Out of the many movies that get a shocked reaction from people when I confess I’ve never seen them- Top Gun, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, Citizen Kane- Star Wars is usually the most jaw-dropping.

Now, don’t get me wrong.   I’m pretty nerdy.   I was in band in high school (First Chair Trumpet players holla) and played Dungeons and Dragons pretty regularly for a couple of years.  I’m pasty, white, and just overweight enough to qualify for the Dork Olympics, but it’s the lack of tar Wars trivia knowledge that keeps me out of the trials.  Recently I decided that it was time to finally lose my Star Wars virginity, and as any planned virginity loss calls for, I bought champagne.

I'll be the first to admit that I got a little carried away.

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Tags: blasphemy, dicks, Erica, Nonfiction, star wars, unpopular opinions

In grudging acknowledgment of Valentine’s Day, I’ve decided to use the occasion as a springboard for talking about how gay I am not.

It’s come to my attention that there are certain unnamed parties that are of the opinion that I am a profligate homosexual who will cheerily exchange a half-hour of backdoor shenanigans for ten dollars and a warm smile.

This is mostly untrue.

Listen, I understand how a misconception such as my alleged fondness for repeated acts of sodomy could come to be.  After all, if a fellow were to watch a music video containing as much sugary pop and ruthlessly synchronized Korean dance stylings as I have in the past week, some eyebrows would be bound to raise.

My favorite is Taeyeon! She's the skinny brunette.

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Tags: dicks, Malcolm, malcolm is all about the ladies, malcolm likes girls, malcolm never thinks about hard cocks, Nonfiction

I don’t have a deadline, technically.  Rather, I have a sinking, depressed feeling as the end of the month draws nearer and I realize The Last Gaffe will have gone nearly a month without my wit, charm and pictures of me eating things (next month I plan to write an article about eating an entire wedding cake by myself.)  It is now nearly two weeks after the beginning of the month and Malcolm is threatening to kidnap and kill my Tamagotchi if I don’t deliver an article, the problem?  My article failed.

I won't let the bad man take you, Tamagotchi.

The development of my article didn’t begin until the last week of January when I began to get that sinking, depressed feeling again.  I desperately ransacked my old blogs to see if I had written anything funny in the past that I could use, but unfortunately Malcolm (A.K.A. Captain Hardass M.D.) didn’t think poetry dedicated to the cute girl who doesn’t even know I exist and long, depressing posts about how lonely Boulevard of Broken Dreams makes me feel were up to par for The Last Gaffe.   “Good Lord!” I told him, “You let a woman and an Irishman write for you, don’t talk to me about standards!”

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Tags: dicks, failure, grovelling, Michael, Nonfiction, penitance

You’d better watch out, regular TLG fans.  It’s about to get a lot crazier in here.  Sex-crazy.

Cracked crazy.

You might be thinking to yourself “Hey, why does the name of the gentleman who wrote that article on naughty words look familiar?  I wonder if he knows the Malcolm Christiansen who writes for this website?”  Hold on to your tits, because here’s a mind-blowing, completely true fact: We are the same Malcolm Christiansen.

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Tags: Cracked, dan never talks to me, dicks, erica is probably a girl, jeff is irish and that's terrible, Malcolm, michael is a crazy pervert, Nonfiction, shit-talk