By Lucius Cambridge, PhD., Canadian Film Institute, on assignment in London, England

I am, was, a student of the dearly departed Dr. Albert Oxford. I was with him at the peak of Mount Everest when he tragically fell and careened off the rocks like a rag doll in the winter of 2007. Now that I have been acquitted of any wrong doing in my esteemed mentor’s tragic demise I can finally continue his work in the field of movie critique. And so I give to you the following.

50 Reasons The Star Trek Movie Sucks

1) Elves in space?

Elves have been popular ever since that dreadful “Lord” of the “Rings.” So this movie slaps on some elf ears to bring in the gay-elf loving crowd.

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Tags: absolute fact, Dr. Lucius Cambridge, Jonathan, no prevarications, this article has the complete support of The Last Gaffe and all of its financial backers, unvarnished truth

Hey, Malcolm here. I’m really sorry about the recent lapse in updates. As you can see, the site has a new look to it, and also a few different things. For one, there is a forum now, where you can all go and yammer to your heart’s content. And eventually there will be a proper Archive, once I finish making the thumbnails. And, most exciting, by this time tomorrow we ought to have a proper site logo, with an easily merchanisable mascot animal and everything!

Anyhow, this is all a very roundabout method of telling you lovely people that update droughts like this are not something we here at TLG plan on making a habit of, and in that spirit, here’s a little poem Jay whipped up in honor of Memorial Day.*

FUCK YOU, THIS IS A MEMORIAL DAY POEM

By Jay Thomas

Twas the day of Memorial, as I sat in my room
Watching t.v., and tripping on shrooms.
While a dragon and elf made love in my bed.
I sincerely hoped they were just in my head.

The summer was sweltering, humid and hot.
“Shit! I need fireworks.” I said as I thought.
Excited and smiling, I rose to my feet.
Then the elf winked at me and said, “take a seat.”

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Tags: dragon, elf, elf-dragon sex, Fiction, fireworks, furry dragons in elf asses, gay dragons, gay elf sex, hot dogs, Jay, Malcolm, memorial day

By Daniel Dean

(Alternative Title: SECOND-BEST AT WHAT HE DOES)

What can we say about Wolverine that hasn’t been poorly spelled in all-caps before? He’s Marvel’s most bankable mutant and currently appears in about every third comic Marvel publishes. They have even taken to specifically labeling comics which don’t have Wolverine on them. Yes, seriously.

Use these to recognize the increasingly-rare Wolverine-free Marvel titles!

In the comics Wolverine seems aware of his best-selling status, missing no opportunity to talk down to his teammates and trash-talk his enemies, generally glowering at everything and wishing he could fuck a dead woman. This would all-be par for the course in comics but, dammit, he’s just so cocky about it, as are his fans. Well I say we take Wolverine at his word and see whether he really is the best there is at what he does.

What exactly is it that Wolverine does, you ask? Let’s check his stats:

KILLING

Want context? Purchase "The Dark Phoenix Saga" trade paperback and hold on to your balls.

One thing that always drew fans to Wolverine was how lethal he was. Banshee would yell at you, Cyclops would look at you, Professor X would make you think bad thoughts, but Wolverine… he will stab you. As time went on this aspect of Wolverine’s character was played up more heavily as fans couldn’t seem to get enough of Wolverine losing his shit and killing a room full of dudes. One of the things that catapulted Wolverine to fan-favorite status was him cutting up an entire building of dudes after getting left for dead in the sewers.

GRADE: B-

Apart from cannon-fodder henchmen, Wolverine really hasn’t killed as many people as you would think. Of those he has killed many of them really had it a long time coming, so the whole “loose cannon” angle just doesn’t work. He probably would have scored higher if not for the fact that he has failed to kill so many of his arch enemies when killing people is his whole deal (see below.)

HEAD OF THE CLASS: TOMMY MONAGHAN

I could have said “The Punisher” because both of them have pretty impressive body counts but A) the Punisher didn’t really start killing a lot of guys for a long time (since he was a Spider-Man character and mostly hung around threateningly) and B) Tommy Monaghan killed a shitload of guys in way fewer issues than the Punisher ever did. Still, both characters held mainstream titles and killed way more people than Wolverine ever did. For those unfamiliar with him, Tommy Monaghan starred in DC comics’ Hitman by future Punisher scribe Garth Ennis and his book was pretty righteously funny in its own right, which earns him some extra credit.

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Tags: bub, Daniel, Fiction, gaaaaaaaaay, Lists, Nonfiction, snikt, terrible dress sense, wolverine

By Jonathan Kimak

Chapter One: DEATH FINDS A PHALLUS

I could see them in the distance. They were fighting.

Sparks flew into the evening air. I stopped, scratched my itchy ass and began to move closer. The two fighters were still a few rooftops away and I wanted to see this battle up close. I’d never seen a live sword fight before, and even from this distance the sight was entrancing.

