, like many of the X-Men. Then of course there’s his hair…

SMOKING

Anybody who grew up reading Marvel comics knows that Wolverine is rarely without a nice big stogie in his mouth. His healing powers mean that he never has to worry about cancer or, hell, probably even yellowing teeth.

GRADE: F

As per an official policy put in place by current Editor-In-Chief Joe Quesada, Wolverine can’t smoke. He can never smoke. Neither can Nick Fury or the Thing or anybody else who smokes… all people whose unique physiology makes smoking not a problem. But no superheroes can smoke. Because smoking is evil. Only supervillains can smoke. This is a rule.

HEAD OF THE CLASS: HELLBOY

Hellboy’s love of cigars has crossed from comics to film to even direct-to-DVD cartoons. Before a film was even a remote possibility, Hellboy had his own cigarette lighter. These days he has like eight. Wolverine, by comparison, appears on candy cigarette packages. Only they don’t call them candy cigarettes: they call them “candy sticks.”

If you want to see Daniel talk a lot more about comics, a good place to do this is over at his blog, the Comic Book Closet.

Every show is somebody’s favorite. I’m not just talking about the Sopranos or Cheers. I’m sure that somewhere out there is a Pink Lady and Jeff fan holding out for a miracle. When a network cancels a show it might be due to low ratings, public outrage, lack of sponsors, or other budgetary concerns. Maybe Bernie Mac died. The point is that usually we, the viewing public, know how the game is played so we learn to live with it.

That’s not always the case. Sometimes a show is cut down in its prime or before it even had a chance. In honor of the not-entirely-recent release of the complete Andy Richter Controls the Universe on DVD (including unaired episodes) I thought it would be a good idea to look at some comedy series that suffered that ignominy. This is by no means a complete list or even a complete list of our favorite canceled comedies but rather an ode to a few shows that don’t get enough love (and a couple that simply can’t get enough love.)

Right off the bat let me just say that we of TLG give special lifetime achievement recognition in the history of canned programs to Judd Apatow and Bryan Fuller. Freaks and Geeks, Dead Like Me, Undeclared, Pushing Daisies: these shows all had their own online petitions to “Save Our Show!” and complimentary pull-quotes etched on their tombstones. If we didn’t make this one entry it would be the whole article.

#1. Arrested Development

Arrested Development is kind of the patron saint of canceled comedy although, to be fair, the network did support an extended run of the show even though the ratings didn’t justify it. That way they could wave their critical acclaim banners and loudly cheer, “See? Not everything on FOX is righteous suck!” Like most of the shows on this list, this one had a rabid internet following so I don’t think much of a plot recap is necessary: Jeffrey Tambor goes to prison and Jason Bateman is left “in charge” of a misanthropic, entitled family of social mutants. The comedy alternated between dumb jokes presented intelligently and wry satire delivered broadly, providing a perfect mix of ha-ha sensibilities.

Why It Was Shitcanned

First it was removed from the schedule to make room for the return of Family Guy with networks citing expectations of savage sweeps numbers for AD. You could argue they were trying to save the show but in context of the network’s other actions this looks more like short-changing a cult comedy series for the benefit of promoting the crap out of some newer program, a lesson you think they would have learned with FAMILY GUY, a show they had previously canceled and only brought back on the strength of DVD sales and rerun ratings on Adult Swim.

NOTE TO FAMILY GUYS FANS: Family Guy does not actually appear in this article. Please return to your daily routines of quoting Stewie ad nauseum.

FOX let the show die slowly, though, as something of an appeasement to fans. They brought AD back for a third season all right… opposite Monday Night Football for half the country. As one might guess, the ratings were even poorer this time around. FOX cut their order for the season from 22 episodes to 13, airing the final four episodes as a cobbled-together Not-Really-Series-Finale, which they then scheduled opposite the opening ceremonies for the 2006 Winter Olympics. In short, though it wasn’t as dramatic a cut as some on this list and though it survived stays of execution, when the time to cut AD came FOX did it Keyser-Soze-style.

Silver Lining

In addition to the DVDs, an Arrested Development movie is promised. Unless plagues of locusts eat the work print or something, which I’m not prepared to rule out.

#2. The Tick

The Tick comic book was a madcap superhero parody published by New England Comics which, although only lasting twelve issues, gained a large cult following. The Tick cartoon by Saban made Saturday mornings worth living for. The Tick live action series was, well, considerably different (but still funny.) Unable to have as much physical comedy and zany adventures (due to budgetary constraints) the show relied more on innuendo, puns, and satire. Nevertheless the show had a lot of promise.

Why It Was Shitcanned

The Tick had one foot in the grave before the pilot even aired because, for starters, they decided to air the pilot, the weakest of the shows produced (though built on a sound concept: Tick is tricked into leaving the bus stop he has sworn to protect by bus stop employees, saves city and President from robot.) The show was also slotted as a mid-season replacement meaning that if it took off, great. If not, the studio wasn’t going to shed any tears.

Well, except for this guy, maybe.

