Truth be told, I merely 'wuv' texting.

Disclaimer: All horrible text messages are entirely SIC, all spelling and grammatical errors have been left intact. I have not changed any names to protect the innocent; however, I have not changed my own name so who will protect me from the innocent?

Very recently I changed my phone number. Not because I meant to, but because the employees of Alltel are hilariously incompetent and couldn’t understand what I meant by wanting to renew an already existing contract and instead signed me up for an entirely new contract.

I soon discovered that the previous owner of my phone number was a rather popular person who apparently didn’t like her old friends enough to inform them of his/her new number.

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Tags: creepy perverts, cybersex, fucking with people, Micheal, mind games, Nonfiction, pregnancy

Today’s forum thing (and the last one I’m going to inflict upon you for the time being since my policy of hitting my writers until articles come out has finally paid off,) comes from this boring thread, which was started by an unfunny idiot who wanted people to come up with ways for him to get “revenge” on his neighbors who insisted upon having loud sex at all hours, apparently. It was a stupid thread started by a stupid person, and thankfully the thing I wrote is only related to it by the barest of lines.

"You passionate lovers are in for it once the Internet tells me what to do about your shenanigans!"

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Tags: Cracked, Cracked Forums, fake conversations, Fiction, Malcolm, meatloaf, Micheal is unreliable, Micheal sex, Scripts

The Last Gaffe is auditioning! A space has opened up on our roster, and we need a fifth contributor if we’re gonna be able to keep up the steady stream of comedy our readers have become accustomed to.

What Would Be Expected Of Me?

As a contributor, you’d be expected to write at least one article of around a thousand words per month. The site focuses on commentary and analysis of popular culture, with article topics being selected on a case-by-case basis. When you get an idea, we discuss it and I give you the go-ahead, whereupon you write the article on the word processor of your choice and e-mail it to me. You aren’t responsible for formatting and pictures, but if there’s a certain way you want something laid our or an image you want included, just let me know.

Beyond that, ideas and suggestions are always appreciated. TLG is something I do because I genuinely enjoy it, and I want to make sure that everyone with work published there are having a good time as well.

What Do I Get Out Of The Deal?

Beyond the camaraderie of your fellow contributors? Well, there’s a certain amount of exposure involved - we’re doing fairly well for a site with only about three months of regular updates under its belt. TLG receives over 1000 views per week, and that number has been steadily increasing.

All in all, it’s one more place where your name would show up online next to some very high-quality writing. If getting paid for writing internet comedy is essential to you, then I wish you good luck.

Is There A Form I Have To Fill Out Or Something?

All I ask is that you display genuine enthusiasm and give me some example of your previous writing to look over. It doesn’t have to be something published professionally (though that certainly wouldn’t hurt,) just something that will give me a sense of your writing voice and whether or not you’d fit in.

If you’re interested, leave a comment to this post or e-mail me at mchristiansen (at) thelastgaffe (dot) com.

Because I don’t think I mentioned this last time: since these are shorter pieces that I’m sure a large portion of my audience has already seen, this is going to be a three-update week. This is mostly being done to simultaneously silence my inner artist’s outraged cries at posting re-runs, and my outer audience’s deafening yawns of apathy at our glacial update schedule.

"Oh look, TLG updated. I guess I owe Todd in HR a dollar."

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Tags: Cracked, Cracked Forums, david wong, dick jokes, dicks, Fiction, I love dicks, Malcolm, sucking dicks, sucking up

I’ve been a little busy with my various schemes to put much thought into what I’m going to write next for this site. Since I don’t really feel like forcing anything, I figured I’d steal a trick from Jay Pinkerton and just post some dressed-up pieces I’ve written for the Cracked Forums over the past few months. Most of them were just spur-of-the-moment things I banged out when some random comment activated my imagination.

I’ll do my best to provide context and background, and also correct some of my more glaring mistakes of formatting and punctuation. Oh, and if this whole business seems uncharacteristically lazy and narcissistic, then you obviously haven’t seen my Twitter account.

