By Daniel Dean

(Alternative Title: SECOND-BEST AT WHAT HE DOES)

What can we say about Wolverine that hasn’t been poorly spelled in all-caps before? He’s Marvel’s most bankable mutant and currently appears in about every third comic Marvel publishes. They have even taken to specifically labeling comics which don’t have Wolverine on them. Yes, seriously.

Use these to recognize the increasingly-rare Wolverine-free Marvel titles!

In the comics Wolverine seems aware of his best-selling status, missing no opportunity to talk down to his teammates and trash-talk his enemies, generally glowering at everything and wishing he could fuck a dead woman. This would all-be par for the course in comics but, dammit, he’s just so cocky about it, as are his fans. Well I say we take Wolverine at his word and see whether he really is the best there is at what he does.

What exactly is it that Wolverine does, you ask? Let’s check his stats:

KILLING

Want context? Purchase "The Dark Phoenix Saga" trade paperback and hold on to your balls.

One thing that always drew fans to Wolverine was how lethal he was. Banshee would yell at you, Cyclops would look at you, Professor X would make you think bad thoughts, but Wolverine… he will stab you. As time went on this aspect of Wolverine’s character was played up more heavily as fans couldn’t seem to get enough of Wolverine losing his shit and killing a room full of dudes. One of the things that catapulted Wolverine to fan-favorite status was him cutting up an entire building of dudes after getting left for dead in the sewers.

GRADE: B-

Apart from cannon-fodder henchmen, Wolverine really hasn’t killed as many people as you would think. Of those he has killed many of them really had it a long time coming, so the whole “loose cannon” angle just doesn’t work. He probably would have scored higher if not for the fact that he has failed to kill so many of his arch enemies when killing people is his whole deal (see below.)

HEAD OF THE CLASS: TOMMY MONAGHAN

I could have said “The Punisher” because both of them have pretty impressive body counts but A) the Punisher didn’t really start killing a lot of guys for a long time (since he was a Spider-Man character and mostly hung around threateningly) and B) Tommy Monaghan killed a shitload of guys in way fewer issues than the Punisher ever did. Still, both characters held mainstream titles and killed way more people than Wolverine ever did. For those unfamiliar with him, Tommy Monaghan starred in DC comics’ Hitman by future Punisher scribe Garth Ennis and his book was pretty righteously funny in its own right, which earns him some extra credit.

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Tags: bub, Daniel, Fiction, gaaaaaaaaay, Lists, Nonfiction, snikt, terrible dress sense, wolverine

By Daniel Dean

Every show is somebody’s favorite. I’m not just talking about the Sopranos or Cheers. I’m sure that somewhere out there is a Pink Lady and Jeff fan holding out for a miracle. When a network cancels a show it might be due to low ratings, public outrage, lack of sponsors, or other budgetary concerns. Maybe Bernie Mac died. The point is that usually we, the viewing public, know how the game is played so we learn to live with it.

That’s not always the case. Sometimes a show is cut down in its prime or before it even had a chance. In honor of the not-entirely-recent release of the complete Andy Richter Controls the Universe on DVD (including unaired episodes) I thought it would be a good idea to look at some comedy series that suffered that ignominy. This is by no means a complete list or even a complete list of our favorite canceled comedies but rather an ode to a few shows that don’t get enough love (and a couple that simply can’t get enough love.)

Right off the bat let me just say that we of TLG give special lifetime achievement recognition in the history of canned programs to Judd Apatow and Bryan Fuller. Freaks and Geeks, Dead Like Me, Undeclared, Pushing Daisies: these shows all had their own online petitions to “Save Our Show!” and complimentary pull-quotes etched on their tombstones. If we didn’t make this one entry it would be the whole article.

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Tags: arrested development, cancelled, covering big-tittied cheerleaders in whipped cream, Daniel, disappointment, family guy, frisky dingo, futurama, Lists, mst3k, mystery science theater 3000, Nonfiction, television, the tick

Last November, the US made a giant social leap forward with the landslide election of Barack Obama. People wanted a change, and so far…well, change takes time. But that’s neither here nor there.

