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The early teenage years of my life were a gastrointestinal nightmare of Lovecraftian proportions; unnamable, greasy horrors lurked and slithered through my vital organs on a daily basis. It was not uncommon to find me spending entire weekends eating nothing more than McDonald’s double cheeseburgers, five per meal, my young and virile gut swollen with dubious meat stuffs. However, those days are past me; I am no longer a young pup; I am old, cranky, and my digestive system doesn’t seem to work quite right. I have now reached a compromise: I will eat the scientifically delicious food, but only in moderation.

Why do you need to know the dull, needlessly detailed history of my eating habits? Because this article is about my experiences with tackling the ominous Wendy’s Baconator, and I presume that, since you are on the internet, you think nothing of eating a Baconator. Perhaps you eat several Baconators at once and they are stacked on top of one another, perhaps your jaw unhinges and you are able to stuff the entire thing in your mouth at once like Norville “Shaggy” Rogers. You will read this and scoff at me for being intimidated by a mere ¾ pounds of meat, but know this: I am a man who eats normal things like salads and ¼ lb hamburgers, and this will not be easy for me.

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Tags: battlestar galactica, dicks, eating, horror, Michael, michael shoving meat into his mouth, Nonfiction, vorophilia

‘Dick Nukem’. ‘The Salisbury Cobra’. ‘Salchicha de la Muerte’.

These, and many more, are the names attributed to my junks. Once upon a time, my crotch rocket commanded not only the love and adoration of the people, but also the grudging respect of many elected officials. There were many who spoke in breathless whispers of my genitalia’s logic-defying, world-rocking abilities, and many more who pined after the merest glimpse of my man machine.

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Tags: dicks, Fiction, ladies, Malcolm, Scripts, unspeakable

So over in the Cracked forums, someone posted a link to this Reader’s Digest article, entitled “19 Ways To Enhance Your Sense of Humor.” It’s all well-meaning advice, and you could certainly do worse than following some of it, but for every piece of sound advisement there’s something like this:

“10. Spend 15 minutes a day having a giggling session. Here’s how you do it: You and another person (partner, kid, friend, etc.) lie on the floor with your head on her stomach, and her head on another person’s stomach and so on (the more people the better). The first person says, “Ha.” The next person says, “Ha-ha.” The third person says, “Ha-ha-ha.” And so on. We guarantee you’ll be laughing in no time.”

Michael and I, our senses of humour in desperate need of enhancement, decided to give some of their suggestions a try.  First, Michael fired up Photoshop and gave this suggestion a go:

“6. Sort through family photographs and write funny captions or one-liners to go with your favorites. When you need a pick-me-up, pull out the album.”

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Tags: Cracked, Cracked Forums, dicks, humour, Malcolm, Michael, photoshop, reader's digest, Scripts, terror

The “Contributor” page is now complete! Go and meet the men and lady who will be providing the entertainment!

Coming Up:

- A sexilicious picture of Malcolm at his sexiest!

- An academic examination of the Baconator by Michael!

- Custom header art by Allison Frieberthauser of Damp With Murder!

- Regular updates! I promise!

- More exclamation points!

- !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!