The show was under-promoted and had its schedule swapped around, moving time slots and nights and being pre-empted for weeks on end. Unable to find an audience (no fucking shit, the audience wasn’t able to find the show,) the series was canceled before all the ordered episodes had aired (because Fox was counting the pilot in their airing schedule; see also Dollhouse.) That means that by the time the show’s tie-in action figures made it to stores there was no show to cross-promote them (see also BraveStarr.)

Silver Lining

Thank you, DVD, for making us laugh about love… again. In addition, Ben Edlund (creator of the Tick and one of the driving forces behind the show) has moved on to Joss Whedon’s production company where he worked on also-canceled shows Angel (ouch) and Firefly (double ouch.) Today he writes for Supernatural, among other things, a show which is… well, not entirely unwatchable is perhaps the most honest endorsement…

#3. The Xtacles/Frisky Dingo

Frisky Dingo was one of Adult Swim’s eleven-minute marvels. Unique among Williams Street fare, consequences and plot lines carried over from episode to episode, making each season something of a saga. The writing was rich with wit and verve and lovingly skewered pop culture without referencing old video games and DuckTales with every third line of dialogue. It revolved largely around a supervillain named Killface, a small businessman and single father trying to provide a loving home life for his son while trying diligently to drive the Earth into the sun with his doomsday device. Killface’s comic foil was his ostensible arch-enemy and sometime best friend Xander Crews, also the superhero Awesome X.

So awesome that you're probably gonna go blind.

With a rich ensemble cast (including rapper Killer Mike) and increasingly batshit storylines the show managed to stay fresh through the end of the second season. Like the first season, the second ended with a cliffhanger and set up a third season/spinoff, the Xtacles, focusing on Awesome X’s Stormtrooper-esque sidekicks.

Why It Was Shitcanned

7030, the animation studio producing the show, closed its doors in the middle of production for as-yet-undisclosed reasons (presumably financial) and Adult Swim announced that the Xtacles would be canceled with the second episode. This news came just days after the release of the Season 2 DVD, meaning the Xtacles episodes produced are lost to the ages (and probably TiVo.)

Silver Lining

There’s not much of one, except that some of the 7030 crew are currently working on a show for the FX network.

#4. The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr.

To much of the internet, Bruce Campbell is a golden god who can do no wrong, a reputation earned through his appearance in genre-mixing cult fare with a strong sense of humor and a lot of physical comedy (oh, and the fact that people are usually high when they watch his movies.) That same description sums up The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr. perfectly. A wild west romp with some sci-fi trappings (much like the television show Wild Wild West before it) the show has plenty of opportunity for Campbell to show off his physical prowess in bar brawls and pratfalls, with the tone of the humor hovering somewhere between Indiana Jones and Blazing Saddles. All this only months after the release of Army of Darkness? Awesome.

ABOVE: Bruce Cambell, sitting down to breakfast.

Why It Was Shitcanned

For its entire life the show ran on Friday, which is pretty much instant death for any show as Friday and Saturday night ratings are and have always been abysmal. Shows which premiere on or are moved to Friday or Saturday nights are pretty much resigned to the grave before the first commercial break.

Something that certainly didn’t help was the fact that there were almost no other westerns on television in 1993. In fact there was only one other western of consequence on television, also in a death slot: Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. This aired Saturday nights and hoped to draw much the same audience as Brisco County Jr. did. However, Dr. Quinn’s audience ended up being mostly old fuddy-duddies. The image that much of the public had of the show was that it was something your grandma watched if she couldn’t work the VCR to tape Murder She Wrote episodes and that attitude tainted Brisco County Jr. as well.

Silver Lining

Again, the complete series is now on DVD. In addition, Bruce is currently on USA’s Burn Notice, a witty and sharp show that also suffers from a bit of an image problem. It’s still pretty great, and as a cable original the expectations for its ratings are lower so it takes fewer viewers to succeed.

#5. Mystery Science Theater 3000

MST3K and the internet are practically synonymous so I wouldn’t guess I’d need explain the show, but since it has been off the air for ten years now: a man and two puppets make fun of terrible movies and break up the monotony with sketch comedy. Trust me, it’s better than it sounds. Brainchild of Joel Hodgeson, the series was spirited away from a UHF station in Minnesota to national cable broadcast on the fledgling Comedy Channel, now Comedy Central. The show moved to the Sci-Fi Channel (now Syfy, pronounced “Syfy”) in 1996 and, all told, lasted 10 years and 10 seasons, which is as long as The Twilight Zone, The Outer Limits, and Night Gallery combined.

Why It Was Shitcanned

Comedy Central originally canceled it because, well, it was just about the only original program on their schedule. South Park was still a year away and they were doing just fine running stand-up and old reruns of Soap, the soap opera parody show where Billy Crystal played the multiple personality gay elderly Jew. The show had always taken potshots at Comedy Central itself and gossip suggests the network got tired of it. No big deal, right? Sci-Fi Channel to the rescue!

