I am, was, a student of the dearly departed Dr. Albert Oxford. I was with him at the peak of Mount Everest when he tragically fell and careened off the rocks like a rag doll in the winter of 2007. Now that I have been acquitted of any wrong doing in my esteemed mentor’s tragic demise I can finally continue his work in the field of movie critique. And so I give to you the following.

50 Reasons The Star Trek Movie Sucks

1) Elves in space?

Elves have been popular ever since that dreadful “Lord” of the “Rings.” So this movie slaps on some elf ears to bring in the gay-elf loving crowd.

2) Shameless use of STAR.

First there was STARgate, then there was STARwars and now STAR TREK? Way to be original Hollywood.

3) You’d think they could have found someone the same age.

In some scenes Spock is seen as a 30 year old and in other scenes he’s seen as an elderly man. Did the young guy quit because he knew the movie would hurt his career?

4) Name thievery.

What, they couldn’t think of an original name for their spaceship? This name is a blatant rip-off of the NASA space shuttle Enterprise.

5) False advertising.

Having a main character named after Dr. Benjamin Spock is a cheap trick to lure parents to see this under the false pretense of this movie being about child care. Note: This movie is NOT about child care.

6) Calling Dr. Spec Ops!

Spock grabs Kirk by the neck and Kirk suddenly passes out. Spock is a scientist, not some special forces super commando that knows pressure points. A tranquilizer gun would have been more believable.

7) Continuity.

The next time Spock grabs Kirk by the neck, Kirk doesn’t pass out. What is wrong Mr. Abrams, did Spock lose his special ops training over the course of ten minutes?

8 ) Bad Editing.

Kirk and Sulu are falling to their deaths when suddenly there’s some flashes of light they are both back on their spaceship with no explanation. What were those lights? Magical fireflies?

9) Magical fireflies II

This time the fireflies take Kirk and Montgomery Scott to a water park.

10) Magical fireflies III

The magical fireflies can zap everyone to safety except Spock’s mother? Are the fireflies misogynists?

11) They never show the man behind the curtain.

If you’re going to have these fireflies appear out of nowhere all the time at least show the wizard casting his spell. You show us elves but don’t give us wizards? That makes no sense.

12) Magical Fireflies, the final screw-up.

Scotty tells Kirk and Spock that they will be magically edited onto Nero’s ship in an area free of bad guys. Two seconds later Kirk and Spock appear in an area FULL OF BAD GUYS. How can you forget what you said just 2 seconds ago Mr. Scott?

13) A Rainbow Coalition.

Why is everyone wearing different colored uniforms? These people are in the military, not an Old Navy ad.

14) No pockets.

You would think that military uniforms would still have pockets for holding vital equipment, but no, that would probably clash with the ship’s décor.

15) A rose by any other name is not a fucking rose.

The doctor is called Bones despite not being a skeleton.

16) Recycled footage I

The movie starts with Captain Kirk and his spaceship fighting Captain Nero and his spaceship. The movie ends with Captain Kirk and his spaceship fighting? Yeah, you guessed it, Captain Nero and his spaceship.

17) Lighting problems.

In the bedroom scene (was this perversion really necessary?) the lighting is horribly off and makes one of the women appear a sickly hue of green.

18) Kleenex on scene 12.

An elf kid is shown sitting with a green blob on his lip. They should have cleaned that up in between takes.

19) You call that fencing?

Sulu says he knows fencing but during his fight he does not use a fencing sword. Were rapiers and epés outlawed in the future?

20) Wictor, Wictor. What did you just say comrade?

The ship is called the USS Enterprise. That’s United States Spaceship. No Russians allowed.

21) Do they shine in the daylight?

Spock (and his elderly stand-in) are shown flying a ship fueled by blood, an attempt to cash in on the popular Twilight movie.

22) Hey Harold, where’s Kumar?

They might as well have had him, you’d need to be stoned to enjoy this movie.

23) I didn’t see Joe Rogan anywhere.

How many places did this movie steal from? The bug eating scene is clearly taken from Fear Factor.

24) Time Travel problem.

You can’t travel through time without a Delorean. Everyone knows this.

25) Two parachutes.

Kirk parachutes onto a platform. Then he parachutes off the platform with Sulu, where did the second parachute come from?