The fact remains that we still live in uncertain times, and more and more of us are being forced to sell ourselves on the street in order to simply pay our bills. In these trying times, we look to our leaders to guide us through to better days. At the end of the day, at least we can all take solace in the fact that we won’t have to rely on these fictional presidents, none of whom would ever get re-elected…

Billy Bob Thornton as The U.S. President (Love Actually)

"Suck my dick, England."

How He Fucked Up

For years, the US and England were like bickering siblings, and like many brothers who grew up hating each other and beating each other up, they gradually grew to be great friends. And then, a U.S. president like the one portrayed by Billy Bob comes along and fucks everything up because he decides he wants his older brother’s new woman. And then you know shit is on!

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Tags: dicks, Jeff, Lists, movies, Nonfiction, nuking houston and other questionable policies, presidents

5. Michael Scofield (Prison Break)

Michael Scofield is the brains of the operation on Prison Break, which may not be saying much considering he’s been in prison, escaped, caught, thrown back in prison, escaped, caught, and put under house arrest and forced to work for the government under threat of, you guessed it, being tossed back in prison. He’s a smart guy, sure, if by smart you mean totally retarded but really smarmy about it. And he really sucks at this whole “freedom” thing.

"Jailed again, excellent! The escape continues according to plan."

I would totally own him in a fight. Scofield carries himself with a sense of smugness and superiority that would have to be a hindrance in a brawl, and I’d like to see how smarmy he is with my foot up his ass. He’d be plotting wildly for how to use physics or whatever scientific garbage to his advantage, but MacGyver he is not, and he’d waste those precious few seconds before his face was met and pummeled by my Irish fists of fury calculating how to spring a perfectly concocted scheme that requires everything to break just so.

This time, Scofield, the only thing that’s going to break is your face. Booyah.

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Tags: dicks, Fiction, jack is a stupid motherfucker, Jeff, jeff wants to touch pretty men ha ha, Lists

McDonald’s Develops Sitophilia

In early 2005, McDonald’s began running banner ads featuring an incredulous-looking guy claiming he’d enjoy fucking a cheeseburger.  Apparently, McDonald’s misunderstood the meaning of the lingo, “I’d hit it.” This leads me to believe that the McDonald’s higher-ups don’t leave their gold-painted mansions long enough to know that “I’d hit it” alludes to sex, and not food. Either that, or McDonald’s executives are so bizarrely old and out of touch that they also think a shiny new buffalo nickel can get you a swell ferry ride. But I suppose sex with a sandwich can be done, provided the cheese was cooled off and ketchup was used as a lubricant. Notice that I didn’t include a special sauce joke, as that’s tired and boring. Take note.

According to McDonald's, Michael's use of this burger is highly inappropriate. Though that was probably already true.

The Fallout

McDonald’s immediately pulled the ad and embarrassed cheeseburger enthusiasts pulled their pants up and ran inside when they realized the revolution hadn’t quite started yet.  McDonald’s apologized and admitted they were unfamiliar with the way we young ruffians talk.  What with the slang, insults to mothers, and parachute pants.  Unfortunately for McDonald’s, once something is online, it’s always online, and the banner ad was copied and pasted into the depths of the series of tubes.  Interestingly enough, it spawned some pretty decent parody ads.

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15. “BooKoo”

It’s hard to say anything against BooKoo since the drink is so damndedly tasty, but we’ll come right out and say it: their name is terrible.

For those who aren’t Francophones, BooKoo is a bastardization of the French word for big, beaucoup; however, instead of making us think “big” we think “clowns,” and clowns are spooky.

Iiiiiiiiiit's BooKoo the clown!

14. “Blow”

Despite being a clear rip-off of the much more popular and controversial energy drink Cocaine, Blow also lends itself to some all too obvious jokes we’re far too classy to print.

We will; however, give Blow extra points for actually being sold as a vial full of white powder which you mix with water. That’s pretty cool.

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Tags: clowns, dicks, energy drinks, Lists, Michael, retardation, terror