Or not. The show’s scheduling made it difficult to catch since it was a Saturday show played at different times in the morning, afternoon, or late at night depending on the whims of the scheduling body. What’s more, in an attempt to try and develop more of a fan base for the show Sci-Fi had the writers come up with a stronger story arc that carried over from episode to episode, season to season. Far from engendering Lost-style devotion, some fans found it alienating since the shows were only shown in order as the premiered and then never again, an issue still present on the DVD releases. Ergo, if you tuned in one week ancillary characters Pearl and Observer might be trying to rescue Professor Bobo from his own stupidity in ancient Rome while the next week’s episode has the Observer’s people threatening to dissect everyone with no transition or explanation.

It'd be pretty funny if those episodes HAD logically followed each other, though. In a way. I guess.

Ultimately, though, while the show’s ratings were decent (for Sci-Fi Channel anyhow) the company line at the time of cancelation was an ‘inability to secure advertisers’ which is a little evident in later episodes where every commercial break brought about a plea from Dial soap (soap again!)

Silver Lining

Everybody involved in the show has moved on to other projects, including RiffTrax and Cinematic Titanic which also involve the writers sitting around and making fun of bad movies. Since tape trading was a big part of MST3K fandom all of the old episodes are still around and most of them are online in some form, meaning that if you’re a dirty fucking thief you could torrent them (The Last Gaffe does not endorse torrenting MST3K and certainly doesn’t endorse covering big-tittied cheerleaders in whipped cream.)

#6. Futurama

In 1998 I said to a friend of mine, “I don’t care if Matt Groening is doing it, there is no way anything called Futurama will ever be watchable.” Saying something like that today could get me killed in certain parts of the country. Futurama was about everything else as much as it was also about a delivery boy from the 20th century who awoke in the 31st. With a strong stable of writers and less family-oriented stories and gags, Futurama drank deep of the sci-fi and pop culture spoof well. Spaceballs deep. The story of how it met its end is less convoluted than the other entries on this list but I would be kicked out of the internet if I didn’t mention it.

Why It Was Shitcanned

Remember how when The Simpsons or South Park premiered family activist groups started worrying that every child was going to become a delinquent because of what they saw on television? That didn’t happen with Futurama because kids weren’t watching it. A lot of adults weren’t, either. Futurama’s core audience ranged from pop-savvy teens to developmentally-stunted middle-aged fanboys, a far narrower demographic than what The Simpsons was shooting for, which was “everyone.” Though it initially out-performed King of the Hill on a regular basis the ratings tapered off slowly but steadily.

That being said, there are shows about bark mulch more entertaining than King of the Hill.

The old problem of shifting nights didn’t help much and by its fourth season the show was airing irregularly, constantly pre-empted for sporting events. The fifth season was mostly composed of episodes Fox just hadn’t bothered airing from seasons three and four. Futurama was never outright canceled; instead, Fox just let it die on its own and quietly stopped ordering episodes, making the end of Futurama even sadder.

Silver Lining

The show did well in reruns on Adult Swim and when their contract ran out Comedy Central came calling. As an incentive to pick up the show it was suggested that a new sixth season might exist, which was made up of cut-down versions of four direct-to-DVD movies. This “sixth season” has done moderately well on Comedy Central and Futurama airs damn near every night.

Additionally, bolstered by the earnings of The Simpsons Movie, Groening and co. have even suggested the possibility of a theatrical feature if interest appears strong enough. This is surely the gravest issue facing our nation and I’ve no doubt that President Obama is working tirelessly toward this goal.

The fact remains that we still live in uncertain times, and more and more of us are being forced to sell ourselves on the street in order to simply pay our bills. In these trying times, we look to our leaders to guide us through to better days. At the end of the day, at least we can all take solace in the fact that we won’t have to rely on these fictional presidents, none of whom would ever get re-elected…

Billy Bob Thornton as The U.S. President (Love Actually)

"Suck my dick, England."

How He Fucked Up

For years, the US and England were like bickering siblings, and like many brothers who grew up hating each other and beating each other up, they gradually grew to be great friends. And then, a U.S. president like the one portrayed by Billy Bob comes along and fucks everything up because he decides he wants his older brother’s new woman. And then you know shit is on!

Why He’d Never Get Re-Elected

From his disconcerting “low talking”, to the creepy way he leers at women and the overall lack of tact, it’s a wonder he was ever elected in the first place. We’re a bit baffled that someone could have actually won on a platform of “Show me them titties!”

In a single trip to London he managed to:

- Bully the British government to the point where they were forced to actually grow a pair,

- Acted like such a dick that he very well may have single-handedly shattered one of the countries’ oldest alliances, and

- Raised serious doubt as to whether the two nations could possibly remain BFF.

To make matters worse, within seconds of Prime Minister Hugh Grant leaving the room he began forcing himself on a defenseless Monica Lewinski-lookalike, showing even less restraint than Bill Clinton at Hooters.

"What's this supposed to be, some sort of heartwarming seasonal comedy about life and love? Fuck that, get those titties out!"

What He Should Have Done Instead

With the world climate seeing a whole shitload of people turning on the United States and deeming it a nation full of assholes, he may have been better served to acquiesce to a few of the Prime Minister’s requests, which we assume consisted of getting Harry Potter a star on the Walk of Fame, maybe a deal on toothpaste and almost certainly “don’t touch my woman.”