26) Flagship.

They call the Enterprise the flagship despite the total lack of flags inside and outside the ship.

27) Security Cameras catch Kirk and Scotty at the water park.

Is this a spaceship or a 7/11?

28) Recycled footage II

We see Spock watch Vulcan get destroyed. A few minutes later we see Spock watching Vulcan get destroyed again.

29) Uhura’s Neck Bolt.

If Spock and Uhura had a baby would it be part elf, part Frankenstein?

30) Something seems fruity.

Apparently eating an apple gives you the ability to win an unwinable scenario. Did the orange lobby not offer enough money?

31) No Robots?

How can they make us believe the movie is in the future if they don’t show any robots?

32) In the pocket of big apples.

Throwing out the cores saves the day? Think we wouldn’t notice this subliminal message Mr. Abrams?

33) Two races of elves.

Was there a sale on elf ears at Costco? There’s no other reason why the Romulans should look so much like the Vulcans.

34) Ship? More like Shit.

The design of the Enterprise is crap. It looks like a tampon attached to a tea saucer.

35) Spaceshit II

The ship is not aerodynamic in the slightest. They would go a lot faster if they had some fins and a spoiler on the rear.

36) Whatever happened to Baby Jim?

After the birth of baby Jim we never hear about him again.

37) Disobedient crew.

Someone yells “Raise shields” and not one crew member lifts up a shield.

38) Audio Problem.

Sometimes during scenes in space there is no sound. The rookie in charge of the sounds, named Ben Burrt, should have been fired.

39) Should have had a closed set.

During some scenes, if you look closely you’ll notice that a 20th century car is in scenes that are supposed to take place in the future.

40) Say what?

The elderly stand-in for Spock tells Kirk, “I am and always have been your friend.” No he hasn’t. Spock and Kirk are enemies, was the old man not paying attention to what the real Spock actor had been doing in the rest of the movie?

41) Ahh’ll be Baack?

Early on the movie has a screen that says TERMINATED on it for no apparent reason other than to be used in promotional footage to trick people into thinking this is the new Terminator movie.

42) Where did all the elf boys go?

Early on there are a bunch of elf boys fighting. These kids are never seen again in the movie.

43) Hair Club for Elves.

Spock’s hairstyle went out with the Beatles in the 60′s.

44) Development Hell.

You know a movie will be bad when it takes a long time to make it. This movie has been in production for at least a decade. The action figures for the movie came out over 10 years ago.

45) Elves have poor memories.

Nero is angry at Spock and wants to kill him, but Spock acts like he doesn’t know who Nero is. This is illogical.

46) Elves have rheumatoid arthritis.

It seems weird to give an entire species a crippling condition that makes their fingers stick together in pairs everytime they raise their hand.

47) Guard rails.

These futuristic ships don’t have simple anti-fall-to-your-doom technology that we have and enjoy today.

48) Yelling out the wrong name.

At one point the actor playing Spock messes up his line by addressing Uhura as Nyota. You’d think the editors would have caught this one.

49) Blatant product placement.

In the bar, Uhura orders a Sluhso. Couldn’t get enough funding so you had to whore yourself out to big-Slusho Mr Abrams?

50) 4+4 = 1?

In the bar, Kirk is facing four guys when he tells the lead guy that he should bring more guys to make it a fair fight. How can Kirk be a genius if he doesn’t even know simple math.

Once again, I have been Dr. Lucius Cambridge, PhD. Thank you.

Chapter One: DEATH FINDS A PHALLUS

I could see them in the distance. They were fighting.

Sparks flew into the evening air. I stopped, scratched my itchy ass and began to move closer. The two fighters were still a few rooftops away and I wanted to see this battle up close. I’d never seen a live sword fight before, and even from this distance the sight was entrancing.

I was walking among the rooftops for my own security, I wondered why these combatants were dueling up in my domain. Well, it wasn’t really my domain, but I walked the rooftops most mornings and nights, avoiding some of the tougher residents on my block. They didn’t seem to like me and I quickly found out that I was allergic to punches. I suppose had I been taller everything would have been easier. An extra foot and I’d be 6’6″ or is it 6″6′, I don’t know. At that height my 200 pound frame would be normal and I wouldn’t be constantly out of breath.

