5. Michael Scofield (Prison Break)

Michael Scofield is the brains of the operation on Prison Break, which may not be saying much considering he’s been in prison, escaped, caught, thrown back in prison, escaped, caught, and put under house arrest and forced to work for the government under threat of, you guessed it, being tossed back in prison. He’s a smart guy, sure, if by smart you mean totally retarded but really smarmy about it. And he really sucks at this whole “freedom” thing.

"Jailed again, excellent! The escape continues according to plan."

I would totally own him in a fight. Scofield carries himself with a sense of smugness and superiority that would have to be a hindrance in a brawl, and I’d like to see how smarmy he is with my foot up his ass. He’d be plotting wildly for how to use physics or whatever scientific garbage to his advantage, but MacGyver he is not, and he’d waste those precious few seconds before his face was met and pummeled by my Irish fists of fury calculating how to spring a perfectly concocted scheme that requires everything to break just so.

This time, Scofield, the only thing that’s going to break is your face. Booyah.

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Tags: dicks, Fiction, jack is a stupid motherfucker, Jeff, jeff wants to touch pretty men ha ha, Lists

McDonald’s Develops Sitophilia

In early 2005, McDonald’s began running banner ads featuring an incredulous-looking guy claiming he’d enjoy fucking a cheeseburger.  Apparently, McDonald’s misunderstood the meaning of the lingo, “I’d hit it.” This leads me to believe that the McDonald’s higher-ups don’t leave their gold-painted mansions long enough to know that “I’d hit it” alludes to sex, and not food. Either that, or McDonald’s executives are so bizarrely old and out of touch that they also think a shiny new buffalo nickel can get you a swell ferry ride. But I suppose sex with a sandwich can be done, provided the cheese was cooled off and ketchup was used as a lubricant. Notice that I didn’t include a special sauce joke, as that’s tired and boring. Take note.

According to McDonald's, Michael's use of this burger is highly inappropriate. Though that was probably already true.

The Fallout

McDonald’s immediately pulled the ad and embarrassed cheeseburger enthusiasts pulled their pants up and ran inside when they realized the revolution hadn’t quite started yet.  McDonald’s apologized and admitted they were unfamiliar with the way we young ruffians talk.  What with the slang, insults to mothers, and parachute pants.  Unfortunately for McDonald’s, once something is online, it’s always online, and the banner ad was copied and pasted into the depths of the series of tubes.  Interestingly enough, it spawned some pretty decent parody ads.

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15. “BooKoo”

It’s hard to say anything against BooKoo since the drink is so damndedly tasty, but we’ll come right out and say it: their name is terrible.

For those who aren’t Francophones, BooKoo is a bastardization of the French word for big, beaucoup; however, instead of making us think “big” we think “clowns,” and clowns are spooky.

Iiiiiiiiiit's BooKoo the clown!

14. “Blow”

Despite being a clear rip-off of the much more popular and controversial energy drink Cocaine, Blow also lends itself to some all too obvious jokes we’re far too classy to print.

We will; however, give Blow extra points for actually being sold as a vial full of white powder which you mix with water. That’s pretty cool.

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Tags: clowns, dicks, energy drinks, Lists, Michael, retardation, terror

Dear Mr. Tim Kring,

Aloha! That’s Hawaiian for hello, but also goodbye. Currently, consider it the former. Anyhoo, I was recently online searching for nude photos of Hayden Panettierre making a substantial donation to the ASPCA, when I stumbled across this article in which you refer to the fans of your once hit television show Heroes as “saps” and “dipshits.” You caught some flack for this and Mr. Kring, I will not lie, initially I found myself a bit hurt. I thought we had something special. For a long while, probably a full three or four seconds, I thought that our beautiful bond had been broken.

It's okay, she's legal now.

But then I started to look at some of the things you have been doing on your show, and I began to understand. You decided to introduce new, uninteresting characters and convoluted storylines. You pushed your popular characters to the background, drastically cutting their screen time. But you didn’t do this for the sake of the show. I mean, considering the tremendous decline, how could anyone argue that was the case? No, you did this for a much grander reason. You did this for the sake of your actors.

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Tags: actually fiction, dicks, hayden panetierre nude, heroes, Jeff, motherfucker, tim kring

Good day, kind Internet-dweller! If you are reading this, you have taken the first step towards success, women, and job security in this hectic world of ours! Read on for several more steps!

But wait! I hear you saying: “How am I going to attain success, women, and job security when I have been effectively crippled by years of sedentary existence? I have spent so many hours re-posting memes on 4Chan that my muscles have atrophied to the point where I can no longer convey myself around my grandmother’s basement under my own power! It has been some days since she last came down to check on me or bring me food, and I fear that she has either moved without telling me or passed away. I sit here in front of my monitor, unable to act, unable to stand, unable to remove myself from the ever-growing pile of my own waste, idly wondering whether I shall die first from starvation or suffocation. How will your handy Primer help me?”

Well, to you I reply: “My Primer is only for the living, or more specifically, those living still able to stand upright under their immense girth. Please search for a handier Primer than this one.”

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Tags: asians, bad ideas, dicks, Fiction, Malcolm, primer, racism