After all, it doesn’t make a ton of sense to tell your oldest and best friend that you don’t really give a shit what he thinks and then try to steal his woman, which is precisely what President Billy Bob did. It might also help if he didn’t look like Billy Bob Thornton.

"Ha ha, yeah, that's great. Seriously though, fish out them titties."

At the very least, he could have attempted to keep his dick at bay when he encountered the Prime Minister’s love interest for the sake of the U.S./U.K. alliance. Hadn’t anyone ever taught him the time-honored foreign policy of “bros before hoes?”

Tommy ‘Tiny’ Lister as United Federation President Lindberg (The 5th Element)

Lister showing off his acting range by demonstrating the hard-to-pull-off facial expression denoting "I am about to poop myself."

How He Fucked Up

When a noted expert who you yourself called in to advise you in a troubling situation tells you maybe, just maybe, it’s not such a good idea to provoke the massive, ancient blob of universe-devouring evil, you might want to listen. Just sayin’.

Why He’d Never Get Re-Elected

To his credit, Lister does a great job of portraying the way a cross-eyed former wrestler elected to public office might handle a difficult situation. When confronted with the strange phenomenon of a big ol’ confusing thing that seems to be made of spreading darkness, President Lindberg calls in High Priest Vito Cornelius (Ian Holm) for a consult, hobbits being respected authorities on big balls of inky nothingness.

Cornelius tells Lindberg that the blackness is seriously bad juju and that the very last thing Lindberg should do is fuck with it. Lindberg thanks Cornelius for his frankness, and with his next breath gives the order to fuck with the blackness like it was going out of style.

Okay, so we totally get the concept of fearing what we don’t understand. We get it, we really do. Strange things are scary, and we just want them go to away. Kind of like Alexis Arquette. However, at some point you have to stop and consider whether or not lashing out due to fear is a wise course of action, especially when what you’re afraid of is the physical incarnation of the concept of evil (whoa, that’s deep.) We’re thinking that in that case, maybe it’s not such a good idea to shoot first and ask questions later.

After screwing the pooch by ignoring the priest (who we’d like to remind you was present both as an advisor and as a freakin’ expert on the phenomenon,) and launching an ill-fated attack on evil, the president does the only thing he can think of: he enlists a cab driver to save the universe. Because nothing makes us feel safer than knowing our lives are in the hands of someone like Judd Hirsch.

Okay, so it could have been worse.

What He Should Have Done Instead

What the hell is the point of having advisors if you’re just going to ignore them and do what you want anyway? What’s the point of having experts around to tell you what you should and shouldn’t do, and how royally screwed you’d be if you don’t listen to their counsel, if you’re not planning on doing the actual listening?

While we fully understand how a president might feel safe putting his life in the hands of Bruce Willis, we find it shocking to believe that there was no one, let alone an entire tactical team with big futuristic weapons, who could be trusted to protect Milla Jovovich and her ridiculously annoying alien language.

Oh yeah, this has gotta work.

And another thing: if your only hope of saving the universe is a scantily clad and underfed alien, you may want to concoct a better plan than putting her on what amounts to a glorified Carnival Cruise with your heroic cabbie. What is this, Scooby-Doo?

Morgan Freeman as President Tom Beck (Deep Impact)

"Thanks for the election... SUCKERS!"

How He Fucked Up

In a moment of crisis, we turn to our leaders to guide us. To offer us encouragement and wisdom. To tell us everything is going to be okay. And the one thing we hope they’ll never, ever say to us is, “Shit, I guess you’re all fucked! Now excuse me while I take only the elite and hide in a cave somewhere.”

Why He’d Never Get Re-Elected

When Frodo Baggins discovered a massive meteor hurtling toward Earth and threatening to kill us all, President Tom Beck did what any leader would do: he kept it a secret for as long as he could, built a secret underground cave system to house the best and the brightest and told the majority of the population that to go fuck themselves.

In a literal display of burying his head in the sand (or in this case underneath a mountain) and hoping for the best, Beck proposed an idea of hiding away some of the best athletes, minds, and professionals in various fields in his elaborate cave system and letting the rest of the world perish. So while Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, and Rue McClanahan were probably okay, the rest of us were pretty well screwed. That anyone might survive what turned out to be a grossly overestimated doomsday was apparently beyond his comprehension

"Gentleman, I propose a bold strategy."

When the meteor crashed and killed far less people than he had anticipated, it’s a safe bet that Beck had a tough time trying to get the masses he’d abandoned to gruesome deaths to forget that he deemed them completely unworthy of continuing to live.

What He Should Have Done Instead

Hindsight is 20/20, but the fact remains that Beck didn’t even really suggest any survival strategies or even seem to be thinking about anything other than saving his own and, presumably, the asses of his many financial backers.

If nothing else, with the knowledge that the meteor was going to hit off of the east coast and the majority of the damage would be done to the eastern seaboard, he could have reminded the people that Manifest Destiny needn’t be a passing fad, like acid wash jeans or Tila Tequila. Instead, he could have recommended that maybe it’d be a good idea to flee to the west. Hell, it’s not like anyone is using Montana or Wyoming anyway.

Wyoming State Motto: "We're so lonely."

