By Malcolm Christiansen and Michael Rader

Malcolm: Sex! It’s fun, everyone wants it, and there are any number of ways to get it. But where can you go if you’re creepy, spastic, ugly, or just generally unfuckable? The Internet, of course! The Internet is choc-full of creeptastic homebodies hungering after a few sweaty minutes with the person of their choice; some of them are women, most of them are men, and they’re all downright terrifying!

Lucky for you, TLG is on the front line, keeping you safe from scary old men who want to fondle your parts by making ass-fun of the terrible personals they post. For every installment, two TLG contributors will make accounts on one of the many dating sites that populate this web of ours, be immediately inundated with moist fuck-mail, and reluctantly pick out several choice profiles to riff on.

In this inaugural installment of TLG’s newest feature, Michael and I will be examining Seeking Arrangement, a charmingly upscale little slice of webspace dedicated to connecting hot, lazy, young people with rich, horny old people in a process that is just this side of prostitution. In other words, it’s where sugar daddies come to find sugar babies, and that means some truly alarming personals. Let’s jump right into it!

“Muy intersante!  Verdad?”

Michael: Oh… oh man.

Michael: He’s almost 70.

Malcolm: The description of the type of arrangement he wants is what terrifies me the most.

Malcolm: “Satisfying.”

Malcolm: That could mean any number of gruesome things.

Michael: It could mean pumicing his feet for all these unassuming women know.

Malcolm: Or it could mean feasting thrice nightly on the blood of virgins pure.

Malcolm: He looks almost a little too proud of that boat, you know.

Malcolm: I am willing to bet all the cash in my wallet that it was carved from the bones of orphans.

Michael: “I will expect you to fuck the boat. Fucking the boat is a must.”

Michael: “And I will watch.”

Malcolm: “Fucking not of the boat will have consequences. The boat will ANGER.”

Malcolm: “The boat will fuck YOU.”

Michael: Was the boat made in Soviet Russia?

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Tags: boners, creepy, Don't Fear The Creeper, intoxicating wealth, Malcolm, Michael, Nonfiction, old men, petty classist revenge, Pictures, really bad idea, sex-clouded judgement

You see that? You see that up there? That is a gen-u-ine motherfucking LOGO, friends! Bask! Bask in its motherfucking radiance.

LOGASM

You’re probably saying to yourself right now “Hey Malcolm that is all sorts of tits, how about you and me head over to that seedy alley for a congratulatory handjob,” but alas: your handjob would be misplaced. I had almost no hand in the creation of this thing, which is probably for the best because when it comes to art and drawing I have all the natural talent of a bowl of oatmeal.

The original artwork was created by Cracked forum user Lotharian, in the very first response to the thread I created whoring the site out back in January. I was pretty floored, seeing as how the best idea for a logo I’d had up to that point was “TLG” against a metallic disc (I wasn’t kidding about my utter dearth of artistic talent.)

Fast-forward to a few weeks ago, when I was advised by another friend that my current site design was a big pile of dicks, and that a bunch of changes (including getting a logo,) would really help it look more professional (and you cunts know I am all about professionalism.) I remembered that I had this sweet-ass giraffe picture floating around, and I press-ganged Bobby into helping me make it presentable. The result is above!

Insanely big ups to Bobby, Lotharian, and Curtis (the dude who told me my current site sucked and that I should go on a two-week-long redesign binge, which I quickly did.) Without you guys, the site would not be the sleek, presentable bitch that it is today. I couldn’t be happier with all this.

Tags: check out that motherfucking giraffe, fucking sweet, logo, Malcolm, the site is so fucking dapper now you guys

Hey, Malcolm here. I’m really sorry about the recent lapse in updates. As you can see, the site has a new look to it, and also a few different things. For one, there is a forum now, where you can all go and yammer to your heart’s content. And eventually there will be a proper Archive, once I finish making the thumbnails. And, most exciting, by this time tomorrow we ought to have a proper site logo, with an easily merchanisable mascot animal and everything!

Anyhow, this is all a very roundabout method of telling you lovely people that update droughts like this are not something we here at TLG plan on making a habit of, and in that spirit, here’s a little poem Jay whipped up in honor of Memorial Day.*

FUCK YOU, THIS IS A MEMORIAL DAY POEM

By Jay Thomas

Twas the day of Memorial, as I sat in my room
Watching t.v., and tripping on shrooms.
While a dragon and elf made love in my bed.
I sincerely hoped they were just in my head.

The summer was sweltering, humid and hot.
“Shit! I need fireworks.” I said as I thought.
Excited and smiling, I rose to my feet.
Then the elf winked at me and said, “take a seat.”

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Tags: dragon, elf, elf-dragon sex, Fiction, fireworks, furry dragons in elf asses, gay dragons, gay elf sex, hot dogs, Jay, Malcolm, memorial day

By Malcolm Christiansen

Last week I introduced the Internet to some of the targets of a landscaping laborer’s mangling ministrations, and in this Saturday edition of LAWN TERROR I’ll be taking you through some of our equally clumsy and imprecise devices for getting the job done!

Well, apart from mulching plugs, the use of which essentially amounts to buttfucking your lawnmower without lube.

A WARNING: The sheer variety and lethality of the landscaper’s arsenal may stagger and befuddle the uninformed, but know this: Mother Nature would like nothing more than to see clean, hard-working human men and women such as yourselves forced out of their home and jobs by unhealthy floral elements. Lawn-care professionals need nothing less than the most up-to-date array of tools in order to stem the unending tide of leafy intrusions springing from Gaia’s viridian vagina.