I guess I don't really live in that great an area of town.

I was now two rooftops away and could feel the energy of the fighters coursing through the air. Both men had long, slender swords. Neither of them talked, except for the occasional grunt when their swords hit each other hard. My heart was throbbing and pulsing like crazy. I didn’t even know who to cheer for.

If it had been two women fighting I would have sided with the hottest one, but these were dudes and I wasn’t strong enough to accept that a dude could be hot. The men never noticed me. Their bodies moved as if they were in a big, gay, musical dance. I quietly moved up to the rooftop adjacent to the two men and hid behind an exhaust vent. I could smell sweat mixed with exhaust fumes and some other scent whose name was on the tip of my tongue.

It was then that I saw that the men weren’t always holding their swords and yet somehow the swords stayed upright. I looked closer and realized the truth:

Those weren’t swords; they were dongs.

I had heard rumors at school and on the internet about cockfights but never believed them. My cheeks blushed as I realized that these guys were better endowed than a bailed out bank. It was like watching a car accident, you wanted to look away and yet you couldn’t help but look at the dongs- I mean, the severed arms.

The whirling motion of their cock battle made it hard to see where one dong ended and the other began. The red-haired fighter was on the offensive, thrusting furiously and forcing the dark-haired fighter dangerously close to the edge of the rooftop.

IT WAS JUST LIKE THIS

“I’ve got you now!” said the offensive cocker (I was later told is the proper term for a cock fighter) as he raised his gleaming metallic phallus for a kill stroke.

“Kill me and you’ll never learn the secret!” said the defensive cocker.

“What secret? I wasn’t sent here to gather secrets.”

“That’s because Lord Steele doesn’t want you to find out, lest you try to overthrow him.”

“That’s just bullsh-!”

The red-haired cocker was interrupted by a quick thrust from the dark-haired cocker who spun away from the roof’s edge and flopped around until he was back in the middle. I decided then to root for the dark haired man.

The red-haired cocker charged and slashed. The dark-haired cocker dodged to the right and spun around, delivering a roundhouse phallus slap to his dongponent’s face. The mushroom shadow on his face already forming, the red-haired cocker yelled out a primal scream that sounded more bestial than human.

The fight raged on, thrusts and parries coming frequently. The red-haired man jumped back from the action and tried to spin his dong around for a side swipe. The dark-haired cocker saw this used his arm as a shield. The sound of an arm bone snapping echoed into the sky.

“You Goddamn cockblocker!” shouted the red-haired man.

The dark-haired man winced for only a moment before recovering. “Try that again and you’ll be back to having just two legs,” he said.

The red-haired devil of a man came charging, yelling profanities as he went. The dark-haired cockmaster jumped into the air, far higher than a normal human should be able to, and landed his mighty weapon on the red-haired assailant’s shoulder, splitting it open.

The red-haired cocker fell down, splayed against the rooftop like a rag doll on top of a broom.
The dark-haired cocker made a motion as if he were going to turn his back to the red-haired man, but didn’t. Turning your back on an opponent is a really stupid thing for a hero to do. He went towards the fallen man and stabbed him in the face with his meat sword. The large metallic dong went right through the man’s head exiting out the other side.

“I guess you could say… you’re a dickhead.” said the dark-haired champion. He looked around as if wanting to have an audience for that quip.

I wanted him to get the laugh he deserved SO BAD.

I was nervous now. If I didn’t do anything soon the man would likely run off; I highly doubt he wanted to explain a dead man on the roof top with a penis the size of a python.

The man tensed up and looked like he was concentrating extremely hard, then I noticed that his weapon was shrinking! It slithered back into his pants, normal sized. The man pulled a small shiny patch out of his pants pocket and put it in the crotch area, covering the large hole that had been there during the fight.

He smiled.

Then he slipped on a banana peel and cracked his skull.

“Nooooooooo!” I cried, I don’t know why.

I ran over to the man who was now breathing heavily. “Who… are… what are…” said the man in gasps.

“I’m Jesse,” I said. I took off my jacket and placed it under the man’s head. “You’re going to be okay,” I told him. But he wasn’t, I could see blood pouring out of his wound.

“I’m dying,” he said.