Seeing the aftermath of the meteor crashing into the earth, we now know that if only he’d suggested that long awaited trip to check out Mount Rushmore (on which he’ll probably never see his face added) a whole pantsload of American voters could have been saved. And if he’d suggested it in that soothing Morgan Freeman voice of his, we’re betting he could have salvaged a few votes in the process.

Bill Pullman as President Thomas Whitmore (Independence Day)

"Come on guys, we've got to save the princess from the SpaceBalls - I mean, America from the aliens!"

How He Fucked Up

Along with hoping that our leaders will tell us that everything is okay in the face of a crisis, we also hope that they’ll be reasonable and use logic and, maybe, oh, “foresight.” We hope that whatever their decision, they don’t rush into it, and they’ve fully thought through all of the potential consequences. Especially when they’re thinking about whether or not they want to detonate a nuke on American soil.

Why He’d Never Get Re-Elected

Aliens sure can be a nuisance, and if Independence Day taught us anything, they have a knack for trying to ruin beloved American holidays. When they’re not preventing us from getting drunk at a barbeque, they’re trying to take over our planet and destroy us all. On the bright side, at least there weren’t any anal probes.

With the majority of the world’s major cities completely destroyed within 36 hours, President Thomas Whitmore did the only thing he can think of: he nuked the shit out of Houston, presumably because he figured the quicker our cities were annihilated, the sooner the aliens would leave.

While the aliens were eventually defeated thanks to the quick thinking of DJ Jazzy Jeff Goldblum and the fists of fury of the Fresh Prince, we find it hard to believe the American public would forgive Whitmore for launching a nuclear attack on one of his own cities. And even if the voters were able to look past the initial destruction caused by Whitmore, we have a tough time believing they would have been able to ignore the years of fallout and the ensuing slew of mutants soon to be roaming around Houston. You know, like Yao Ming.

Our Hero!

What He Should Have Done Instead

For one thing, he could have waited more than a day to choose the most extreme solution possible. While the aliens posed one hell of a threat to our continued existence, Whitmore chose to act brashly and basically do their job for them, thus expediting their goal of conquering Earth. In an effort to cover his ass with a heroic act, Whitmore chose to hop in a fighter jet and fight the aliens himself, wasting his missiles and ultimately using a drunk crop duster pilot to take down one of the alien ships.

It’s also hard to ignore that within hours of his rash decision making that resulted in the destruction of a major American city a brilliant plan was hatched that would ultimately defeat the space invaders. Granted, it was a plan that hinged on whether the aliens had updated their Norton Anti-Virus software, but that doesn’t change the fact that waiting more than a couple hours before blowing the shit out of Houston might have been a smart move.

Malcolm Says: "Norton Anti-Virus actually gave a computer I had a few years ago some hideous form of computer super-AIDS. The aliens might have been smarter than you think."

In the end, the biggest change Whitmore should have made was to simply sit down and chill for a second rather than rushing to conclusions and making spur of the moment decisions. Realistically, Whitmore should have realized that moving from city to city with only a handful of ships was probably going to take awhile, so making the quickest possible decision no matter how irresponsible or dangerous, might not have been the smartest idea. We can only assume that Whitmore just wanted to make sure to get this whole thing over as quickly as possible, so as not to ruin Labor Day too.

Michael Scofield is the brains of the operation on Prison Break, which may not be saying much considering he’s been in prison, escaped, caught, thrown back in prison, escaped, caught, and put under house arrest and forced to work for the government under threat of, you guessed it, being tossed back in prison. He’s a smart guy, sure, if by smart you mean totally retarded but really smarmy about it. And he really sucks at this whole “freedom” thing.

"Jailed again, excellent! The escape continues according to plan."

I would totally own him in a fight. Scofield carries himself with a sense of smugness and superiority that would have to be a hindrance in a brawl, and I’d like to see how smarmy he is with my foot up his ass. He’d be plotting wildly for how to use physics or whatever scientific garbage to his advantage, but MacGyver he is not, and he’d waste those precious few seconds before his face was met and pummeled by my Irish fists of fury calculating how to spring a perfectly concocted scheme that requires everything to break just so.

This time, Scofield, the only thing that’s going to break is your face. Booyah.

4. Peter Bishop (Fringe)

As the brilliant and mysterious Peter Bishop on Fringe, the artist formerly known as Pacey gets to walk around solving mysteries Scooby-Doo style while brooding half the time and showcasing his butter knife sharp wit the rest. In a battle of smugness, he’d likely topple even our old friend Michael Scofield. Plus, he’s got the added bonus of having more range than just playing the guy who squints and scowls and talks at just above a whisper. Sorry, Scofield.

Okay, I'm not really sorry. Look at him!

But let’s move on from our old Prison Break pal and focus on Peter Bishop, the son of an eccentric jailbird scientist who helps the government track down the culprits behind some really fucked up shit. Kind of like Mulder, only with less street cred.

I’d own him. There’s not even a question, is there? I mean, come on. This is Joshua Jackson we’re talking about. The little Mighty Duck would suffer the mighty wrath of my mighty overhand right to the forehead, followed by my own version of the flying V, which is really just code for a flying jump kick that deserves a fancy and ironic name, that would send him splashing down in Dawson’s Creek. And then I’d lay waste to James Van Der Forehead, just for good measure.