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Tags: aerator, axes, bucolic coworkers, dethatcher, fertilizer, fuck nature, lawncare, lawnmower, loppers, Malcolm, Nonfiction, pickaxes, relentless backbreaking labor, shears, sunburns, tasting blood, trimmer

By Malcolm Christiansen

Even though producing and publishing top-grade internet comedy meets my financial needs in ways that most men can only dream of, sometimes I get a hankering for an honest day’s work amongst the little people. Or even nine hours of honest day’s work, five days a week, in the beating sunlight and blisteringly fresh Vancouver Island air.

Yes, I have recently found gainful employment with a local landscaping company. The Comox Valley (where I live,) houses many such businesses, as it also has the world’s largest population of retirees living in houses with yards that are far beyond their means to maintain. This means that basically anyone with a lawnmower, rake, and a truck to carry them around in can slap a phone number on a business card and have a hundred clients inside a week. I’m doing my best to avoid outright calling landscaping a conspiracy to take advantage of the elderly, but after two weeks on the job it’s pretty hard to see it any other way. In our defense, those octogenarians are totally asking for it.

"No, don't bother telling us your hourly rate, we'll just sign a cheque and leave it blank."

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Tags: backbreaking, blisters, callouses, exhaustion, hatred, heat, lawncare, Malcolm, Nonfiction, old people, sweat

Today’s forum thing (and the last one I’m going to inflict upon you for the time being since my policy of hitting my writers until articles come out has finally paid off,) comes from this boring thread, which was started by an unfunny idiot who wanted people to come up with ways for him to get “revenge” on his neighbors who insisted upon having loud sex at all hours, apparently. It was a stupid thread started by a stupid person, and thankfully the thing I wrote is only related to it by the barest of lines.

"You passionate lovers are in for it once the Internet tells me what to do about your shenanigans!"

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Tags: Cracked, Cracked Forums, fake conversations, Fiction, Malcolm, meatloaf, Micheal is unreliable, Micheal sex, Scripts

Because I don’t think I mentioned this last time: since these are shorter pieces that I’m sure a large portion of my audience has already seen, this is going to be a three-update week. This is mostly being done to simultaneously silence my inner artist’s outraged cries at posting re-runs, and my outer audience’s deafening yawns of apathy at our glacial update schedule.

"Oh look, TLG updated. I guess I owe Todd in HR a dollar."

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Tags: Cracked, Cracked Forums, david wong, dick jokes, dicks, Fiction, I love dicks, Malcolm, sucking dicks, sucking up

I’ve been a little busy with my various schemes to put much thought into what I’m going to write next for this site. Since I don’t really feel like forcing anything, I figured I’d steal a trick from Jay Pinkerton and just post some dressed-up pieces I’ve written for the Cracked Forums over the past few months. Most of them were just spur-of-the-moment things I banged out when some random comment activated my imagination.

I’ll do my best to provide context and background, and also correct some of my more glaring mistakes of formatting and punctuation. Oh, and if this whole business seems uncharacteristically lazy and narcissistic, then you obviously haven’t seen my Twitter account.

Let me put it this way: Dane Cook LOVES my Twitter.

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Tags: 4chan, Anthony Clark, Cracked, Cracked Forums, Fiction, future, Malcolm, meme, Milhouse, Nedroid, Scripts, whimsy, Wikipedia

So, Daniel Dean of the Comic Book Closet put out a call for reviews of Watchmen. This isn’t the sort of thing I normally do; while it’s obvious that my opinion will now and forever be the only one that matters, I find it tiresome explaining that to people. However, I noticed that in his call Daniel failed to make any kind of specifications geared towards the tone, quality, focus, or seriousness of these reviews, and my interest was instantaneously piqued. It takes some serious balls to make that kind of pointed omission in a cattle call; specifically, serious balls that dangle tantalizingly around snap-kicking height.

I Googled "male crotch balls" without thinking of the consequences, and I just don't have the heart to inflict what I saw on the rest of you, so here are some Husky puppies instead.

With that out of the way, let’s get down to business! For the purposes of this review, I’m going to assume a few things:

- That you have read the graphic novel on which the film is based

- That you don’t care about spoilers, and

- That you are going to go somewhere else after reading this to get a serious, well-reasoned viewpoint, because you sure as fuck aren’t going to get that here.

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Tags: big blue dongs, comic books, Malcolm, Nonfiction, other sites, persistent virginity, Reviews

In grudging acknowledgment of Valentine’s Day, I’ve decided to use the occasion as a springboard for talking about how gay I am not.

It’s come to my attention that there are certain unnamed parties that are of the opinion that I am a profligate homosexual who will cheerily exchange a half-hour of backdoor shenanigans for ten dollars and a warm smile.

This is mostly untrue.

Listen, I understand how a misconception such as my alleged fondness for repeated acts of sodomy could come to be.  After all, if a fellow were to watch a music video containing as much sugary pop and ruthlessly synchronized Korean dance stylings as I have in the past week, some eyebrows would be bound to raise.

My favorite is Taeyeon! She's the skinny brunette.

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Tags: dicks, Malcolm, malcolm is all about the ladies, malcolm likes girls, malcolm never thinks about hard cocks, Nonfiction