This past Christmas, my son received a Star Wars branded fishing pole from a relative. It was literally a small child-sized fishing pole with Darth Vader on the reel and R2D2 on a disk at the end of the line. It made no sense whatsoever. Even I, one who had never seen the trilogy before had a hunch that there was little to no fishing involved. Unless I was about to stumble upon a touching reconciliation-themed fishing trip between evil dark overlord and son, I’m pretty sure someone would have mentioned a desire to toss a line over the hull of the Millennium Falcon on their bucket list. But, as baffling as that toy is, I really dig it. The kids rarely pay attention to it, preferring instead the far more logical Spongebob fishing pole. That leaves me to absent-mindedly flick it across the room while sitting at the computer. I think it’s because the pole and I are a kindred spirit of sorts.

If you take the entire genre of science fiction out of the Nerd Equation, my geek pedigree is as pure and true as toothless and sickly British royalty. I was in the marching band (brass playas, holla), I was an organizer of the high school Renaissance Fair, I played weekly D&D games, and I followed Kevin Smith movie with a zeal that would rival the most pasty of virgins. Science fiction was just something I never got into. So ignorant I was of even the most basic of references, I sometimes felt like a branding mistake. No matter how thick my black-rimmed glasses were, my knowledge was as relevant as a Star Wars fishing pole.

This might soon change. I actually really dug The Empire Strikes Back. So much so that I had to stop myself from reaching for the next installment less this article be soiled by too much knowledge. But lets get the surprises out of the way first:

* I was expecting more action.

* I was expecting Billy Dee Williams to be an active rebel who turns out to be an Imperial spy.

* I was expecting Han’s “I know” to be a completely different tone.

* I was expecting Luke’s hand to stay off.

The Empire Strikes Back was about a thousand times better than A New Hope. Both the actors and the characters were more mature and more interesting to watch. Instead of a whiny teenager, Luke’s now a petulant young man and a cross between impatience and hubris. Which sounds unpleasant, but is actually refreshing in its realism. Darth Vader’s vulnerability is more apparent, but I’m not sure if they hinted at this in the first one since I was slightly drunk. And although Han and Leah’s Sam and Diane shtick was overplayed, annoying, and retardedly dialogued, it mercifully stopped when Billy Dee’s smoooooothness came into the picture. Smooth.

Plus, there was the added bonus of finally getting pathetically specific references!

"HNNNNNNNNNN"

"NRRRRRRRRRRRRR"

-words from a cartoon-

-words from Star Wars-

I know there’s more, but I’m working backwards here.

Oh, man and there’s so much more in store for me! Finally caring about Randall’s Death Star rant on Clerks! Finally getting about one quarter of the Craption submissions at Cracked! Not being made fun of by Derek over at the comic book store! (I hate him so much.) But I don’t see this turning into a faggathon in the way of dressing up at conventions and whatnot. I just think it was a very cool movie that I’ll probably watch again one day.

Now, on to Return of the Jedi!

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AND NOW, THE SITE NEWS WITH MALCOLM

Finally, look for me to be posting some of the wacky shit I’ll be making as part of my school assignments. Technically everything I create while attending VFS is property of the school, but apparently they will very politely not sue me so long as I don’t sell it. So don’t nobody go giving me huge sums of money for the things I make, because that would be awful.

Now, don’t get me wrong.   I’m pretty nerdy.   I was in band in high school (First Chair Trumpet players holla) and played Dungeons and Dragons pretty regularly for a couple of years.  I’m pasty, white, and just overweight enough to qualify for the Dork Olympics, but it’s the lack of tar Wars trivia knowledge that keeps me out of the trials.  Recently I decided that it was time to finally lose my Star Wars virginity, and as any planned virginity loss calls for, I bought champagne.

I'll be the first to admit that I got a little carried away.

Also, let me be clear that this isn’t the first time I attempted to watch Star Wars.  Nor am I completely ignorant about what happens in it.  Let’s start with what I know.

A) Luke Skywalker is living with his aunt and uncle on some planet.

B) Darth Vader’s real name is Anakin Skywalker, and is Luke’s father.

C) Leia is Luke’s twin sister.

D) Frank Oz is a Jedi warrior, and is played by a backward-talking Muppet.

E) Someone gets his hand cut off.

F) I alone can change and tame Han Solo, and I have a 6-part fanfic to back me up.