3. Jack Shephard (Lost)

We move now from smug and brilliant to selfless and brilliant, with a hearty helping of self-destructive mixed in. Jack, the de facto leader on Lost before he miraculously escaped and grew a bitchin’ beard and became a full blown alcoholic, is a good if tortured man who likes to make speeches and not put any moves on his excessively hot fellow castaway Kate, who anyone can tell totally wants it.

He’s a reluctant savior, rushing headlong into situations without always thinking them through and making rash decisions, which seems odd given that he’s a spinal surgeon who, one would think, is prone to things like “logic” and “grace under pressure.” But oh no, not Jack.

"I sprinted into the ocean for reasons I can no longer remember. Now I am wet and cold."

And that’s the primary reason I’d open a can on his scruffy-looking nerfherder ass. It seems like it’d be easy to trick ol’ Jack into a nice solid clothesline. I could just wait behind a door, yell out that Kate is in trouble, and right on cue Jack would come rushing in without trying to actually come up with one of those pesky “plans” that people are so high on. When he comes charging through, I’d just stick out an arm or a leg and watch the good doctor go sailing, and proceed to work him over to the point where, ironically, he’d need a doctor himself. He’d probably get stuck with someone like Hurley trying to take care of him. Hilarity would ensue.

I know better than to try fucking with Hurley, though. He's more nimble than he looks.

2. Peter Petrelli (Heroes)

When he’s got his powers, sure, Peter Petrelli is one bad dude. Not unlike the old school arcade game, similarly titled Bad Dudes. Did you ever play it? Totally boss. But with or without his powers, there’s one thing Peter Petrelli can’t overcome: he’s a total bitch. And a retard. And he’s too busy moping around and being emo to really be an effective hero. He’s basically a rebitchemotard*. It’s like his kryptonite, really.

"I find your lack of faith... disturbing."

Whether it’s getting owned by Sylar or Adam Monroe or having his powers sucked away by his father; getting manipulated by his mom or, well, basically falling for any scheme anyone ever throws at him, Peter Petrelli basically sucks at life.

For a guy with seemingly unlimited power, he really doesn’t know how to use them, or when. And when I locked horns with the little momma’s boy, I’d just say something that got him to unleash his power of being super emo. And it’d be way easy, too, because pretty much anything can drive an emo person to super emo status. Seriously, insult them and it feeds right into their mopey gayness. Compliment them – and rest assured they hate being complimented – and it will double the normal rate of descent into angst territory because 1) a compliment makes people happy, and emos hate being happy, therefore the compliment would make them super sad about being happy, and 2) the fact that they hate being happy in and of itself works, because hate leads to anger, anger leads to suffering, and you best believe that Yoda ain’t clownin’.

"Terrible, your poetry is."

And then I’d proceed to take him down while he was busy weeping and crying and spouting various forms of “woe is me.” On the bright side, getting his ass whupped would probably only fuel his emo-ness, giving him one more thing to brood about. Other than looking and acting like a little girl, that is.

*Don’t worry, I’ve already contacted the people at Webster’s about getting this added to the dictionary. I was supposed to e-mail Emmanuel Lewis for that, right?

1. Jack Bauer (24)

No, just kidding. Jack, I said I was just kidding! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it! Jack! Jack! No, please, Jack! JAAA–!

"Ok! Ok! Lost Boys was the greatest movie ever!"

In early 2005, McDonald’s began running banner ads featuring an incredulous-looking guy claiming he’d enjoy fucking a cheeseburger.  Apparently, McDonald’s misunderstood the meaning of the lingo, “I’d hit it.” This leads me to believe that the McDonald’s higher-ups don’t leave their gold-painted mansions long enough to know that “I’d hit it” alludes to sex, and not food. Either that, or McDonald’s executives are so bizarrely old and out of touch that they also think a shiny new buffalo nickel can get you a swell ferry ride. But I suppose sex with a sandwich can be done, provided the cheese was cooled off and ketchup was used as a lubricant. Notice that I didn’t include a special sauce joke, as that’s tired and boring. Take note.

According to McDonald's, Michael's use of this burger is highly inappropriate. Though that was probably already true.

The Fallout

McDonald’s immediately pulled the ad and embarrassed cheeseburger enthusiasts pulled their pants up and ran inside when they realized the revolution hadn’t quite started yet.  McDonald’s apologized and admitted they were unfamiliar with the way we young ruffians talk.  What with the slang, insults to mothers, and parachute pants.  Unfortunately for McDonald’s, once something is online, it’s always online, and the banner ad was copied and pasted into the depths of the series of tubes.  Interestingly enough, it spawned some pretty decent parody ads.

Walmart Subtly Introduces Their Final Solution

In November of 2006, a blogger noticed something a little strange about a t-shirt at her local Wal-Mart.  Besides the fact that it probably smelled like crushed animal crackers and the spirit of the American working man, it featured a skull logo that just so happened to also be used by the 3rd SS Division Totenkopf; or to those of us who aren’t better than everyone else with our infinite wealth of history trivia, a bunch of military Nazis.  It turned out that Wal-Mart was just copying the work of hack thieving douchebag “artist” Shep Fairey, the clothing designer who makes those OBEY GIANT shirts worn by those guys who skateboard in my empty pool and need haircuts.

