By Malcolm Christiansen

Even though producing and publishing top-grade internet comedy meets my financial needs in ways that most men can only dream of, sometimes I get a hankering for an honest day’s work amongst the little people. Or even nine hours of honest day’s work, five days a week, in the beating sunlight and blisteringly fresh Vancouver Island air.

Yes, I have recently found gainful employment with a local landscaping company. The Comox Valley (where I live,) houses many such businesses, as it also has the world’s largest population of retirees living in houses with yards that are far beyond their means to maintain. This means that basically anyone with a lawnmower, rake, and a truck to carry them around in can slap a phone number on a business card and have a hundred clients inside a week. I’m doing my best to avoid outright calling landscaping a conspiracy to take advantage of the elderly, but after two weeks on the job it’s pretty hard to see it any other way. In our defense, those octogenarians are totally asking for it.

"No, don't bother telling us your hourly rate, we'll just sign a cheque and leave it blank."

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Tags: backbreaking, blisters, callouses, exhaustion, hatred, heat, lawncare, Malcolm, Nonfiction, old people, sweat

By Bobby Ingram

When I got the word from Malcolm that I had been accepted as one of The Last Gaffe’s new writers, I was pretty amped about the whole thing. That feeling lasted for a solid fifteen minutes, before it turned into an intense sense of dread at my complete dearth of ideas for what to write. I hadn’t really been doing a lot of writing the past few weeks, and while many writers would come out of such a stretch with a back-up of great ideas just waiting to pour out of them, I came out with fresh memories of how much more fun Resident Evil 5 is than writing.

It's not racist because the girl's black, you guys!

And so I found myself staring blankly at a word document that was, well, blank, trying my damnedest to come up with something that would be both funny and a good introduction to the Last Gaffe audience. Something that truly captured who I am. Unfortunately, I didn’t have a whole lot of time to come up with something good because I was also in the process of moving to a new house. And then, in the process of moving, genius struck.

In the form of idiocy.

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Tags: anti-handyman, Bobby, child labor, crayon, crying, failure, Nonfiction, persistent virginity, Pictures, utter incompetence

By Daniel Dean

Every show is somebody’s favorite. I’m not just talking about the Sopranos or Cheers. I’m sure that somewhere out there is a Pink Lady and Jeff fan holding out for a miracle. When a network cancels a show it might be due to low ratings, public outrage, lack of sponsors, or other budgetary concerns. Maybe Bernie Mac died. The point is that usually we, the viewing public, know how the game is played so we learn to live with it.

That’s not always the case. Sometimes a show is cut down in its prime or before it even had a chance. In honor of the not-entirely-recent release of the complete Andy Richter Controls the Universe on DVD (including unaired episodes) I thought it would be a good idea to look at some comedy series that suffered that ignominy. This is by no means a complete list or even a complete list of our favorite canceled comedies but rather an ode to a few shows that don’t get enough love (and a couple that simply can’t get enough love.)

Right off the bat let me just say that we of TLG give special lifetime achievement recognition in the history of canned programs to Judd Apatow and Bryan Fuller. Freaks and Geeks, Dead Like Me, Undeclared, Pushing Daisies: these shows all had their own online petitions to “Save Our Show!” and complimentary pull-quotes etched on their tombstones. If we didn’t make this one entry it would be the whole article.

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Tags: arrested development, cancelled, covering big-tittied cheerleaders in whipped cream, Daniel, disappointment, family guy, frisky dingo, futurama, Lists, mst3k, mystery science theater 3000, Nonfiction, television, the tick

By Jonathan Kimak

Chapter One: DEATH FINDS A PHALLUS

I could see them in the distance. They were fighting.

Sparks flew into the evening air. I stopped, scratched my itchy ass and began to move closer. The two fighters were still a few rooftops away and I wanted to see this battle up close. I’d never seen a live sword fight before, and even from this distance the sight was entrancing.

I was walking among the rooftops for my own security, I wondered why these combatants were dueling up in my domain. Well, it wasn’t really my domain, but I walked the rooftops most mornings and nights, avoiding some of the tougher residents on my block. They didn’t seem to like me and I quickly found out that I was allergic to punches. I suppose had I been taller everything would have been easier. An extra foot and I’d be 6′6″ or is it 6″6′, I don’t know. At that height my 200 pound frame would be normal and I wouldn’t be constantly out of breath.

I guess I don't really live in that great an area of town.

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Tags: big dongs, cocks, dicks, dicks fighting other dicks, dicks upon dicks, dongs, Fiction, fighting, Jonathan, no girls allowed, not gay

By Jay Thomas

It’s been said that Barack Obama has set a new standard for African-American achievement. Alliteration aside, Obama ran a campaign that promised change. And change he brought. Sure, the whole culmination of the ideals brought forth in the Civil Rights movement seems important, but can we look past race for a moment to perhaps an even more significant stride in equal rights? I’m talking, of course, about making fun of the mentally handicapped.

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Tags: Jay, morally-relativistic outrage, Obama, racism, Satire, special olympics

I’ve changed a few things, and updated others!

- The results of our auditions are in, and we have five shiny new writers to fill your viewing holes with comedy! Please welcome Bobby Ingram, Pierre Singh O’Reilly, Daniel Dean, Johnathan Kimak, and Jay Thomas! I’ll be posting the first update from one of these new writers tomorrow. Are you excited? I’m excited.

- The Contributors page has been updated to include the new writers and their other internet writings! I’ve also changed the design a little; now instead of linking to individual articles the page links to site profiles. It keeps me from having to update the page every time they write something new (some of these guys are real assholes about getting new things published.)

- I’ve cut Jeff and Micheal’s Twitter feeds from the sidebar because MINE ARE THE ONLY THOUGHTS THAT MATTER. That, and I noticed that all three were taking a little too long to load and just generally cluttering things up. No more of that!

- I’ve been working on a proper, easier-to-navigate archive that’ll make it easier to find old articles and stuff. Look for that to go up in a week or two.

That’s all! Like I said, there will be hot, spicy new content tomorrow, so stay tuned!

Dear Anonymous Person Who Continually Breaks My Heart,

Hi, my name is Jeff and I’d like to talk to you about something.  No, not diabetes, that’s Brimley’s domain.  I’ve been writing for The Last Gaffe for a few months now, contributing articles here and there in addition to my occasional articles over at Cracked.  I read the fine work of my fellow Gaffers (except for Malcolm, of course) and, when their articles are submitted, I Digg them (again, apart from Malcolm).  I mean, I Digg the shit out of them.

I think it’s important to give and receive feedback on articles.  Good or bad, at least then you know that you’ve really touched the two or three people who have stumbled across the words you’ve put to paper (figuratively of course, since paper is zooming toward obsolete status with each passing day, sort of like video tapes and Canadians).  That’s how a writer grows, by reading the praise heaped upon him or herself and completely ignoring any criticisms or insults.

Should I? Nah, too easy.

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Tags: barely legal teen, diabeetus, furries, hayden panetierre, heartfelt plea, Jeff, Nonfiction, racism, whining

(Apart from the traffic they’ve been providing, I mean.)

1. They are incredibly sexy.

2. This one StumbleUpon user took off his shirt in front of me, and his muscles were huge.

3. StumbleUpon users make the best lovers.

4. Many StumbleUpon users can perform nine-item juggling by accident.

5. “StumbleUpon” is ancient Greek for “great hair.”

6. I have never seen a StumbleUpon user lose a dance competition.

7. StumbleUpon users can breathe underwater, and frequently use this talent to score sex from mermaids.

8. StumbleUpon users are great.

You knuckleheads rule.