The Last Gaffe

For When The Last Word Just Isn’t Enough

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Malcolm’s Massage Dos and Don’ts

Sep 29

Posted by admin in Malcolm, Nonfiction

by Malcolm Christiansen

At some point in your life, it is inevitable that you are going to give a massage. This situation might be as agreeable as having an attractive member of the opposite sex playfully disrobe and demand that you lay their hands upon their body, or you might be so unlucky as to be a professional masseur and thus be forced to touch people that don’t give you a boner.

Whatever the case, the day will come when you suddenly have your hands full of a person who is expecting a good experience. Luckily, I’m a fully-qualified toucher of people, and I’m more than happy to lend you the benefits of my years of experience in handling the flesh of others.

Collected below are a list of easy-to-master tips and tricks, as well as advice for navigating common pitfalls of skin-rubbing. Let’s jump right in!

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Regular Updates Resume Tomorrow!

May 13

Posted by admin in Malcolm, Site News & Bloggery

By Malcolm Christiansen

Nine straight months of radio silence! That’s pretty impressive, assuming you’re the type of person who is impressed by Dickensian levels of neglect.

Yes, like it says in the title, shit is getting red-hot awful soon. The end of my schooling is drawing tantalizingly near, which means that my priorities once more place writing stuff for the internet at the top of the heap!

So stay tuned – Jeff, Jay, Michael, and myself are going to be tearing it up on this comedy dance floor, just you wait.

Until then, why not check out this absolutely fucking incredible music produced by Alijah Ladd, a young fellow in my game design class? He deserves the attention!

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Jeff Vs. Amateur Webcomics

Aug 26

Posted by admin in Jeff, Reviews

By Jeff Kelly

I’ll be the first to admit, I don’t know a lot about webcomics. I know what they are, of course, and I know that in many cases they revolve around misunderstandings that result in dark and often grotesque shenanigans. You know, sort of like your average episode of Everybody Loves Raymond. On crack. Dirty, tainted, acid laced crack.

So that’s basically where we stand on the whole webcomic issue. I will admit, I’ve thought about doing my own webcomic, because back in the day I enjoyed cartooning and I try on occasion to be somewhat humorous. Plus, I just feel like there are oodles of visual jokes that can be made about woodchucks chucking wood. Seriously, oodles.

Right around the time I was considering doing my own webcomic, Malcolm shot me an e-mail that consisted of, for the first time since I began writing for The Last Gaffe, an actual assignment.

“John,” the e-mail began, as Malcolm clearly seemed to have forgotten my name:

Leave it up to Malcolm to send an e-mail on parchment paper, right?

Leave it up to Malcolm to send an e-mail on parchment paper, right?

Despite the fact that he called me by two wrong names and seemed a little too fascinated by the fact that concoct sort of sounds like a slang word for penis, I thought it was a worthy endeavor, and something of particular interest due to the whole me wanting to do a webcomic thing. It was serendipity, only without John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale and with actual humor.

And then it happened. I began looking up some webcomics, and I realized, to my horror, that Malcolm was indeed a heartless, soulless, possibly sexless bastard. Ladies and gentlemen, I learned what many of you already know. Amateur webcomics fucking suck.

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The Geekiness Strikes Back

Jul 2

Posted by admin in Erica, Nonfiction, Reviews, Site News & Bloggery

By Erica Cantin

This past Christmas, my son received a Star Wars branded fishing pole from a relative. It was literally a small child-sized fishing pole with Darth Vader on the reel and R2D2 on a disk at the end of the line. It made no sense whatsoever. Even I, one who had never seen the trilogy before had a hunch that there was little to no fishing involved. Unless I was about to stumble upon a touching reconciliation-themed fishing trip between evil dark overlord and son, I’m pretty sure someone would have mentioned a desire to toss a line over the hull of the Millennium Falcon on their bucket list. But, as baffling as that toy is, I really dig it. The kids rarely pay attention to it, preferring instead the far more logical Spongebob fishing pole. That leaves me to absent-mindedly flick it across the room while sitting at the computer. I think it’s because the pole and I are a kindred spirit of sorts.

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Phuck Phat Beats: My Foray Into The World Of Popular Music

Jun 23

Posted by admin in Jay, Nonfiction, Reviews

By Jay Thomas

It may sound weird to some readers, but I haven’t listened to pop music since N*sync broke up. I shudder to think that there is a correlation there, but I digress.

Music peaked with N*Sync - TLG Contributor Jay Thomas

"Music peaked with N*Sync" - TLG Contributor Jay Thomas

Don’t get me wrong, I still listen to the radio, but only for sports talk, because I’m a man. A man that loves sports and steak and boobies and any combination of those. But I prefer listening to uncensored, uninterrupted music on my mp3 player rather than going through the torture of local DJ’s and what I assume is shitty music. But that is really an unfair assessment. After all, how can I judge what I have not listened too? It is with that cavalier attitude that I resolved to listen to a few popular songs.