GET A JOB

Anyway, it appears that the dude who ripped off Fairey while Fairey was ripping off the Nazis sold a shit-load of t-shirts to Wal-Mart, who being the paragon of business ethnics and superb customer service that they are, took 62 weeks to remove the shirts after being made aware of the origins of the skull logo.  Fairey, on the other hand decided that looking like an asshole is better than looking like an idiot and chose to pretend that he was aware of the skull’s meaning, but that’s just how edgy he is.  Man, you can’t keep a Fairey down.

Fairey-Douchemother

The Fallout

Wal-Mart issued the usual apology while Fairey quietly reported the shirts as being out of stock.  The OBEY executives went on to live a life of hair always being in their faces and Walmart tried to quietly sweep it under the rug, especially since they were just coming off of a advertisement debacle featuring Nazi book burnings.  Stay classy, Wal-Mart.

Bernard Madoff Tells His Kids His Dirty Secret

In late 2008 Bernard Madoff, who ran a… uh… money making… something-or-other was arrested for… ahh… something illegal.  From what my feeble female brain can gather, Madoff was running a giant Ponzi scheme, where previous investors were being payed from the monies of new investors, and Madoff Money Makers Company or something weren’t actually investing their money in anything. In all fairness, there were questions about Madoff’s methods as far back as 1999, and one of little feeder companies was investigated back in 1992, but I imagine Madoff distracted them with something shiny.  Apparently, nothing official happened until Madoff made a tearful and possibly drunken confession to his two sons (who both worked for Mad Madoff’s Money Mill) and they immediately went to the authorities to turn their dad in.  I’m trying to imagine what the Christmas card read like:

"Boy, what a year!"

The Fallout

Hard to say, being that it’s still going on.  Bernie’s Bullion Bakers, or whatever it’s called is in the process of being liquidated, and estimates of the money lost runs up to $50 billion.  Quite a few billionaires have lost a few million bucks, and sadly may have to settle for a cheaper jet lease this new year as a result of Madoff’s trickery.  And what is probably the only tragic part of all this is the fact that although Madoff was apparently a chode of the lowest order, his family did donate millions of dollars annually to various charities, which he of course convinced them to reinvest with him.  Hah, fuck you starving orphans and cancer victims!

FAGS

Viacom Tries To Destroy The Internet

As all of us pasty and overweight keyboard jockeys are aware of, Viacom- a gigantic TV conglomerate- tried to sue Google and Youtube for $1 billion back in 2007 and successfully had 100,000 videos taken down, much to the chagrin of Daily Show and Southpark fans everywhere.  Much like the Metallica vs. Napster debacle years before, Viacom tried to come off as humble artists and workers, just trying to protect their creative essence from being sucked out by the evil Skeksis-like Google.  But what Viacom failed to take note from what Metallica learned back in the day, the internet has made us not only more clever, but embittered and quick-witted.  We can now tell the difference between a lone artist and the group of suits who take over ownership of other people’s creations. And while Viacom demanded the IP addresses of these thieving users to track them down (presumably to feed them to lions or eat a banquet in the glow of their burning bodies), Google and several privacy advocates balked and called them fags.

Here's a fun game: go to Wikipedia, and look up "Skeksis." Then look up "Sitophilia." Then imagine a Skeksis with Sitophilia. Then vomit.

The Fallout

Google and Viacom are still in the works of a settlement, but from the perspective of Youtube users, the broo-ha-ha seems to be slowly fading away. There was an irritating few weeks where it was impossible to find a clip of the Daily Show and you were forced to go to ComedyCentral.com and put up with their advertising bullshit to watch a thirty second clip. And if you wanted to watch a full episode, you either had to own a Tivo or watch it when it aired. But, that involved sitting through commercials for Drawn Together and hearing the braying voice of the Comedy Central spokesman. The good news is that this lawsuit finally made several communication companies realize that this new fangled internet thing wasn’t going to go away, and more companies began putting more and more of their stuff online. You can now watch 30 Rock on both NBC.com and Hulu, and the Daily Show has it’s own website where you can watch months of episodes while quietly weeping to yourself for a lack of social life.

15. “BooKoo”

It’s hard to say anything against BooKoo since the drink is so damndedly tasty, but we’ll come right out and say it: their name is terrible.

For those who aren’t Francophones, BooKoo is a bastardization of the French word for big, beaucoup; however, instead of making us think “big” we think “clowns,” and clowns are spooky.

Iiiiiiiiiit's BooKoo the clown!

14. “Blow”

Despite being a clear rip-off of the much more popular and controversial energy drink Cocaine, Blow also lends itself to some all too obvious jokes we’re far too classy to print.

We will; however, give Blow extra points for actually being sold as a vial full of white powder which you mix with water. That’s pretty cool.

13. “Go Fast”

There’s not much that can be said about Go Fast, other than “well, yeah.” You’re supposed to make us go fast Go Fast, that’s why you’re an energy drink.