"Oh Han!" I cried. "Make my Kessel run!"

So with the thirty-year-old spoilers out of the way, let’s begin a journey I’ve been putting off for 15 years.

- Feb 4, 8:00 PM

I open the champagne and settle in from of the laptop with a heavy heart.   I was really looking forward to going to my grave leaving my Star Wars cherry intact.   I don’t bother to read the scroll-up, as I’ve seen Space Balls countless times and am pretty sure I’ve got the gist of the story.

- 8:15 PM

Yet again, I’m struck with how utterly boring this movie is.  Years ago, when episode Whatever was released I borrowed the trilogy from my dungeon master so I could be a little more knowledgeable about the story.  I’m pretty sure I turned it off right away and just played Spyro the Dragon for a few hours instead.

Now that I think about it, Spyro would have made an excellent addition to the Star Wars cast. Lucas, phone me.

- 8:25 PM

As Luke pulls up to the charred corpse of his aunt and uncle, one thing is clear- this is going to require a lot more booze.   I send my husband to the store for a six pack of beer and a small bottle of vodka.

- Feb 5, 9:00 AM

What the hell happened?  Oh God, my head.

"Mrrraa- AAAGH! Okay, don't panic. I'm sure there's an excellent reason that I'm an anime character now."

- Feb 6, 8:00 PM

Okay, look. You need to finish this.   I know it doesn’t interest you in the slightest, and the characters are at this point tired and two dimensional, but this needs to be done.  So, who’s going to watch Star Wars? Who’s going to finish this shit and get it over with, huh?  You, Erica.  That’s who.  That’s right.  Erica will finish Star Wars.

- 8:20 PM

There’s a great disturbance in the Force and I’m dying inside.

- 8:30 PM

I decide to look up the details of the “Stormtrooper effect”, or the Principles of Evil Marksmanship, where the bad guy is a shitty shot and the hero has perfect aim, despite having little training and is most likely a lot more nervous.  I’ve noticed this in quite a few action movies and whatnot, and according to Wikipedia, it was Roger Ebert who coined the term and still uses it in his reviews.   Just thought that little tidbit was more interesting than what I’m watching right now.

- 9:00 PM

Oh wow! A space battle!  Is Luke going to fail his newly found ideals and skills?!   Is Han Solo going to keep to the meaning of his very symbolic name and abandon the rebel cause?!  Are the scrappy group of do-gooders going to fail after everything we’ve been through?!   Oh, sweet baby Jesus I can’t take the suspense!

- 9:15 PM

Thank God that’s over.  So, the rebel cause is safe for another day.  But what does tomorrow bring?

Another fucking Star Wars movie, of course.  See you next time, kids.

In early 2005, McDonald’s began running banner ads featuring an incredulous-looking guy claiming he’d enjoy fucking a cheeseburger.  Apparently, McDonald’s misunderstood the meaning of the lingo, “I’d hit it.” This leads me to believe that the McDonald’s higher-ups don’t leave their gold-painted mansions long enough to know that “I’d hit it” alludes to sex, and not food. Either that, or McDonald’s executives are so bizarrely old and out of touch that they also think a shiny new buffalo nickel can get you a swell ferry ride. But I suppose sex with a sandwich can be done, provided the cheese was cooled off and ketchup was used as a lubricant. Notice that I didn’t include a special sauce joke, as that’s tired and boring. Take note.

According to McDonald's, Michael's use of this burger is highly inappropriate. Though that was probably already true.

The Fallout

McDonald’s immediately pulled the ad and embarrassed cheeseburger enthusiasts pulled their pants up and ran inside when they realized the revolution hadn’t quite started yet.  McDonald’s apologized and admitted they were unfamiliar with the way we young ruffians talk.  What with the slang, insults to mothers, and parachute pants.  Unfortunately for McDonald’s, once something is online, it’s always online, and the banner ad was copied and pasted into the depths of the series of tubes.  Interestingly enough, it spawned some pretty decent parody ads.

Walmart Subtly Introduces Their Final Solution

In November of 2006, a blogger noticed something a little strange about a t-shirt at her local Wal-Mart.  Besides the fact that it probably smelled like crushed animal crackers and the spirit of the American working man, it featured a skull logo that just so happened to also be used by the 3rd SS Division Totenkopf; or to those of us who aren’t better than everyone else with our infinite wealth of history trivia, a bunch of military Nazis.  It turned out that Wal-Mart was just copying the work of hack thieving douchebag “artist” Shep Fairey, the clothing designer who makes those OBEY GIANT shirts worn by those guys who skateboard in my empty pool and need haircuts.