I was walking among the rooftops for my own security, I wondered why these combatants were dueling up in my domain. Well, it wasn’t really my domain, but I walked the rooftops most mornings and nights, avoiding some of the tougher residents on my block. They didn’t seem to like me and I quickly found out that I was allergic to punches. I suppose had I been taller everything would have been easier. An extra foot and I’d be 6′6″ or is it 6″6′, I don’t know. At that height my 200 pound frame would be normal and I wouldn’t be constantly out of breath.

I guess I don't really live in that great an area of town.

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Tags: big dongs, cocks, dicks, dicks fighting other dicks, dicks upon dicks, dongs, Fiction, fighting, Jonathan, no girls allowed, not gay

Today’s forum thing (and the last one I’m going to inflict upon you for the time being since my policy of hitting my writers until articles come out has finally paid off,) comes from this boring thread, which was started by an unfunny idiot who wanted people to come up with ways for him to get “revenge” on his neighbors who insisted upon having loud sex at all hours, apparently. It was a stupid thread started by a stupid person, and thankfully the thing I wrote is only related to it by the barest of lines.

"You passionate lovers are in for it once the Internet tells me what to do about your shenanigans!"

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Tags: Cracked, Cracked Forums, fake conversations, Fiction, Malcolm, meatloaf, Micheal is unreliable, Micheal sex, Scripts

Because I don’t think I mentioned this last time: since these are shorter pieces that I’m sure a large portion of my audience has already seen, this is going to be a three-update week. This is mostly being done to simultaneously silence my inner artist’s outraged cries at posting re-runs, and my outer audience’s deafening yawns of apathy at our glacial update schedule.

"Oh look, TLG updated. I guess I owe Todd in HR a dollar."

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Tags: Cracked, Cracked Forums, david wong, dick jokes, dicks, Fiction, I love dicks, Malcolm, sucking dicks, sucking up

I’ve been a little busy with my various schemes to put much thought into what I’m going to write next for this site. Since I don’t really feel like forcing anything, I figured I’d steal a trick from Jay Pinkerton and just post some dressed-up pieces I’ve written for the Cracked Forums over the past few months. Most of them were just spur-of-the-moment things I banged out when some random comment activated my imagination.

I’ll do my best to provide context and background, and also correct some of my more glaring mistakes of formatting and punctuation. Oh, and if this whole business seems uncharacteristically lazy and narcissistic, then you obviously haven’t seen my Twitter account.

Let me put it this way: Dane Cook LOVES my Twitter.

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Tags: 4chan, Anthony Clark, Cracked, Cracked Forums, Fiction, future, Malcolm, meme, Milhouse, Nedroid, Scripts, whimsy, Wikipedia

5. Michael Scofield (Prison Break)

Michael Scofield is the brains of the operation on Prison Break, which may not be saying much considering he’s been in prison, escaped, caught, thrown back in prison, escaped, caught, and put under house arrest and forced to work for the government under threat of, you guessed it, being tossed back in prison. He’s a smart guy, sure, if by smart you mean totally retarded but really smarmy about it. And he really sucks at this whole “freedom” thing.

"Jailed again, excellent! The escape continues according to plan."

I would totally own him in a fight. Scofield carries himself with a sense of smugness and superiority that would have to be a hindrance in a brawl, and I’d like to see how smarmy he is with my foot up his ass. He’d be plotting wildly for how to use physics or whatever scientific garbage to his advantage, but MacGyver he is not, and he’d waste those precious few seconds before his face was met and pummeled by my Irish fists of fury calculating how to spring a perfectly concocted scheme that requires everything to break just so.

This time, Scofield, the only thing that’s going to break is your face. Booyah.

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Tags: dicks, Fiction, jack is a stupid motherfucker, Jeff, jeff wants to touch pretty men ha ha, Lists

Good day, kind Internet-dweller! If you are reading this, you have taken the first step towards success, women, and job security in this hectic world of ours! Read on for several more steps!

But wait! I hear you saying: “How am I going to attain success, women, and job security when I have been effectively crippled by years of sedentary existence? I have spent so many hours re-posting memes on 4Chan that my muscles have atrophied to the point where I can no longer convey myself around my grandmother’s basement under my own power! It has been some days since she last came down to check on me or bring me food, and I fear that she has either moved without telling me or passed away. I sit here in front of my monitor, unable to act, unable to stand, unable to remove myself from the ever-growing pile of my own waste, idly wondering whether I shall die first from starvation or suffocation. How will your handy Primer help me?”

Well, to you I reply: “My Primer is only for the living, or more specifically, those living still able to stand upright under their immense girth. Please search for a handier Primer than this one.”

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Tags: asians, bad ideas, dicks, Fiction, Malcolm, primer, racism

‘Dick Nukem’. ‘The Salisbury Cobra’. ‘Salchicha de la Muerte’.

These, and many more, are the names attributed to my junks. Once upon a time, my crotch rocket commanded not only the love and adoration of the people, but also the grudging respect of many elected officials. There were many who spoke in breathless whispers of my genitalia’s logic-defying, world-rocking abilities, and many more who pined after the merest glimpse of my man machine.

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Tags: dicks, Fiction, ladies, Malcolm, Scripts, unspeakable