Go Fast is like a box of crackers called Put Cheese Upon or a WatchMe brand television set. Screw you Go Fast. Screw you for being so ludicrously obvious.

12. “Kaboom!”

We know it’s en vogue to imply your energy drink will give its consumers near-fatal doses of energy, but this just makes us feel like the product is initially defective.

The name makes us fear that it is produced by ACME, and when we attempt to drink it to get that quick burst of energy necessary to catch the roadrunner some faulty wiring causes the entire thing to explode. It could happen.

11. “Invigor8″

Do you see what they did there? It’s really very clever, you see, the number 8 sounds like the phonetic sound “ate,” they’re homophones you see, and, get this, it’s marketed by V8, so the 8 is actually part of their name, and…wait, did we say clever? We meant irritating, very irritating.

10. “Mozart”

Alright, we can admire what they were trying to do here. We all know the energy drink market is saturated with names like THUNDERBLAST, AMP, MANJUICE, and TESTOSTERZONE, so we’re fairly sure Mozart brand energy drink was trying to stand out as a “classy” drink, but really…Mozart?

Is their marketing slogan For that speedy pick-up thou need whilst penning Con Fan Tutti?

9. “Kabbalah”

Contains surprisingly little actual power.

The moment you see the word Kabbalah, you know you’ve heard it somewhere, it lies someplace in the back of your mind and you simply can’t put a finger on it. We’ll help you out a bit:

Madonna.

Yes, that Kabbalah, the wacky ass Jewish religion that Madonna, Demi Moore and Paris Hilton support.

And yes, this is indeed an energy drink marketed by the Kabbalah religion. Reportedly it is strawberry flavored and made with water blessed by a rabbi. Furthermore, the energy drink has regular Jews mad at the Kabbalah Jews for “selling out.”

Sadly, we did not make a word of that up.

8. “Deep Throat”

Hey kids, now you too can pretend you’re Linda Lovelace with Deep Throat brand energy drinks. Finally, you can perform gratuitous sex acts for money in front of a camera well into the night without fear of fatigue.

Just thank your lucky stars they didn’t make the can a large phallus or attempt to simulate any related flavors.

7. “Kronik: Grind”

Let’s ignore the obvious shill towards pot heads here and focus on the real issue: Kronik Grind sounds like something there should be a support group for.

Note to future marketers: if your product’s name conjures up images of debilitating disease, horrid mental defects or uncontrollable self gratification, consider a different name.

6. “Bong Water”

There’s two energy drinks marketed directly towards stoners?

Stoners?

One of the least energy craving demographics in existence?

Energy drinks?

On top of that, they chose a name that may as well be “tastes like piss” for how appetizing that sounds. How hard is this? What about “Ganja Grape,” or “Bong Berry”? Don’t make me do your job for you Bong Water Inc.

5. “Phat Phruit”

We’re pretty hip people, we’re up on the slang and lingo of the kids, and we know that when a “homeboy” calls his “fine mamma” “phat” he’s not telling her she’s corpulent, but rather he is letting her know she is pretty hot and tempting.

However, we can’t for the life of us determine what a “Phruit” is. Does it stand for “Panting Heavily Ruins Unctuous Ill TaTas”? Is it a fruit that reacts readily with acid? We may never know.

4. “Who’s Your Daddy?”

Who indeed. Who’s Your Daddy claims to be the “king” of all energy drinks, which is a fittingly douchey claim for a completely douchey sounding energy drink.

In fact, scientists proved in 1932, with science, that only complete douche nozzles say “Who’s Your Daddy,” and we are left to assume, with science, that only douche nozzles drink Who’s Your Daddy brand energy drinks.

3. “1 in 3 Trinity”

Finally an energy drink for the devout Christian on the go for when the Holy Spirit just isn’t enough. Let’s be frank, we all know how hard it is to find energy drinks not mass produced by Satan himself or his corporate subsidiaries. Thankfully, the edgy people at 1 in 3 Trinity have solved this problem that has plagued all of no one with 1 in 3 Trinity energy drink.

1 in 3 Trinity claims to be “Fused with The Fruits of the Spirit”, and who are we to argue?

2. “Hunid Racks”

We lied when we said we were culturally hip. Somewhere along the way we got lost amidst the baggy jeans and angry talking music. That’s why Hunid Racks confused and infuriated us so much, and after much furious Googling we finally figured out what a “Hunid Rack” is: It’s 100,000 dollars, or as we say in America: 100,000 smackaroos.

We don’t hate Hunid Rack’s name just because it belittles us with its urban know how, we also hate it because it sounds like something found growing on the bottom of a geriatric’s foot.

1. “Sum Poosie”

Sum Poosie is the energy drink equivalent of having a “No Fat Chicks” sticker on your car or a “One in the pink; two in the stink” shirt: if you are seen with one, you will never know the touch of a woman.

Sum Poosie exists solely for 14 year old boys to giggle and talk about getting “sum poosie.” Ironically, they will never get the real kind. However, once sales eventually slip (how long can this stay amusing?) they may want to talk to the 1 in 3 Trinity people, concerned Christian parents may be interested in having this as abstinence in a can.