GET A JOB

Anyway, it appears that the dude who ripped off Fairey while Fairey was ripping off the Nazis sold a shit-load of t-shirts to Wal-Mart, who being the paragon of business ethnics and superb customer service that they are, took 62 weeks to remove the shirts after being made aware of the origins of the skull logo.  Fairey, on the other hand decided that looking like an asshole is better than looking like an idiot and chose to pretend that he was aware of the skull’s meaning, but that’s just how edgy he is.  Man, you can’t keep a Fairey down.

Fairey-Douchemother

The Fallout

Wal-Mart issued the usual apology while Fairey quietly reported the shirts as being out of stock.  The OBEY executives went on to live a life of hair always being in their faces and Walmart tried to quietly sweep it under the rug, especially since they were just coming off of a advertisement debacle featuring Nazi book burnings.  Stay classy, Wal-Mart.

Bernard Madoff Tells His Kids His Dirty Secret

In late 2008 Bernard Madoff, who ran a… uh… money making… something-or-other was arrested for… ahh… something illegal.  From what my feeble female brain can gather, Madoff was running a giant Ponzi scheme, where previous investors were being payed from the monies of new investors, and Madoff Money Makers Company or something weren’t actually investing their money in anything. In all fairness, there were questions about Madoff’s methods as far back as 1999, and one of little feeder companies was investigated back in 1992, but I imagine Madoff distracted them with something shiny.  Apparently, nothing official happened until Madoff made a tearful and possibly drunken confession to his two sons (who both worked for Mad Madoff’s Money Mill) and they immediately went to the authorities to turn their dad in.  I’m trying to imagine what the Christmas card read like:

"Boy, what a year!"

The Fallout

Hard to say, being that it’s still going on.  Bernie’s Bullion Bakers, or whatever it’s called is in the process of being liquidated, and estimates of the money lost runs up to $50 billion.  Quite a few billionaires have lost a few million bucks, and sadly may have to settle for a cheaper jet lease this new year as a result of Madoff’s trickery.  And what is probably the only tragic part of all this is the fact that although Madoff was apparently a chode of the lowest order, his family did donate millions of dollars annually to various charities, which he of course convinced them to reinvest with him.  Hah, fuck you starving orphans and cancer victims!

FAGS

Viacom Tries To Destroy The Internet

As all of us pasty and overweight keyboard jockeys are aware of, Viacom- a gigantic TV conglomerate- tried to sue Google and Youtube for $1 billion back in 2007 and successfully had 100,000 videos taken down, much to the chagrin of Daily Show and Southpark fans everywhere.  Much like the Metallica vs. Napster debacle years before, Viacom tried to come off as humble artists and workers, just trying to protect their creative essence from being sucked out by the evil Skeksis-like Google.  But what Viacom failed to take note from what Metallica learned back in the day, the internet has made us not only more clever, but embittered and quick-witted.  We can now tell the difference between a lone artist and the group of suits who take over ownership of other people’s creations. And while Viacom demanded the IP addresses of these thieving users to track them down (presumably to feed them to lions or eat a banquet in the glow of their burning bodies), Google and several privacy advocates balked and called them fags.

Here's a fun game: go to Wikipedia, and look up "Skeksis." Then look up "Sitophilia." Then imagine a Skeksis with Sitophilia. Then vomit.

The Fallout

Google and Viacom are still in the works of a settlement, but from the perspective of Youtube users, the broo-ha-ha seems to be slowly fading away. There was an irritating few weeks where it was impossible to find a clip of the Daily Show and you were forced to go to ComedyCentral.com and put up with their advertising bullshit to watch a thirty second clip. And if you wanted to watch a full episode, you either had to own a Tivo or watch it when it aired. But, that involved sitting through commercials for Drawn Together and hearing the braying voice of the Comedy Central spokesman. The good news is that this lawsuit finally made several communication companies realize that this new fangled internet thing wasn’t going to go away, and more companies began putting more and more of their stuff online. You can now watch 30 Rock on both NBC.com and Hulu, and the Daily Show has it’s own website where you can watch months of episodes while quietly weeping to yourself for a lack of social life.