Let me put it this way: Dane Cook LOVES my Twitter.

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Tags: 4chan, Anthony Clark, Cracked, Cracked Forums, Fiction, future, Malcolm, meme, Milhouse, Nedroid, Scripts, whimsy, Wikipedia

Ah, St. Patrick’s Day. The holiday that we like to forget is named in honor of the patron saint of Ireland who supposedly lead all of the snakes out of Ireland despite the pesky little fact that there weren’t any there to begin with, and just get piss drunk and headbutt complete strangers. The wearing of a Boston Celtics t-shirt is optional.

The patron saint of getting bombed in Beantown.

Wait, what? Drunk? Brawling? Are these the things we want to associate with the great island nation of Ireland? Apparently, the answer is yes. The drunken, brawling stereotype of Irishmen has long been perpetuated in literature, song, film and television. But where does it come from?

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Tags: drinking, fighting, green clovers, Irish, Jeff, justified racism, Nonfiction, orange stars, Pictures, pink hearts, purple horseshoes, red balloons, yellow moons

My job has essentially been the same for four years now, I sit on a chair for 8 hours in front of a computer eating Chex Mix and drinking Mountain Dew. I also turned 21 sometime during my employment and I began living on nothing more than Chex Mix and beer while at home. That’s also not to mention Filth I have put in my body for this very website (Now you got a lawsuit on your hands, Malcolm.). Needless to say, I am not in the best shape, and I have recently found myself gasping for air after menial tasks like bringing the mail in and climbing into bed.

So I discussed the possibility of getting a membership to our local YMCA with my wife, the conversation went something like this:

Me: It seems I’m a little out of shape…

My Wife: Yes you are.

Me: Well, I was about to say maybe I should get a membersh…

My Wife: Yes you should.

Above: Everything I need to enjoy.

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Tags: Cracked, Cracked Forums, fitness, hairy men, locker room, meat sandwich, Michael, michael showing his penis to children, Nonfiction, YMCA

So, Daniel Dean of the Comic Book Closet put out a call for reviews of Watchmen. This isn’t the sort of thing I normally do; while it’s obvious that my opinion will now and forever be the only one that matters, I find it tiresome explaining that to people. However, I noticed that in his call Daniel failed to make any kind of specifications geared towards the tone, quality, focus, or seriousness of these reviews, and my interest was instantaneously piqued. It takes some serious balls to make that kind of pointed omission in a cattle call; specifically, serious balls that dangle tantalizingly around snap-kicking height.

I Googled "male crotch balls" without thinking of the consequences, and I just don't have the heart to inflict what I saw on the rest of you, so here are some Husky puppies instead.

With that out of the way, let’s get down to business! For the purposes of this review, I’m going to assume a few things:

- That you have read the graphic novel on which the film is based

- That you don’t care about spoilers, and

- That you are going to go somewhere else after reading this to get a serious, well-reasoned viewpoint, because you sure as fuck aren’t going to get that here.

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Tags: big blue dongs, comic books, Malcolm, Nonfiction, other sites, persistent virginity, Reviews

Last November, the US made a giant social leap forward with the landslide election of Barack Obama. People wanted a change, and so far…well, change takes time. But that’s neither here nor there.

The fact remains that we still live in uncertain times, and more and more of us are being forced to sell ourselves on the street in order to simply pay our bills. In these trying times, we look to our leaders to guide us through to better days. At the end of the day, at least we can all take solace in the fact that we won’t have to rely on these fictional presidents, none of whom would ever get re-elected…

Billy Bob Thornton as The U.S. President (Love Actually)

"Suck my dick, England."

How He Fucked Up

For years, the US and England were like bickering siblings, and like many brothers who grew up hating each other and beating each other up, they gradually grew to be great friends. And then, a U.S. president like the one portrayed by Billy Bob comes along and fucks everything up because he decides he wants his older brother’s new woman. And then you know shit is on!

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Tags: dicks, Jeff, Lists, movies, Nonfiction, nuking houston and other questionable policies, presidents