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50 Reasons The Star Trek Movie Sucks

Jun 15

Posted by admin in Fiction, Jonathan, Reviews

By Lucius Cambridge, PhD., Canadian Film Institute, on assignment in London, England

I am, was, a student of the dearly departed Dr. Albert Oxford. I was with him at the peak of Mount Everest when he tragically fell and careened off the rocks like a rag doll in the winter of 2007. Now that I have been acquitted of any wrong doing in my esteemed mentor’s tragic demise I can finally continue his work in the field of movie critique. And so I give to you the following.

50 Reasons The Star Trek Movie Sucks

1) Elves in space?

Elves have been popular ever since that dreadful “Lord” of the “Rings.” So this movie slaps on some elf ears to bring in the gay-elf loving crowd.

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Don’t Fear The Creeper: Seeking Arrangement

Jun 11

Posted by admin in Malcolm, Michael, Nonfiction, Pictures

By Malcolm Christiansen and Michael Rader

Malcolm: Sex! It’s fun, everyone wants it, and there are any number of ways to get it. But where can you go if you’re creepy, spastic, ugly, or just generally unfuckable? The Internet, of course! The Internet is choc-full of creeptastic homebodies hungering after a few sweaty minutes with the person of their choice; some of them are women, most of them are men, and they’re all downright terrifying!

Lucky for you, TLG is on the front line, keeping you safe from scary old men who want to fondle your parts by making ass-fun of the terrible personals they post. For every installment, two TLG contributors will make accounts on one of the many dating sites that populate this web of ours, be immediately inundated with moist fuck-mail, and reluctantly pick out several choice profiles to riff on.

In this inaugural installment of TLG’s newest feature, Michael and I will be examining Seeking Arrangement, a charmingly upscale little slice of webspace dedicated to connecting hot, lazy, young people with rich, horny old people in a process that is just this side of prostitution. In other words, it’s where sugar daddies come to find sugar babies, and that means some truly alarming personals. Let’s jump right into it!

“Muy intersante!  Verdad?”

Michael: Oh… oh man.

Michael: He’s almost 70.

Malcolm: The description of the type of arrangement he wants is what terrifies me the most.

Malcolm: “Satisfying.”

Malcolm: That could mean any number of gruesome things.

Michael: It could mean pumicing his feet for all these unassuming women know.

Malcolm: Or it could mean feasting thrice nightly on the blood of virgins pure.

Malcolm: He looks almost a little too proud of that boat, you know.

Malcolm: I am willing to bet all the cash in my wallet that it was carved from the bones of orphans.

Michael: “I will expect you to fuck the boat. Fucking the boat is a must.”

Michael: “And I will watch.”

Malcolm: “Fucking not of the boat will have consequences. The boat will ANGER.”

Malcolm: “The boat will fuck YOU.”

Michael: Was the boat made in Soviet Russia?

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Stories From Bible Camp: The Sheepening

Jun 4

Posted by admin in Michael, Nonfiction

By Michael Rader

I began attending bible camp during the summer at the earliest age possible, 8, and started working there at 13. My memories of camp at an early age are fuzzy at best and completely missing at worst. I’ve never been able to pay very much attention to my surroundings; often I was completely absorbed in doodling, flicking pieces of paper into the smelly kid’s hair or reading Song of Songs* and wondering what it was like to touch a boob. A girl boob.

Pictured: Girl boob, flourishing in its natural habitat.

Pictured: Girl boob, flourishing in its natural habitat.

All I recall from my first year is that I couldn’t remember my camp counselor’s face or name and often wound up in the wrong groups for activities, I vaguely remember getting hit in the face with a pillow and breaking my glasses, and I every so faintly recollect having a friend, “His name was Matt…or Mark…or something with an M,” I explained to my mom. She never could understand why I wanted to go back every year.

My third year at camp I got lost during a nature hike on a sheep farm.

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FUCK YOU, THIS IS A MEMORIAL DAY POEM

May 25

Posted by admin in Fiction, Jay, Malcolm

Hey, Malcolm here. I’m really sorry about the recent lapse in updates. As you can see, the site has a new look to it, and also a few different things. For one, there is a forum now, where you can all go and yammer to your heart’s content. And eventually there will be a proper Archive, once I finish making the thumbnails. And, most exciting, by this time tomorrow we ought to have a proper site logo, with an easily merchanisable mascot animal and everything!

Anyhow, this is all a very roundabout method of telling you lovely people that update droughts like this are not something we here at TLG plan on making a habit of, and in that spirit, here’s a little poem Jay whipped up in honor of Memorial Day.*

FUCK YOU, THIS IS A MEMORIAL DAY POEM

By Jay Thomas

Twas the day of Memorial, as I sat in my room
Watching t.v., and tripping on shrooms.
While a dragon and elf made love in my bed.
I sincerely hoped they were just in my head.

The summer was sweltering, humid and hot.
“Shit! I need fireworks.” I said as I thought.
Excited and smiling, I rose to my feet.
Then the elf winked at me and said, “take a seat.”

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