“Yeah, sucks to be you,” I said. I realized I can really be an asshole at times. The man didn’t seem to care, he laughed instead. He tried to lean up to see me better but his head fell back after a few seconds of effort.

“I… I…” he sputtered. “That man I killed, he was part of an evil clan of cockfighters.”

“Cockfighters?”

“Yes, that is what we are called. What other name would you give to guys who fight with their schlongs?”

“I don’t know,” I said. I thought hard for a moment. “Dick fencers? Dongbatants?”

The man sighed.

“Never mind that. I’m dying and I need your help.”

“What could I possibly do to help?”

“You must take my power and use it for good”

Thoughts started flooding into my mind like sperm into a pornstar’s face. Take his power? Would that mean I would have a mighty long dong? I liked the idea, but then there was all the talk about fighting evil cockfighters.

This was one of the images that flooded my mind. I don't know why.

“I can’t,” I said at last.

“You must, otherwise the world will be destroyed.”

“Oh sure, I don’t do this and the whole world gets destroyed. You’re the one who tripped on a damn banana peel.”

“I know, I, Falush Bonerty, have failed. My dishonor is complete. But there is still hope. Take my power and my apartment.”

“Apartment!” I replied. “Why didn’t you say that in the first place?” (I was really sick of living with my parents.)

“What do I have to do?” I asked.

Falush grunted and reached for his crotch plate, removing it. His normal sized dong sprang out and almost touched me. I jumped back.

Falush squeezed his eyes and concentrated hard and the normal dong turned into the mighty meat sword once again. This time it did hit me and knocked me on top of Falush.

(If you’ve ever been dying and had a 200 pound man-child fall on you I can assure you it’s not fun, because that’s what Falush told me immediately after I got off him.)

“Now I must invoke the spirits of manhood.” said Falush, straining with each word.

“What do I do?” I asked again.

“You must suckle the weapon.”

I threw up on Falush, which he also did not like.

“I was joking, you dumbass,” he said. “Just hold my hand and repeat after me.”

I grabbed his hand. He started to chant.

“Sacktu Ballsada Dickto.”

I repeated the words with him. He kept saying them, and although his voice was weakening, the words seemed to grow stronger. In a swift movement, Falush took my hand and placed it on his junk. He screamed out “SACKTU BALLSADA DICKTO ERECTORALI!” and his hand and his sword went limp.

The power flowing through my junk at that moment was indescribable.

I felt a surge of power running through my veins. My groin started to hurt as if something was crushing my manliness. I realized I was growing, down there, in my penile area.

I struggled to pry off my jeans (Goddamn button fly.) My pants fell down to my ankles. A mighty meat serpent coiled around my leg. It went from a peachy pink to a shiny gray.

I felt like a man with a cannon between his legs. Nothing was going to stop me. I gazed at my mighty cock sword for 2 hours. It got very cold up on the rooftop and my manhood began to shrivel.

“Shit, shrinkage,” I thought to myself. I wanted to preserve this moment but it was going away. I threw my jeans atop my bulge trying to keep it warm, but it was no use. After a minute I was back to normal (well, normal for me.) It got the job done is what I’m saying.

I felt a tingling sensation in my hand, the hand, I realized, that had held onto Falush’s dong. I looked at my hand and it was burning. Steam rose from it and I swished it away with my other hand. There were tiny words on my hand, as if they had been burned in with silver. I didn’t know then but know now that Farush had used dongscription to write some final instructions on my hand. It was a list.

It read:
1) Apartment: 4004 Wellingston Apt 503

2) Password: ferretfarts89

3) Stay aroused.

4) Don’t tell anyone your secret.

5) (Unless it’s for sexual conquest.)

6) Choose a name.

…and that was all that was written.

The apartment was on the other side of town, I wouldn’t be able to make it there on this night. But I wanted to pick my name right away. I rubbed my balls for a while, thinking of various names with puns and dozens of different ways to say penis.

Then it came to me and slapped me like a $20 transsexual hooker (see Chapter 3 for an explanation!)

I stood on the edge and thought of Lindsay Lohan, not skinny, drug addict Lindsay, but big boobed barely legal Lindsay.

The surge in my loins warmed up my body and I sprang to life, larger than life really. I opened my mouth and shouted

“I AM IRONCOCK MCLONGSHAFT!”

Then I went home and looked at porn.