By Jay Thomas

It may sound weird to some readers, but I haven’t listened to pop music since N*sync broke up. I shudder to think that there is a correlation there, but I digress.

"Music peaked with N*Sync" - TLG Contributor Jay Thomas

Don’t get me wrong, I still listen to the radio, but only for sports talk, because I’m a man. A man that loves sports and steak and boobies and any combination of those. But I prefer listening to uncensored, uninterrupted music on my mp3 player rather than going through the torture of local DJ’s and what I assume is shitty music. But that is really an unfair assessment. After all, how can I judge what I have not listened too? It is with that cavalier attitude that I resolved to listen to a few popular songs.

Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: 3oh!3, black-eyed peas, death is too good for Jay Thomas, fergie, Jay, Jay Thomas hates America, Jay Thomas is a Communist, lady gaga, music, Nonfiction, nsync, pitbull, Reviews

Hey, Malcolm here. I’m really sorry about the recent lapse in updates. As you can see, the site has a new look to it, and also a few different things. For one, there is a forum now, where you can all go and yammer to your heart’s content. And eventually there will be a proper Archive, once I finish making the thumbnails. And, most exciting, by this time tomorrow we ought to have a proper site logo, with an easily merchanisable mascot animal and everything!

Anyhow, this is all a very roundabout method of telling you lovely people that update droughts like this are not something we here at TLG plan on making a habit of, and in that spirit, here’s a little poem Jay whipped up in honor of Memorial Day.*

FUCK YOU, THIS IS A MEMORIAL DAY POEM

By Jay Thomas

Twas the day of Memorial, as I sat in my room
Watching t.v., and tripping on shrooms.
While a dragon and elf made love in my bed.
I sincerely hoped they were just in my head.

The summer was sweltering, humid and hot.
“Shit! I need fireworks.” I said as I thought.
Excited and smiling, I rose to my feet.
Then the elf winked at me and said, “take a seat.”

Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: dragon, elf, elf-dragon sex, Fiction, fireworks, furry dragons in elf asses, gay dragons, gay elf sex, hot dogs, Jay, Malcolm, memorial day

By Jay Thomas

Dear Ignorant Cunt Who Ran Me Off The Road,

I hope this letter finds you well, as you were obviously too preoccupied with some personal problem to check your blind spot before merging into my lane. Elementary physics tells us that two objects cannot occupy the same space simultaneously. Obviously you don’t quite grasp this concept, as you attempted to disprove it with your mid-80s-model Tercel.

This blatant disregard for the core tenets of physics and basic spatial relationships should have come as no surprise to me, as you were somehow able to wedge your cellulite-addled girth into that poor compact car despite the fact that, to the naked eye, there should have been no way to force your way through the rusted red door. I have my own theories on how you were able to manipulate the enumerable rolls of lard, like those that hung so heavily from your bulldog-like jowls. These theories involve manipulation of cabin pressure by way of a large vacuum. Regardless of how you managed it, the feat remains impressive.

Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: fat bitches acting like they're shit, impolite behaviour, Jay, Nonfiction, road rage

By Jay Thomas

It’s been said that Barack Obama has set a new standard for African-American achievement. Alliteration aside, Obama ran a campaign that promised change. And change he brought. Sure, the whole culmination of the ideals brought forth in the Civil Rights movement seems important, but can we look past race for a moment to perhaps an even more significant stride in equal rights? I’m talking, of course, about making fun of the mentally handicapped.

Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: Jay, morally-relativistic outrage, Obama, racism, Satire, special olympics